Lumispir: the GaelicVixen

2010-10-10T00:27:00.000+08:00

I'm going overseas in a couple of days. Mainly Shanghai, 复旦附中。Haven't been blogging lately. busy with EOYs, packing my bag and gah. My life's too boring to blog about, don't you think so. Anyway, I'll be updating my activities in China (I'm going to Shanghai, Suzhou and Nanjing) on this other blog which I can access in China: http://blog.sina.com.cn/lumispir
Blogger is kinda blocked by the Great Firewall of China.

2010-07-14T22:51:00.000+08:00

我不喜欢微笑，却天天笑脸迎人。
我喜欢沉默，却天天呱燥的聊天。

因为我发现，如果没有微笑，别人就不会接近我，而我就会像当初一样被孤立。
因为我发现，在很多人的周围，沉默会显得格外尴尬，使我感到极度不安。能够让沉默变得舒服的人没几个，只有彼此了解彼此信任，才不需要语言沟通，用一个眼神就能了解一切。

一片死寂

2010-07-06T20:33:00.000+08:00

你有没有想过，「死」是什么感觉？

死神曾经在我面前不停地晃来晃去，却没有把我拉走。那时候没有我小小人生的点点滴滴浮现在我眼前，只有脑袋一片清空，一种飘飘然的感受。我没有嗑药，而是我的心在淌血。

不必到地狱里，我已经忘记「痛」是什么感觉了。最近我发现腿和脚上伤痕累累，却从来没有发现那些创伤是哪里得来的。可能是演出，可能不是，我也不知道。既是伤口是新鲜的，既是血正一滴一滴地往下流，既是看见嫩嫩的肉被不知名的物体划破，我也没有特别的感觉。

因为这些皮肉伤根本比不上我心里那个空荡荡，回音围绕的无底洞。
在那里，一片死寂。

2010-06-27T03:45:00.000+08:00

How big is your bed?
Single. It's enough for me. I don't like sleeping in big beds with no one beside me.

What are you listening to right now?
蔡旻佑的《我可以》。最近很喜欢听他的歌，都好好听哦！

How is the weather right now?
It's in the middle of the night. Not quite windy, not quite cloudy.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

Zou Yan. She was asking for my Passport number. And it was in the middle of my shower. -.-"

The first thing you notice about the opposite gender?
Eyes.

Favorite type of Food?
水煮的食物吧！可以吃出食物的原味。

Do you want children?

Yes! But it'll be far away in the future.

Hair color?

Brownish Black.
Do you wear contacts?
Nah. No courage to risk infections and getting blind.

Have you ever cried over a love lost?

Yeah. I loved my late grandpa dearly.

Last Movie you watched?

Hm...Can't remember. Oh! Liar Game: The Final Round.
What were you doing before filling this out?
Having Diarrhea.

Favorite animal?

Humans.

Favorite drink?
Pepsi. Ginger Beer. Frappe.

Favorite flower?
Purple Roses. Any flower that looks nice.

Have you ever loved a person at any point of time?

Yep! My family.

Who would you like to see right now?
国王，羅志祥。

What color are your bedroom walls?
Baby Blue.

Have you ever fired a gun?
Maybe once or twice on my brother's XBox. Not that I wanted to.

Do you like to travel by plane?
It's not bad. I like the food and drinks. x)

Right handed or Left?

Right.

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
7-eleven. I want to drink ginger beer....

Are you missing someone?
Not really.

Do you have a tattoo?
...no. But I have tattoos every National Day, and usually it's the one that says "Made in Singapore".

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
I haven't watched them since P3 or P4.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?

Favorite hangout?
Rooftop or in my room.

Can’t live without?
My family, My dream, my 3C products, my religion and 国王！

Favorite songs?
罗志祥的《为你写首歌》.

What are you afraid of?
Many things.

Are you a giver or a taker?
Both.

What do you sleep in?
Tee and shorts.

Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing?
A boat. Or a helicopter.

To save in a fire?
My family.

What is your favorite color?
Black.

What are the things you always bring with you?
Handphone, mp4, keys, comb, wallet.

What did you want to be when you were a kid?
English Professor. But I don't want to be one now.

What color are your bedsheets?
I have many sets. Right now they are yellow and orange.

Who do you want to meet?
罗主任。

Do you smile often?
Very often, I guess.

Do you wish on stars?
No. Although it seems to ba romantic thing to do.

When did you last cry?
Just now. Because I was watching a drama.

Do you like your handwriting?
Not really. at least most of the time.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
I fainted in my mum's bed.

Song playing right now?
我想要说 by 蔡旻佑

What are you doing tomorrow?
Homework.

Does anyone like you?
If it's that like, I don't think so.

What’s annoying you right now?
I keep wanting to go to the toilet.

Have you ever watched a movie drunk?
I've never been drunk before.

Are you tired?
...YES. But i'm not going to sleep anytime soon.

What will you do Sunday?
That's tomorrow? oh. Today.

What kinda cell company do you use?
Singtel.

Where were you at midnight on Saturday?
That's 3 hours ago. Reading 陶晶莹‘s 《我爱故我在》

Are you married?
No.

Do you wear any jewelry?
Mainly earrings. The others are only when I go out.

What’s one thing you want right now?
Go to the toilet.

Do you find yourself loved?
Yes. My family showers me with love.

Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
On the rocks. In OBS.

What’s the closest blue object to you?
My water bottle.

What is your natural hair color?
Brownish Black? Okay, it was raven black, but somehow, it turned brownish.

Favorite subject?
Geography and Integrated Humanities.

无底洞

2010-06-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

感觉心中有一个很深很深的无底洞。以前总会试着用食物填满这个空虚，但除了让自己增肥之外，我领悟到吃并没有什么帮助。这个无底洞到底是哪里来的？是压力？还是孤单？这个洞不停的扩展，似乎要把我体内全部挖空，而我只能默默忍受那种痛苦，什么也没有说。不，我应该说，我已经没有力气说了。

这种时候，你会做什么呢？很想哭一场吗？我很想，但是一滴眼泪也掉不出来，我只能继续做我该做的东西，试图忘记那种被掏空的悲伤。原来我那么爱吃，就是为了感觉很饱，蒙骗自己我很满足。

终于，我能够完全体会到这句歌词：“咖啡麻醉不了孤单，只会让夜更长。”

2010-06-05T20:35:00.000+08:00

是我的错吗？是我很难相处还是很难缠吗？为什么我跟谁说话，谁就不理我？有些人以前我认识，可是日子一长，渐渐地，我们越来越疏远，比陌生人还陌生。明明知道彼此是朋友，但谁都不记得谁是谁。哈哈，真好笑。

不过，为什么连陌生人都不理我？到底是因为我们不熟，没有共同的话题，还是我很难做朋友啊？对，朋友并不是我生活的支柱，但朋友对我来说也重要啊！跟他们聊天，不知道为什么总会变得很尴尬。是我哪里做错了吗？是我得罪他们了吗？还是单单想跟他们做朋友就是错的。

BSP 双文化露营 2010

2010-06-03T16:53:00.000+08:00

刚刚从双文化露营 (1/6/10 - 3/6/10) 回来。仍然非常想念大家。这次，我真的认识了好多新朋友，体验到很多不同的活动。原本以为这次的露营就会是一整天听演讲、再演讲，会聊。但是现在感觉并非如此。

其中，我离营两次，为了参加 Singapore Mathematics Olympiad。During the first SMO Senior on Tuesday, I went and miraculously, I could answer 9 questions. Who cares if they are not correct. The fact that I could answer is brilliant enough. Hopefully this time, I'll get a bronze. After SMO ended, I took a taxi by myself back. The taxi driver is really cool, he didn't know how to get to Singapore Sports School from SLE, and he kept looking at his phone, so I was curious and peeped. It was a GPS system.

回到SSS，就把包放回房间。那里的房间真的有够美。不枉费那里学生一年$25 000的学费啊！只是有些地方没常清理吧，桌子底下蛮脏的吧。不过我放下了就去吃饭。食堂里的饭也非常丰盛，令我悲哀想起我们南洋Boarding School不适合给人吃的食物；确实也是。价格差那么多，食物、住宿也必定会有差距啊！吃饭的时候，素食特别热着，素料也很丰盛，不像从来没做过的人弄的。当时，一个男生跟我打招呼，说我早上没到，之类的。后来发现他叫宋山，很友善。

第一天下午的讲座，《从镜头里看中国》，讲师提供了很多艺术照，可是我感触没有很深。很多人都非常喜欢那场讲座，但为什么我感觉虽然学到的还是挺多，但并非我想听的呢？或许是我不会利用学到的那些知识吧，等到有一天我了解其中的重要性了，我才能够体会这次演讲的目的吧！

然后我们制作国旗。原来我们组有一个AEP的人哦。他的设计感蛮好的，只是他选了一些我不会用的东西，粉红色和画越开越好的笑脸。我整个差一点晕倒了，他不是男生吗？可是不知道谁提议的名字“七分熟”还不错，我觉得很酷！

晚上的夜间游戏可好玩啦！

第一个游戏：跳绳。五个人一起跳应该很难，但我们竟然跳到58次！太厉害了。我们团队精神应该超好的。再说了，游戏的时候，又累又喘，但是从中认识了每个人的名字，也跟其他组员，无非是男生或女生培养感情。

第二个游戏，用很短的吸管穿rubber band。这个游戏真的太普遍了啦！我以为会很容易，但是出现了两个匪夷所思的事情。一、就是Amanda是传给我的人。但我没有面对她的时候，我大部分已经含着一根塑胶圈了，可是每次她情绪太过激动，就会大力地拍打我的背！痛死了！二、yimin不知道是怎样，一直不肯弯下身来接亦欣的rubber band。我们都知道她很高，但弯一下不会有损形象，也不会怎么样，奇怪。在她那儿掉了一半以上的rubber band吧！

第三个游戏，是用我们的身体组成一些字，我一直都是一个“点”。呵呵。看其他人趴来趴去非常搞笑，但本人身型太短，没什么用处，只好给你们当小不点啰！

第四个游戏：用脚扶助一个大水缸。就好比之前PSLcamp一样。应为害怕力量不平衡，所以我们是一男一女躺着，但我两旁的人都很高，相比之下，我真的是小矮人一个，所以我脚不管抬多高，都摸不着那可怜的桶。它，因为我们都太过用力，出现了一条裂痕。

第五个游戏，是用water bomb玩 Captain's ball。其实，唯一的赢法就是不要打破太多球，我们组赢了，而且我没有弄湿，只不过流汗而以。看来衣服是白还了呀！大家都很积极，而我就等着接球罢了，真不过瘾，也是跟男生争，也争不过来，在一旁跟做Captain的LiangJun聊天更好。

第二天早上，我五点多就起床了，刷牙什么都弄好之后，我就下楼吃早饭。我吃米粉，真的很不习惯早上吃这种餐，所以只吃一点点，就跟纯子焦急地等Zou Yan下来，一起搭德士。可是偏偏她迟到了，一定会塞车的啦！我的判断没错，塞车了，花了超过一个小时才到达学校，车费$24.80，三个人分。可是Math Olympiad Open简直就是浪费时间！我等同于交白卷，不管试了多久，没有一天我真正答得出来，但有两题勉强答了。其余的23题我都是在玩4D ToTo而已。比赛还没结束，Zou Yan跑出去很久，以为她去上厕所，没想到她是出去磨蹭时间，闲逛！竟然还顺便Sign Up 去看南洋剧坊的公演，《情似百味》了。我们三个也提早走了。经过Dance Studio外面的饮料贩卖机，我们三个人回味童年时光，每人买一罐旺仔牛奶喝！哈哈哈，还不错喝，只是太甜了。你们也知道，我不太喜欢甜食。

回去之后，午餐也蛮好吃，只不过我吃不下饭，把好多，应该说全部对掉。真的很惭愧，浪费食物，但比起浪费的惭愧，我更不能忍受肚子暴涨而且对胃的危害。饭后，我们讨论了当晚文娱晚会将表演的东西。我呈现了我的剧本，他们大部分都接受了。

接下来就是讲座：《中国当代社会现象》。这个演讲的内容我事前大概都略懂，但经过这次演讲，真的了解得更深入。我抄了许多笔记呢！呵呵。不过这些是本人私人收藏，决不会外流的！讲座进行的当儿，很多人都嘛睡着！不过我也不能够说什么，因为自己也很想睡觉，但太有内容的演讲防止我打瞌睡。后来，我发现一件事：不管什么演讲，zouyan都会像一些特别啰嗦、特别深奥的问题，而且不止是一个，一次又很多个！大家应该都对她产生印象了吧，不管是好的或坏的。她太聪敏了吧！

彩排得满顺利的，我们的剧本也很平顺的完成。剧情里面，我们组呈现了一个唱歌比赛的节目，男生唱JJ的《爱与希望》，因为Koshu特别喜欢JJ。女生唱的是By2的《我知道》。不过到了文娱晚会，我们表演之前突然觉得我们的剧太过平淡了！在台上临时加的桥段，让人捉摸不了的话使我们超时，还没演完就被赶下台。不过文娱晚会很精彩，就是因为太精彩所以没办法用一言两语说完。我的文章已经很长了，不要太啰嗦了！

晚上很high，冲凉的时候已经很晚，不过跟wanlin和xiaojing约好一起写信给同组的组员。我每人各写一份，他们两人写一份。我真的真心诚意写信的，但是第一次写，不知道他们感觉怎么样，会觉得我的信没有诚意吗？很困惑。

结束得挺圆满的，但也很想念大家。希望以后还有见面的机会哦！

搞不清

2010-05-31T01:23:00.002+08:00

就快搞不清楚自己在想什么了。为什么总是这样，看不清楚事实，拼了命想要活在自己创造的世界里面？我这样过活，到底是怎么样保持生命的规律？成绩册拿回来了。成绩都很好，一些超乎了想象，另一些差了一点，却好算得上蛮好的。很满意，很高兴，但对于目前的我来说，这些A1就是我生命的全部吗？如果是，那我为了数字而活着，会不会太过于悲哀？如果不是，那么我是为什么活着？

我知道，支撑我走出以往那片黑暗的是我家人，我宗教，梦想，和国王。但是他们能够陪着我走下去吗？没有他们任何一个人，我肯定会再次发疯。但愿他们能够永远陪着我。因为他们都很重要，一个比一个重要。

你现在明白吧？国王对我来说，并不只是象征一个偶像，而在我生命里象征一个支柱。一个椅子有四只脚，缺了其中一个，椅子就站不稳了，随时都能够倒塌。国王是我不能磨灭的幻觉。就算我想要去除他也不可能了，因为他已经在我心中扎下根深蒂固的根。

2010-05-30T00:48:00.000+08:00

梦想，到底是什么东西？我知道，没有梦想，我会死去。不能达到梦想，我会痛不欲生。但是为什么我的梦想现在天天缠着我，像鬼魅一样环绕着我，折磨我。这，到底是梦想的真面目吗？

欲望，到底是什么东西？我以为，欲望难免，大家都有。不过欲望可以克制，不让它控制我的为人。可是为什么我的愿望似乎逐渐变成了欲望，成为无比的压迫，压得我喘不过气，压得我已将近快窒息了？

我要的，到底是什么？我的未来，究竟该会步入哪一条路？我讨厌挫折，我讨厌猜测。但偏偏生命就是一场赌局，需要猜测。猜对了，一切就到你手中。猜错了，全盘皆空。

A Happy Journey Starts Like That! - Phua Chu Kang (by LTA Singapore)

2010-05-17T20:10:00.002+08:00

我家真的丑到不行！

2010-05-11T22:40:00.000+08:00

一片夏夜一点霞，十分鸡粪五分马。
沟旁一定关窗睡，夜夜臭味熏满家。

改编自《荷花》清曹寅

真的。第一次那么害怕走出房门。是有什么尸体腐烂吗？！

No lowering of weightage

2010-05-11T17:48:00.003+08:00

The Straits Times Interactive link: No lowering of weightage

I did mention that the government would never lower the weightage of Mothertongue, didn't I? I told a few people 可是不可以讲太多，不然会破政府的梗。Of course, they wouldn't lower the weighage of mothertongue when they've been promoting it so much. If everyone supported the notion, then the next step the government would take would be some 华语Cool activity. If everyone didn't like it, oh how happy they would be. And while the hoo-ha was going on, everyone would be influenced to think, "oh yeah, mother tongue is really very important! How could they lower its weightage?" Even if they didn't think like that at first, the passion for MT would spread. That time, the government can say, "oh, we wouldn't be lowering it after all, since we never really confirmed and everyone doesn't like it. Sorry."

这是政府炒新闻的手段，为了让国人更爱我们的母语。太厉害了吧！我说的没错吧？

生病的感觉真的很差

2010-05-06T23:06:00.006+08:00

今天就是如此痛苦。真的很想逃避自己的，但非常感谢那些挺我、关心我的同学。尤其是Junhui, Xiaojing, Yihao, Wanlin. 真的谢谢你们让我在最想放弃的时候，重新获得力量。

再次被迫睡觉的感觉很痛苦。人生真的很矛盾。有时候觉得睡觉是上天赐给我最好的礼物，有时候却是送我入地狱的法门。

最近我们大家都不太好，不管是压力、考试、成绩、作业、CCA，什么都是我们的烦恼。
送大家一句话：当人生变得有一点像游戏时，日子就不会太难熬。
希望大家开心一点，考完试、作业较少的时候，一起去KTV吧！

抵死向前

2010-05-04T20:42:00.000+08:00

我凌晨的时候，崩溃了。我一直认为没有把化学复习完，很害怕看到问题的时候都答不出来。早上，我真的崩溃了，很害怕时间的每一分钟。妈咪又很讨厌我这样，开始发脾气骂我。但偏偏她越是骂我，我越失去理智。

你们一定没看过，除了我家人。这样的我，真的很可怕。连我也不敢面对。我不是发彪、脾气不好。我真的是想要逃避未来，逃避自己，逃避一切，甚至寻死。但我毕竟还是要面对考试的。一边流泪，一边复习。但在准备数学的我想到了一句名言：

我没有道理要逃避。失败，大不了回到原点。要退，也要努力过在退。要死，也要战过再死。

我真的很认同这句话。因为生命只有一次，我不想拿这一次来做实验，来后悔。生命没有回头，也不能回头。我决定了，抵死向前，不回头了。

Don't feel sad.

2010-05-02T22:08:00.000+08:00

Friends are like handphones. You rely on them, you're close to them, you can't live without them. But when a new or more suitable handphone appears, you will switch to that one the moment you get the opportunity. It's the way friendship is.

Sometimes, when the new one spoils, they might go back to the old one. Sometimes, the new one never spoils and they move on to another newer one. They might never come back. Don't waste your time waiting and source for another phone. If she forgets about you, it's her loss.

I hope you don't go through what I went through, because I know it will hurt you more. And even when you do go through those events (you can read my blog from Sec 1 till now), I hope I can protect you from those injuries. But I have no ability to; I'm not by your side. That's my only regret.

And this English song is for you:

To me, you'll forever be the perfect friend. The friend embedded in my heart forever. This song, Me without You by Ashley Tisdale, is how I feel about you. There's no Fiona without Tiffany. So I hope, when you've lost all your handphones, or you can't decide which one is more suitable, remember, there will always be a landline here waiting for you.

2010-05-02T11:07:00.001+08:00

我很累。真的很累。不知道我怎么了，就是很累。

厉害的阿怪

2010-05-01T23:20:00.004+08:00

今天念书真的很不顺利。浪费至少11个小时，太奢侈了吧！我真的很没有时间，读课本、笔记都读不进去。到底怎么了？谁能救救我啊…我真的很讨厌这些科学数学，因为我偏向人文科系啦！超痛苦。而且每人陪我说话。呜呜呜呜。担心会影响她们复习功课之类的，不然就是跟她们没话聊。怎么会这样？

而且外面的战争一直没有停止。我弟不知道为什么整天找我碴，跟妈咪杠上。拜托，投诉爸妈偏心也该反省反省一下。整天让父母生气的确让他们注意到你，但是即使他们的焦点整天在你身上，根本不管我，他们还是不停地骂你，念你。不是我的错。妈咪都被你搞疯了啦。用损我当激将法？太扯了吧。听到他小小的笑声，我真的觉得你太…容易哄了。没关系，只要你们不要吵到我就行了。

态度、成绩不如我是事实。你以为我能够考到这种成绩是整天睡觉、看电视换来的啊？白痴。别一直烦我啦！

最近常看《大学生了没》，觉得阿怪好酷。又帅，却很放得开，不怕丑。而且很会作曲作词。太厉害啦！谁有空的话，可以到他的部落格上观赏哦。

taken from http://www.wretch.cc/album/show.php?i=aguai&b=186&f=1317159714&p=79.

I'll stand by you always.

2010-04-28T21:08:00.003+08:00

Fabian, I was intending to write a poem, dedicated to you. But thinking about what you've just told me rendered me useless in penning any good literature.

I don't know. Is it because our worlds are too far apart that I don't know how to comfort you? Everytime you tell me you're facing with a new difficulty, or when you are feeling down, I don't want to leave you alone. But what can I do? I thought I could do or say things to help you feel better, but I realised that what I've been doing isn't helping you that much.

Fabian, you have a special personality that makes you stand out from the rest. Some people might not see the good in you at first, but that is because that don't know you well enough. I didn't particularly have a good impression of you before, but now we've become friends, I really appreciate your sensitivity. Perhaps it is just because you consider each and every friend very important to you that you get hurt so easily. It isn't your fault; you put in your heart and sincerity to your friends, they just don't know how to treasure it. We're still young and can't deal with situations well. But you've got to overcome them. Or you will continue getting hurt.

You might not trust me that much, but you're the one person I feel comfortable enough to tell everything. It isn't about not seeing you in real life, interacting only virtually. Because if that's the case, I'd have many such friends. You're a special friend to me, and it's because of your sensitivity and your personality, whether you believe or not. Just to let you know, whatever happens, I'll be there for you.

When everybody else doesn't appreciate you, I'll stand by you, always. Trust me.

2010-04-28T20:44:00.002+08:00

During the student interview with Mrs Amy, she said that "You know, you're Fiona. To us, Fiona is mature. Fiona can solve all her problems herself."

I didn't know I give people such an impression. (People, this is where you comment.) Do I seem like I can solve all my problems myself? Reflecting on it, seems like for a long time, it's what I've been doing. Whatever happens, I don't like bringing problems home and telling them to my parents, unless it's very important decisions. But I don't like standing alone, makes me feel... like the centre of the universe, trying to comfort people, but with no one to comfort me.

Chinese paper... was hard. It wasn't anything I prepared for and I think I 偏题. Although the 私函about虐待动物, I did prepare for abit of it; the 17岁新加坡海外留学生 who got “影响全球华人”奖,I didn't hear about it, but what I wrote was abit similar to Ping Ghee, who actually read that article, so hopefully it wouldn't fail too badly.

Got back Geography paper. Ser Yeen and JunHui got 1st, with 21/25. I got... what I had initially expected, predicting my marks after doing the paper. It wasn't too bad, 19/25. Minused 4 marks for not doing part (ii) and (iii) for Q2, and 2 marks from 2nd page. Thus, I shall try even harder for my other assignments and pull my grades up again. The real worry is Ching Yan. She's been failing her Geography, and I don't know what I can do to help her. So I offered to help go through her assignments before she hands them in, but I can't guarantee the standard; I'm not teacher. And... XiaoJing, jiayou. You can do it, don't feel too sad. At least you tried your best, that's the most important point.

爆笑な事が多いですよ

2010-04-26T21:00:00.006+08:00

Today... should be quite good. Like Junhui said, the day flew by, for some reason. Perhaps it was because sitting with XiaoJing ends up talking to her for the entire lesson, especially Chinese. I did listen to whatever 康老师 said though, have notes for proof. Just talked at some points in time. Talking in class really needs a certain amount of skill; you've got to listen (or at least pretend to), take notes (legible and useful ones) and even if the teacher sees you talking, get the impression you're 'discussing'.

今日、日本語の授業は本当に楽しいね！河西先生はとても可笑しい、爆笑な事が多いですよ。

例：練習の時、Hwachong学生は「中国語の先生を見た時、まるでおはしのようだと言います」と書いた。

翻译：今天，日文课真的很有趣。河西先生(Kawanishi Sensei)真的很好笑，爆笑事件也特别多。练习的时候，华中的男生写了“看见华文老师时，真的像一双筷子！”

本来睡意浓浓的我，瞬间清醒过来。河西先生和Nicole先生差很多；都是很好的老师。他和Lim先生差更多。我从来没有那么欣赏一个老师。不知怎么的，河西先生能够把一趟毫无乐趣可言的课变成让我心情超好、收获很多的课。不过，唯一不好的事……他英语有困难。

现在很低落，因为功课很多，不知道从何下手，也很烦。做不下去，可是还得做。谁能帮帮我啊！最可恨的是：国王请长假，为了准备演唱会暂时不主持娱百了！

不是两条平行线

2010-04-25T08:51:00.004+08:00

We won't draw parellel lines
Because we intersected once.

I thought we were perpendicular lines,
Once apart. Meet. Then going further away.

I thought best be two quadratic curves,
Intersecting not once but twice.

You said we were y=x.
The y-axis is different from the x-axis,
But what am I without you?
What are you without me?
We'd be different, but the same.
Never leaving each other.
Forever.
----------------------------------------------------
Tiffany,

I'm not afriad for the whole world to know,
Ever since I met you, I changed in ways I don't realize.
But we met, and separated,
At our life's crossroads.

Would there be another bend for us to meet again?
Only fate knows.
But now, there's technology.
No matter how far away you maybe,
We will forever be together, the same.
Just like y=x.

l

再见。

2010-04-23T21:34:00.004+08:00

方块白鞋：

跨过了我们之间的距离，
对我而言真的好不容易。
当我不再对你抱有怀疑，
才发现是一厢情愿而已。

一起经历过的风风雨雨，
你是否跟我一样的珍惜？
原来我们没有深刻情谊，
而只有时间建立的友谊。

你还是会把我遗弃，
你仍然会将我忘记。
我常常看见你背影，
你已渐渐离我而去。

~~再见。~~ 我后悔了。

我不想说再见，因为你对我来说……
是永远抹不掉的好朋友，不管我在你心中排在什么位置。
即使我在你的心中什么也不是，你仍然会是我很信任的人。

2010-04-22T22:47:00.003+08:00

Today, I went to be a student official for heats. But that isn't what I'm going to blog about.

After the heats, I went home, by bus. It was really crowded, but I managed to snag a seat. I was pouring outside though. As usual, I sat down, listening to my MP4 and fell asleep.

Somewhere halfway through the journey, there was this aunty who poked me and said, "小妹妹，不要睡觉，不然会跌倒。”

这也太扯了吧！哪有在巴士上不能睡觉的道理？况且我有位子坐啊！虽然我坐在外面的椅子，可能会跌倒啦，我也知道她是关心我……可是睡觉是我的权利！我会小心的，不过让我睡嘛！我真的真的很想睡觉啦。如果她知道我一天睡多少，应该就不会那么说了吧。

朋友间的告白

2010-04-22T19:31:00.007+08:00

X:

好啦，X就是指你。看来以后不要让你发现就应该换个代名词了！这几天一直跟你提我的部落格，就是希望你看到，但有不明说，就是害怕你看到。渐渐的，历史已经在重演。是哪一段我不清楚。

我不知道我是什么时候开始信任你的，也不知道是不是真的信任你，但我只知道，你现在对我来说很重要。我不明说，不是因为我不认同，而是因为我不敢。曾经有一个人走进我的圈圈里，但我最后才发现，一切只不过是我一厢情愿罢了。

对于友情，我很胆小。对我而言，大部分的人都是朋友。只不过在我心中，朋友与知己的差距非常远，远到连我自己都有一点惊讶。有些人特别容易走过这段距离，有些人走了很久也走不进去。你属于前者。你的一举一动都让我感觉你的真诚，你的关心。我也试着对你表示关心，不过我习惯了开玩笑，用大剌剌的性格表达自己，常常让别人以为我是开玩笑的，或是虚情假意。但我绝非虚假。

只想让你知道，我已经是试着相信你了，但我内心的创伤很多，根本没有人知道。你的保护色下面的你，我也不清楚。不过仍然希望我们能成为知己。

以下郭静&范玮琪&张韶涵的《仨人》送给你。不过这里，我的意思是《俩人》啦！

2010-04-19T16:40:00.002+08:00

it's ridiculous. How can i finish learning Sorry Sorry by tomorrow? hopefully, I only need to learn the front part. Or I'd die.

Today's IH was really education. Hehe. Spot on, man. Hopefully I'll do better.

IH Block Test 1 2010

2010-04-19T07:13:00.001+08:00

okay. wish me luck. Let's hope I do better in this one.

害怕与恐惧

2010-04-18T16:45:00.004+08:00

我很害怕让X看见我部落格上的一切，害怕她发现我并不是天天嬉皮笑脸、开朗乐观，而是……这样子的。我害怕她会远离我。我后悔在心理开启一扇门，让X走进来。我后悔，因为我害怕，害怕X根本都不在乎。但这扇门已经由不得我关闭，我只能选择相信。

我很恐惧有一天，大家都因为某种原因，认为我不能够被信任。如果让历史重演一遍的话，我肯定不会像当初那么脆弱，那么容易被影响；那件事至今还在我心中留下阴影。如果历史重演，我会对每个人都失去信心，即使大家最后都在次相信我了。

有种不祥的预感。感觉暴风雨会乘我最脆弱的时候打击我，让我无法站起来。到时候，会有谁选择把我遗弃在雨箭那痛不欲生的摧残里？又会有谁愿意陪着我在雷电交加的狂雨中寻找重生？

2010-04-18T14:31:00.003+08:00

Where darkness reigns, she lives;
Where the sun shines, she suffers.
She wants to hide, to run away,
and avoid the gaze of the world.

From rainbow to greyscale,
She has faded with time.
Perhaps she's only a mirage,
A mere shadow of herself.

只有在黑漆漆夜里，她才能够相信自己拥有光芒。

只有在默默无人的角落里，她才有勇气面对自己。

2010-04-16T15:56:00.005+08:00

A whole bunch of them left. To Fudan. I get to go in october/november. Woots.

But I'm worrying a lot about geography and IH. Serious. Didn't get to finish Geography. And going home took a long time. very long time...

I planned to blog a lot today, even what to say, and all. But waiting for the bus for an hour or so made me so exhausted, now I have forgotten all I wanted to express.

Happy Birthday, Wanlin. Loving pink is nice and all, but I've decided to put this little bit of colour into your life!

To 敬爱的朋友

2010-04-15T18:26:00.004+08:00

方块白鞋：

我最害怕的事什么？就是我们之间竟然没有双方信任。我不知道为什么你会害怕我背叛你，因为对我来说，信任一个人就永远不会背叛他。比起任何人，我更信任你，也绝对不会出卖你，但是……

你竟然不信任我。

我最讨厌别人认为我是大嘴巴，不能保守秘密。尤其是你。

为什么？我到底做错什么了？或者，你对我的刻板印象永远不能够推翻了。

2010-04-15T02:07:00.003+08:00

A friend told the girl, "You're far more suitable for it! She doesn't deserve it at all."

The girl knew it was supposed to be encouraging and a compliment, yet all she could do was to fight back tears, and think, "Why didn't I do better then?"

2010-04-14T03:48:00.001+08:00

I want to run away.
But I have nowhere to go.

不想长大

2010-04-05T20:39:00.004+08:00

人的一生是一次性的，每个阶段有不同的主体，生老病死是生命的自然规律。但是，现在有些年纪大的人希望时间倒流，青春永驻；有些年纪小的青少年们却结伴大人，急于长大。

熟吗？这几句话应该满熟的，阅读练习八嘛！不过，我一直想不透，为什么那么多人这么想长大。曾经，我天天盼望某一个早晨，醒来就能够发现自己的翅膀长硬了，可以展翅高飞了。自由自在，没有人管你，没有约束，多好啊？可是，如今我已经改变主意了。若我能够永远躲在父母的翅膀下，那才是幸福，那才是我梦寐以求的永恒。不过这是不可能的，因为我知道我的责任就是读好书，等到哪天我能独立自强，我就必须尽孝道，轮到我照顾父母了。到时，即使我想要躲在爸妈的怀抱里，他们再也没有力气为我遮风挡雨了。

不知道那些人是吃饱没事做，还是生在福中不知福。八成，他们都受到父母无比的保护，却想要逃出那个温暖的避风港，跑到现实生活，认为自己可以照顾自己，却没有想到温室外的风风雨雨还不是他们能够应付的。奉劝你们一句：父母永远不会害你，你们应该珍惜能够被保护的日子。外面人心险恶，那一切并不是你们想象得了的。

我真的不想要长大。我想要做长不大的娃娃。

自虐

2010-03-31T14:03:00.004+08:00

自虐是让自己承受无比的痛苦。
我终于领悟到自虐最好的办法是什么了。

既不会丧失鲜血，也不会遗留任何伤疤。能以肉眼看见的残迹，唯独双眼下深不可测的黑袋。

2010-03-19T04:39:00.001+08:00

为什么原本那么简单的东西，现在却变得那么复杂？本来很直接的问题，现在，拐几个弯还解决不了，仿佛有一道墙阻挡我的去路……救命。

OBS

2010-03-12T22:26:00.003+08:00

Tired. Accomplishment. Perseverance.
爬山过海我都做过，还有什么我是不能做的？

Super High Strength Coffee Beans

2010-03-02T20:39:00.003+08:00

We are one. I've always thought that we are one, one class, one body.
No matter who separates the superhighstrength coffee beans and mixes them with premium coffee beans, superhighstrength coffee beans will never be the same as premium coffee beans.

Being part of the two-twelve tragedie isn't about who we are, or what people identify us with, but the things we have gone through. A class identity, built upon common experiences, such as newspaper fishes, bedsheet royal clothes, baked potatoes, ice-cream floats, class chalet, ... If you were never part of those, you wouldn't know what the royal family is really about.

I always thought I didn't miss two-twelve all that much because I see everyone everyday. Especially during lunch. But I discovered, it's because they never left.

so. are we getting a drama tee? =)

Goodbye, Nicole Sensei

2010-03-01T20:45:00.001+08:00

韓国の良さが何ですか？どうして色色な先生は韓国へ行くつもりですか？どうして！
First it was Seo Sensei, now it's Nicole sensei. I'm not looking forward to the new 河西先生coming to teach us, from Bishan MOELC. Nicole sensei was a brilliant and cute teacher. Whatever she taught, I actually understood! And I passed my CA1, not with flying colours but 一分耕耘一分收获。我没耕很多耘，有收获就很好了。

And we're gonna miss her farewell party. Cause we're flocking with wild boars on some ulu island called Pulau Ubin. Not that i'm not looking forward to it.

Hey, don't you think that people who look forward to OBS (which is quite a lot) is mainly those who experience loads of stress in usual termtime? Maybe we have some unconcious desire to run away from civilized society and go live in the wilderness, just to run away from SIAs.

梦想和父母之间

2010-02-07T23:25:00.002+08:00

今天，有人问我一个问题：“如果要你在梦想和父母之间做各选择，你会选择哪一个？”

一个人没有梦想，人生要怎么过啊？没有目标地往前走，到底要走到哪里？遇到交叉路口要怎么决定哪一条才是我要走的路？或者停留在原地，徘徊不前进？那么，迟早有一天，全世界的人都回把我遗留下来的。了解我的人就会知道，我的生命力充满了梦想；做商界大人物的梦想，做政治家的梦想，做歌手兼演员的梦想。没有梦想，我就像是一艘小小的船，在太平洋里，失去了方向盘，漫无目的地飘啊飘。没有梦想，我省下的只不过是一个蜗牛壳，区区壳子，没有里面的灵魂，没有里面的蜗牛。

不过，一个人没有父母过活，我又听说过，但没有体验过，也不想要体验。没有梦想的生活，我曾经有过，小的时候，不过，没有父母的生活，我根本一天也没有体验过。对我来说，没有妈咪，或没有爸爸，好恐怖，好痛苦，好寂寞。对现在的我而言，爸爸妈妈是我的全部。除了他们，我省下的根本微不足道。除了死读书，我还会什么？根本少之又少。如果没有爸爸妈妈支撑着我，我也许早就精神崩溃了。因为我太早把自己放入这个黑暗的世界，现在只有爸爸妈妈永远不会害我。

我想了很久，终于说：“我爸妈。”

Flag Day = Slack Day?!

2010-02-06T13:43:00.002+08:00

I really don't know why some people do flag day for CIP. I mean, I acknowledge the fact that it is really tiring to stand all day, sometimes under the hot sun, just to get people to stuff coins into a tin can. But it's all for doing good deeds, isn't it? CIP itself is to help the society right? But how come all the students, maybe they are my senior, maybe they are my juniors, whom I see doing flag day, especially around Lot 1 and the MRT station, do not seem to get it?

Some students, hold on to their tin cans like it's all they have, stand beside one lonely pillar and look at passer-bys. Are you actually hoping for everyone to see you and donate like that? Who would. You might not even be asking for donations! Some, get their friends to hold on to their tin cans, or just hold it with one hand, and in the other hand, they've got some kind of junk food, eating/drinking it and chatting happily with their friends, completely ignoring whatever the tin can is meant for.

Some, even more ridiculous, shrink away in one corner, talking to their friends, and when a passer-by like me, a possible donor, looks at one of them straight in the eye, then stare at the tin can, they look at me with a glance that says, "why are you looking at me? Go do your own business." I mean, when someone looks at you, usually one would go up to them and politely ask for donations, sometimes stating your cause (Eg. SPCA) and always with a big friendly smile plastered onto your face. Why would you turn around and back-face possible donors.

Also, when people who want to donate go up to you and put coins into the slit initiatively, why do most of you (Esp. the ones doing today.) give them a look as if it's their responsibility and duty to donate money, and you're still grumbling about them donating too little. Shouldn't you smile and say "thank you" politely at least?

Please, my fellow Singaporean students. Flag Day may be boring and tiring, but isn't CIP supposed to be like this? If you're not looking to help people, but just slacking there, hoping to earn some easy CIP hours, I think that you guys are ruining the MOE's intention of implementing compulsory CIP and making it unfair for those who actually put in their heart and soul into helping others.

Auditioned for Juliet

2010-02-04T20:31:00.002+08:00

实在是太棒啦！

我成功了！我Audition成功啦！呵呵。终于，我可以逃出后台这个坟墓（quoth Waiyee姐）跑到台上发挥喽！而且我是《梁山伯与祝英台》的女主角：朱丽叶！mwahahaha. 女主角第一候选人。如果没什么事发生的话，呵呵，Tingyu，我绝对不会让你有机可乘的！

完全搞笑人物，大家敬请期待吧！

2010-01-24T20:04:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging much lately. Because I've been writing in my diary. Maybe some things are just too personal. Furthermore, if I write it down, some people might become very worried. So.

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I could go back in time and redo everything again, but because even if time reverses itself, Fiona will still be Fiona, and Fiona will still do what she had done, so nothing would change. And I would have to go through the torture once more. So time reversal, doesn't sound as good as it would be. Because whatever the outcome, it would still be the same.

I'm trying to grapple with the future, and try to reduce my regrets. But... I don't want to move on. Somehow, if I post all my feelings, I might as well just copy and paste whatever I wrote after graduating from primary school. They're almost the same.

What will the future bring for me? Will I get what I wish for?

And... what will be the price I have to pay?

Day 1 and Day 2: over

2010-01-05T20:35:00.002+08:00

Why. Do. We. Have. School.?

Still loitering somewhere in Lala Land, and having a Holiday Hangover. Why does Hwa Chong have a longer holiday than us? But never mind, since I need to face reality, why not face it sooner.

These two days, 309... is still much strange to me. Not very used to the way it works, I don't know many people well and... they usually disappear during breaks and all, leaving us no time to bond. I really miss 212. Why did we have to split? Crap. Now I'm getting teary. The good thing is we're really bonded. hehe. We still have lunch together on the 212 table, just like the good ol' times.

SAP scholarship results still not out yet. BSP teachers gave us our first graded assignment already. ON THE 1ST LESSON. oh well. Everything is suddenly in front of us. I'm scared.

Fell asleep during chem. Why? 1. The teacher is prolly new and speaks in a monotonous lullaby. 2. Everything he says, I mostly know. Bet it's for the sake of the PRCs.

Sat on the back table of 311 during LA. Why? 1. not enough chairs. 2. We're going to have a combined class. Sec 3 is turning into the homeroom system... BTW, Mr Paul Tan, LA teacher, resembles Mr Kuo a lot. A whole lot. I really miss Mr Kuo. WHY can't he be our chem teacher? Or another teacher who has more life? I really like the subject, don't want a boring teacher to ruin it.

Oh. Grace is back. Just a side note.

再十天罗志祥就发片了！想听《罗生门》想惨了。

2010-01-02T19:56:00.002+08:00

还是疯狂地爱上罗志祥。除了李资政，他是我唯一的偶像。

省不到40个小时就要上学了。我并不期待。本来非常不赞同By2没有读完中学就出道，但现在还蛮羡慕的。因为可以Homeschooling嘛！像Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson. Emma还考到超好的大学呢！如果我也可以，那该多好。

哎呀，别做梦了，快点醒过来吧！回到现实生活比较实在。

真想知道奖学金到底拿到了没。

2010-01-01T23:29:00.003+08:00

我时常在想，为什么我拼了命读书，最后还要进办公室做工呢？

我想要当明星，过着他们那种光鲜亮丽的生活，多姿多彩。虽然很多人都说演艺圈很黑暗，但是有什么工作没有黑暗的一面呢？政治，office politics, 到处都有。

不知道为什么，这个假期过后，我特别想当歌星。如果我可以唱歌、演戏来赚钱，当明星（不是新传媒的），那该有多好。

Happy New Year 2010!

2010-01-01T22:00:00.002+08:00

That's right. 2010 has arrived. But the funny thing is, can't believe it, I feel no difference. Serious.

Have I grown by a year? Has it been so fast? Probably because the new year isn't such a great deal compared to Chinese New Year. Or maybe it's because the countdown celebrations in Singapore aren't really great. I spent last night watching 东方卫视's 跨年演唱会 because Show was performing in it. And it was much much more high than whatever Channel 8 and Channel 5 was showing. My mum and my brother was watching those two channels and got bored.

Papa was at work! Well, he was on overnight duty. Sigh. SAF still has to protect Singapore, even on publi holidays. Terrorists don't suddenly become harmless people for one night.

And today, I spent the whole day watching the Taipei and Taichung Countdown 2010 concerts. OMG. It's super high. I feel like flying to Taiwan to celebrate the New Year next year and the years after. (But I know it's probably not going to come true.) They can really bring up the atmosphere.

By never mind. Happy New Year everyone!

p.s. Who wants to go watch 刺陵 (The Treasure Hunter) with me?

2009-12-23T13:15:00.002+08:00

我真的很喜欢很喜欢没有学校的日子。自己在家，慢慢学习，慢慢背一些自己想要知道的闲事，但不到一个星期以后，我又得去学……我不知道怎么再次适应学校的生活呀！想到那些压力，我就害怕得睡不好，晚上时常做噩梦，梦见同学们都不喜欢我，梦见功课大大地退步，梦见很多我恐惧的事情。

2009-12-13T08:37:00.002+08:00

Went jogging/cycling/playing badminton with Tiffany yesterday at Choa Chu Kang park. It was so fun. We ran, like, a few rounds and exercised for 30 minutes. We tried to do the exercise pits thingum, like monkey bars, sit-ups and all, but failed. Because it was either too high to reach or too hard.

The egg sandwich that Tiffany made was superb! but the milo I brought was too hot and not sweet enough. Just very chocolatey. I think that was what Sammy was telling me at the chalet, not sweet enough.

Then we tried playing badminton and HAH! My badminton skills improved. And Tiffany had a fun time cycling down the slope over and over and over and over again. While I, on the other hand, tried 罗主任's way of practising to sing, run fast for one minute, and run slowly and sing a fast song at the same time, but my voice had to be steady. It was really hard.

Then we cycled/ran from CCK park to Marsiat's house, and yeah, whenever there was a slope, I let Tiffany cycle. She had loads of fun, although when we go uphill or something, I was the one riding. Anyway, we called Marsy outside her house, and then rang the doorbell. But she saw us. So it wasn't fun. And we gave her a "$500 watch", which spoilt immediately. The strap fell off, but Tiffany repaired it like, 30 minutes later, after trying very hard. And we finished her box of chocolates. HAHAHA. Uninvited guests who ask for food.

Then Marsy came over to my house to eat the chicken rice which was meant for Tiffany. (Tiff went home for lunch) and when we were done, Tiff came over and we played the organ. Tried teaching them Harry's Wondrous World and Tsuna Awakens, but neither succeeded. In the end, we played Monopoly.

I owned the most properties and WON! HAHAHA.

2009-12-05T10:44:00.000+08:00

I was about to die from mugging for JLPT, but something made me high again. Guess what, after such a long time, I finally discovered the bear JunHui gave me for my birthday can actually sing! haha. It's so cute.

2009-12-03T13:49:00.002+08:00

JLPT is coming up. Sunday. And I'm stressing up over it. Why do I like to give myself so much stress? Get a life, man. And guess what, I was pissed that下一站，幸福, something that I thought was very corny had a much higher viewership than 主任's 海派甜心, and I went to watch it. Now I can very well understand. It is such a nice show. Too bad it hasn't finished airing. Sigh.

苏州探索之旅

2009-11-20T23:58:00.000+08:00

第四天
13/11/09

今天阮佳敏同学送了一块抹茶味的饼干给我！超好吃的。我以为她昨天是说着玩的，原来是真的哦！经过那么多次的数学课，今天的数学课（矩形）算是最有收获的！因为我已经了解了他们种种复杂的术语了。华语（语文）课呢……学习了太多了！呵呵！从来没有认真读或了解古文的我，把同学们学习的课文——柳宗元的《小石潭记》——在笔记本上抄了一遍，然后一边听着老师讲课（她讲的好好哦！），一边疯狂地抄笔记。柳宗元也真够无聊的！想要写一首能够表达内心的悲哀的诗就直接开门见山地写嘛！为什么还要先写看似开心欢乐的一两段，在表达自己的悲痛呢？但可能因为这样而显得很更悲伤，更美丽的诗。我以后一定会学习他的风格。好多个中国同学都看着我抄，一幅惊恐万分的表情，问我：“你为什么要炒课文啊？被老师罚了吗？还是新加坡的同学都必须抄一篇？”哈哈哈！我只不过认为那篇散文太美了，很值得我学习而已嘛！

地理老师上课时，教了长江的发展与管理。非常热爱地理的我认为老师的课很有趣，虽然说实在的，要不是内容精彩，她的声音跟当地的学生说的一样，是个非常适当的摇篮曲。还有，非常可惜的是没能与同学一起看课本，石琛也不让我问老师可不可以。但课堂的后半部分真的很无聊，同学们都做自己的作业，所以我只好再看一遍阅读资料。如果以后能够与同学一起写功课、看课本、听课、考试或测验也好，体会他们的生活，那该多好！

英文课也很有趣哦！我们与同学一块儿演出《丑小鸭》，而我与一群女同学一组，我演的是鸭妈妈和猎狗。我和石琛发现剧本的一部分英文是错误的，于是去“问”老师（其实是想非常客气地告知。）“most dignity bird”的 “dignity”是否也是形容词。她说那个字既是形容词，也是名词，但查过网络以后跟全班说“dignity”是名词，而“dignified”才是正确的形容词。

下午，我们去了苏州工业园区的展览厅。大部分的资料我在星加坡图书馆里借的一本书《豪壮的宏愿和谐的乐章：中新苏州工业园区》看过，但还是有些事不了解。经过管理员的讲解，我更加了解工业园需的环境、历史，还有经济模式等。仔细看了那里的展览，我也学习到这个工业园区对新加坡的意义：它不但是代表中新二国的象征，也能促进经济，创造一个平台让两国人民发挥自己的才华、创业、也顺便制造更多的工作机会。

我们也去了拙政园，听了管理员回答我们一个个问题，了解了保护园林也同时保持它的古老价值是非常不容易的。我认为保护世界遗产是非常重要的。自古以来，我们的祖先留下了不少宝贵的文化物品给我们，而这是我们的责任与义务去好好珍惜它们、保护它们，然后把这些块被现代科技吞噬殆尽的古文物传给我们的下一代，下下一代，直到永远永远。

P.S.在拙政园，那些星海的学生仔细用尺量了远离每个被损坏的部分，还用照相机拍了下来，观察力非常敏锐。

第五天
14/11/09

第一站：用和豆浆。第一个印象就是那个看似一件快餐店，但仔细观察后，那里根本跟麦当劳，KFC差好多哦！他们没有用电脑系统，反而用传统的点菜方式，让服务生从餐厅大声叫（或走到厨房旁边的窗口），然后厨房里的师傅准备放在长桌上让服务生端，非常有传统风味，尤其跟古代片的客栈很相似。

我们去了虎丘，看见“东方的皮萨斜塔”。我发现中国对石头特别地偏爱，不管哪一个景点，都有很美丽的石头耶！不管是拙政园、虎丘、寒山寺，到处都是石头。我很好奇为什么石头那么受欢迎。同时，号码“四”也很普遍，如四大天王，四大才子，四大美女，等。

我们也坐了船，而我从这次学到很多东西。第一：古人都沿着大和旁边建房子，大部分的生活和市需要河水的。第二：漏窗。原来中国人那么喜欢看风景，还特别有一种窗去看风景。看来享受对中国人非常重要的。

我们也去了寒山寺，看到好多人到那里买许愿带、敲钟、拜佛。听导游说百分之九十的中国人都信佛，想必当他们在做某样重要的事时，一定会挑好日子，看风水什么的。为了好玩，我跟几个同学付了五块钱，跑到钟楼去敲钟。钟楼的楼梯好窄，但仍然有人一直欺负小孩子，把握推来推去，害我差一点摔跤。

第八天
17/11/09

终于有机会看见古文、古装戏常提起的西湖。西湖又冷，有很大，四面不是山和柳树，就是城市。坐上船的初三十分钟，我一直把重点放在西湖的漂亮风景、挂着的大风、在水面上洁白的浪花和随着风摇摆自己常常的树叶的柳树。乘船游西湖眼看已经过了一大半，我静下来问自己，西湖不过如此而已，不过老师真的是要我们来欣赏风景的吗？于是我就问导游哥哥：“请问我们这次游西湖能够学到什么？”

他犹豫了。“这个问题很难，让我想一下。”导游哥哥接下来的一番话，真的说得很好，让我学到了很多。中国的审美观和西方的审美观大有不同，西方的审美观就是简简单单，像是一直流行的黑白两色，不然就像英国的西敏宫一样，那么华丽壮观。来到了西湖，我也能体会中国的审美观就如同一幅水墨画。景色一定要像西湖的景色，有前景，有中景，也有背景，颜色也会根据距离远近而变浅或变更突出。这让我想起导游一上船时说的一句话：“中国人认为，美丽的湖一定要像西湖一样才叫做美。”原来他不是在说大话。当我仔细想一想，中国人在很多事情上都被历史和文化所影响，做生意的方式也一样。许多大规模的中国公司，如华为，都是以传统中国做生意的方式成功的——把产品卖给其他产业，不像很多知名的公司，直接卖给消费者；以价格来竞争，而不是往创新的方向迈进。

岳王庙。这是个什么样的地方？自从在小学课本里认识岳飞这个民族英雄以后，我一直都很好奇地幻想着。壮观？金瓦？终于有机会亲眼见到这个有几百年历史的岳王庙时，很失望地想道：“不会吧？岳王庙那么……”但是就如同西湖一样，表面上看起来没有什么，但是进了岳王庙，听导游讲解（虽然很多故事都是以前课本里、书里读过的），我慢慢体会到这个没有那么壮观的岳王庙所包含的故事。岳飞曾经那么效忠国家，但是也因为忠于皇上而被谋害，真是一个悲剧啊！难怪人们会那么厌恨秦荟和其他人，我也想踢他们两脚，但是想不到真的有人会对那些谋害民族英雄的人，而且只不过是跪着的铜像，吐痰！虽然没有看到旅客吐痰，但光看那个写着“文明游览请勿吐痰”的告示牌就能知道。中国的民族精神和爱国精神真的很强烈，也是这也是为什么中国有那么多民族，而民族之间时常起冲突的原因吧。

我们也去了苏东坡纪念馆。他创造的是虽然很深奥，很难懂，但是看了墙上的解释，我慢慢体会那些词汇的意思了。苏东坡真的非常多情，难怪他会写出那么美妙的诗词。不过，听了他的人生故事以后，我一直在想，他不是要当官吗？那政治嘛，就一定不能做出对自己不利的举动。但是苏轼偏偏做出了很多，像是反对朝廷之类的东西。虽然他文学是很优秀，很值得我们学习的，但是我认为苏东坡处事待人的方式真的很有问题。坦白是很好，但也得看看场合嘛！说到这里，我自己好像也有一点这样子……一定要反省反省，然后改一改。

第九天
18/11/09

原本以为有机会可以带着草帽，背着一个篮子到山上采茶叶的，但可能是冬天的缘故，还是茶馆根本没有提供旅客这种体验的关系，到了梅家坞茶文化村，我们23个人只有坐在一个不冷不热地房间里面，听一个姓梅的姐姐讲解龙井茶是怎么帮我们人体排毒的。没有看见真正的茶树，没有看见师傅炒茶，没有看见新鲜的茶叶。

不过，我仍然学到了很多。当然不是茶叶是多么好，因为这些我已经知道了。她的长篇大论反而让我见识到中国旅游业的人是怎么推销商品，而且见识到茶文化在中国人的生活是多么有影响力。她首先介绍自己，让我们知道她绝对有资格跟我们推销这个产品，而且是有大学证书可以证明她说的都是可以相信的，而不是某个诈骗集团乱掰的。她用我们眼睛容易看见，使我们绝对相信的实验来证明她的话，时不时用“政府”来向我们保证他们的品质，同时也跟其他商场作价格比较，让我们性甘情愿花钱买他们口中“便宜的高等货”。

到了上海，发现那里不是一个被战争破坏，落后肮脏的城市，而是一个到处都是高楼大厦，科技发达的城市。不过空气真的被污染到不行，因为车子太多。坐旅行车的时候，我发现上海的外滩，还有对岸的浦东风景真的很美，也让我想起新加坡的珊顿道。晚餐过后，我问导游：“导游哥哥，请问饭店离餐馆很远吗？”

他回答说：“不会，很快就到了。差不多三十分钟。”这让我意识到，在中国什么都要放大：钱、人口、数字、时间。真的，什么都要放大，因为新加坡实在太小，而世界实在太大。

我也开始意识到，不管新加坡多好，如果我想要在这个地球上创出自己的一片天，那么我不能够一直留在新加坡这个小红点的。

总结

十天，三个城市，七百块。虽然这个数目对我的家庭来说很大，但我认为一点也不浪费。这趟学习之旅，我学到许多我不知道我不知道的东西，对中国这个东方之首也有更多的了解。

到了那里的学校，我看到了不同的教学制度，不同的学习精神，不同的教科内容。当然在中国的教育系统和新加坡的教育系统之间的差别，我清清楚楚地感受到。不过如果要我在两个之间作比较，我只能说各有各的好。比方说，在中国，不管老师多么亲切，教师和学生之间会保持一定的距离，学生也对老师保留一定的尊重，永远达不到相似友谊的关系；在新加坡，教师和学生之间时常有接近朋友的亲密关系，距离感大大减少，不过尊重大致上也没有那么多。我只能说教育制度是跟随当地的文化而改变的，中国的制度比较适合中国的学生，相对的，新加坡的方式比较适合我国的学生。要是对调了，效果应该不会像现在的一样好。

我也观察到中国人的生活方式跟新加坡人有蛮大的差别。虽然日常行为上的特征我并没有机会看得到，但是我发现，中国人蛮尊重享受的。比如说他们生活的地方有很多公园和自然摆设品，而这些是新加坡很罕见的。可能因为他们地方大，所以有比较多吧！除了这些，我认为他们也喜欢喝茶聊天，赏风景，生活方式大大不同。打个比方，我们的生活就像咖啡一样，浓郁的味道，参杂一点苦涩，我们却很喜欢，喝多了虽然精神饱满，能够全力往前冲，但对身体不好；他们的生活就如同绿茶一般，有一股清香，绿茶入口为涩，回味为甘，即使喝再多，不只对身体无害反而更好。

这趟旅程让我对中国彻彻底底地改观了。原本以为中国还没有新加坡来得先进，但我错了。中国可以说比新加坡还更先进。听说中国的厕所简直是个噩梦，但我发现那里的厕所除了冲水系统不好，和门不能关以外，还算干净的，比我国许多咖啡店的厕所还干净呢！我明白中国虽然还大大地被古代遗传下来的文化所影响，但这些影响并非妨碍她的发展，反而让这条东方之龙再度醒过来。相信以后的中国会是一个经济更加发达的地方，她的历史文化也就更值得我们去学习研究了。

2009-11-19T20:47:00.002+08:00

终于回到我亲爱的花园城市，一年四季都是夏天的热带国家，新加坡。太好了吧！现在我要好好的在我舒服得床睡一觉了！

Happy 14th Birthday!

2009-11-06T20:50:00.003+08:00

It's my birthday today! Woke up this morning, not really remembering it was my brthday (Too drowsy) until mummy gave me a slice of cake. haha. And I had 鸡蛋面线 for dinner. woots! Go back report book and found out that I have to go for interview to get into HP because I very honestly admitted that if I got both SAP scholarship and a place in 314, I have to choose one and I told Ms Foo that I would choose SAP. So if I don't go to 314, and end up in 313 instead, don't be surprised people. Sorry, if you hoped for me to be gone. Aww. Hey! I can't go there and tell Ms Foo that I'll choose HP and then go China where Ms Foo will be going with us and tell 曹老师 that I will definitely choose SAP. hrumph. But I really really love humanities!

Anyway, no presents today except for a notebook from Lynn. Even she didn't remember my brithday. And my dad gave me a handphone ($50 with contract) a few months ago. Whatever happened to the stack of presents everybody gets when it's their birthday?有一点点难过……

没人记得我的生日。

2009-11-02T19:52:00.002+08:00

Got back overall marks already. WOOTS. I got MSG1!!! Of course, B3 for Japanese doesn't count but not only me got B3 right? And I got 4th in class. Woots. Nope, I don't feel sad for not getting into top 3. MSG 1 is good enough for me. YAY! But now I've got to convince mummy and papa not to force me to quit Japanese.

Sad thing's that I fell sick. Good thing, I'm already better. Stupid thing, I took the wrong bus, fell asleep on it so that I missed even the one possible stop I could get off at (opp. ten mile) and took such a long time to get home. SHEEEEEEEEEEESH.

Overwhelming Defeat.

2009-11-02T19:43:00.003+08:00

Thought I could forget about it, forget about the sadness, forget about the bitterness, forget about the regret, but the moment I stepped back into the school compound, the overwhelming posters stared back at me in the face, smirking and gloating at our defeat. I can't forget the suddenness that the results struck with. I could only just hold back the tears and continue the long way up to the 212 classroom, and ignore the blue poster waving sadistically at me along the corridor.

Stalkerish white cat

2009-10-31T08:46:00.002+08:00

I woke up, and opened the door. Then found this really beautiful pure white cat loitering around my doorstep and the moment I opened the wooden door, it wanted to come in. It had been coming back to our doorstep for several days at an end, so my mum says. But yesterday night, it was also there. I was in a very sad mood, after the China Briefing, and it was walking towards our door, hiding in our potted plants, and looked at me with such large eyes that I was so afriad.

Come on, kitty. Stop stalking my family. We don't want a pet. Especially not a cat. My brother kinda likes it. But my mum and I don't like pets. I'm afriad of it. But it doesn't look like a normal stray. It has a bell around its neck, and which stray is pure white? Mummy says it should have been abandoned by its owner. Poor thing. If it keeps coming, back, I shall call Chen Lili Laoshi to come and adopt it. She loves white cats, doesn't she?

The Moste Excellente and Lamentable Tragedie Of Two Twelve

2009-10-30T20:54:00.002+08:00

Seriously. I'm very sad. It's like an exact tragedy.

We spent so much effort and time. I'm not so optimistic like Natalie, who can look on the bright side. If I so much as peek at the bright side, I start having tears rolling in my eyes. It's that bad. And Kar Lai, I'll pretend I didn't hear whatever you said. Because it rubs everything in. I know you watched my play. But DON'T COMPARE. Our final product is the 心血 of the entire twotwelve.

And I don't like hearing "you almost made it". I know 何老师doesn't like this kind of play, but I kinda wished we performed yesterday. Because the groups yesterday, hemhemhem. Although Benjamin Ho made it sound as though they were so extremely good, I don't know where the "so very very very very very" came from. No offence.

I was near tears when Nat's bedsheet fell. You rock, Hankyung. You covered it up so well I didn't notice when I looked at the screen. Until Amelia started freaking about it, because I was too busy cueing the sounds person. It went like this:
"track 5 snap in."
...5secs later....
"huh?"

I'm still very sad over it. Because we were so high, so confident that we would pull through, so known to everyone. But then, we didn't get it. That moment, we were suddenly crushed. We stopped cheering loudly, we stopped clapping loudly,our smiles froze and we stopped smiling. All of a sudden, all we had worked for after the stressing exams, all that we slogged our guts for, all that we spent all our free time doing, was denied, not recognized, not appreciated, not wanted. It was all too sudden.

But we quarrelled. We cried. We screamed. We cheered. We fell sick. We got nervous. We went hungry. We slept. We busied. We flustered. We bonded. We'll be forever 212 '09. Let's have the last few times together in a happy mood. Hopefully.

Drama Fest 2009 - Group A

2009-10-29T21:22:00.002+08:00

All were emo plays. Although it was really funny at some parts, like Grace's one, "Sister, sister" sounds like he's calling someone from the nunnery. no offence.

A bit tired of the emo plays nearing the end, because none effectively made me cry, and none were really funny. Just felt some were good. And my dear friends, PUT MORE MUSIC. And btw, the audience won't like long speeches (AKA monologues) by a character. Pity that Material Girls didn't get in., Really liked it. Yanhong was very shuai today.

212. JIAYOU FOR OURS. Let's get our romance and 'tragedie' going!

p.s. Audience, if you laugh, you're normal. If you cry, erm... hehe.

long long time I haven't

2009-10-25T00:48:00.003+08:00

posted. So I'm posting now. I didn't post because I didn't have the inspiration to write. But happy to know people read my blog. hehe.

exams are over. whew. But I'm still very anxious about it. What if I got some crappy results? I'll probably cry my head off. If I do, dear 212, don't expect me to handle drama with a clear head.

Japanese results came out. I didn't do very well. Now mummy and papa have an excuse to make me quit Japanese, even if I miraculously get MSG1, I don't think they will be happy to let me continue Japanese. I really don't want to give up, I really like Japanese. But as Hannah saw, the results, really punched a big hole in me. And the funny thing was, hannah got around he same as me (we didn't fail.) yet she tried to comfort me. Thanks dearie.

For some strange reason, they asked me to be SM for drama yesterday. And today I went. Well, it wasn't too bad. And I agree that Nat portrays a different feel. Amelia looks very pretty and feminine, and didn't look like a normal couple with Wanlin, more like a lesbian couple and Wanlin was the more masculine one. Ames is too gentle. But then it made me feel like, "how can she be a guy! It's impossible!" and the drama comes out at the end. Just her volume too soft. But Nat and Wanlin looks like a couple very much. and I bet the audience can guess she's a guy in the show. if they know, then they'll probably laugh their heads off. Nice effect. But whoever acts it, as long as some one does it well, it's okay with me. ANYWAY, I was quite blur this morning. Not really familiar with the script. Luckily there was a clear-headed director and Nat and Wanqing, or I'd have continued going, "huh?"

Did anyone see Wanqing's costume? It was hilarious. Looks like Dalai Lama from Tibet. HAHAHAHA. And it just looks like a monk. No way it looks like an emperor. At least adorn him/her with a bit of gold. Took a photo. But if I post it, she'll probably kill me.

The music and effects are very cool. And I hope we can go through a few times tmr successfully, WITHOUT THE SCRIPT. hopefully.

there. posted.

重新来过

2009-10-08T00:20:00.003+08:00

有一个人问我，如果你可以选择回到某一刻，从那时候从新来过，我会想选择什么时候。

这个问题真的好难，因为我好想弥补我伤害过的人，但是我却不想要从新体会那些痛苦和从新努力，也没有把握能够做出不一样的选择。毕竟我就是我，做的事情也许会一样，但是如果回到从前，我可能就没有机会遇到现在我所珍惜的每一个人，不管我们现在是否还是朋友。如果没有这些人，也不会有现在的我，即使现在的我不是最佳的。

所以，如果可以重来，我会选择停留在此刻，继续往前冲，因为我不想冒险，不想失去现在拥有的一切。因为你们都对我很重要。

2009-10-06T18:49:00.006+08:00

People read too much into whatever I say. Always. And in the end they think that I'm insulting them, when I really did not mean to. No, this is not directed to one particular. Everyone knows I'm frank, so all I say only has a meaning on the surface, and I don't mean to hurt. If I do, I'm sorry, but no one will ever think I'm serious, no one will ever accept it. But if it's just you reading too much into it, I don't know what to say, but try to believe in me, I really didn't mean to offend you. If you hurt me first, hrumph. If I don't like something, I'll say it to you in your face. Believe it or not, it's your choice.

But somehow, I really don't care anymore. Because no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how sincere I am, no matter how much I try to make up to them, no matter how much effort I put in, no matter how much they mean to me, no matter how much I try not to offend them, they just think that I'm stuck-up, bragging, bossy, whatever-there-is person and, who really trusts me?
No one.

Maybe only Tiffany.

I'll just look past those things, and try to survive, even if it means being all alone.

你的微笑

2009-10-04T23:36:00.003+08:00

你的微笑是我的动力，我永远的支柱。为了你的笑容，我可以不顾一切，我可以付出我的所有。因为你，我才有力量坚强地撑过去。每当我想起你那一次的笑容，那么开心，那么骄傲，我都会咬着牙齿，忍受所有的委屈。但我已经没有把握能够再让你笑了。不管我怎么努力，得到的都只是你痛苦的笑容；我只能指望另一个他再次带给你当初的笑容。

What do I really want?

2009-10-03T10:29:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, the world feels like it's just going to end like that. Because everything crashes and there seems nothing in front for me to work towards. And I lose all my motivation to continue pursuing my dreams. They just don't seem possible to come true.

What do I really want?
Someone give me a reason to live on.

2009-09-30T20:35:00.001+08:00

Oh. crap. dang. The more I tell myself not to think about it, it comes flooding all back. It's over girl, stop thinking about it and move on. Do your best.

今日のテスト本当に難しいですね！

2009-09-29T09:21:00.002+08:00

那一切都已经告一段落了。接下来的以后再说。虽然我早就知道那是一场胜负已定的战场，就如大家所说的，心情很难过。我必须承认，他们的剧本和剧情都相当好，但是唯独演员差了。要悲伤不够悲伤，要伟大不够伟大，要霸道不够霸道，要贱不够贱。

不过虽然我有很多意见，我都不想提了。因为你们肯定都会认为我是因为不爽所以在鸡蛋里挑骨头，根本不会听。所以，我只能说，加油吧。

你走你的独木桥，我走我的阳光道。

2009-09-19T21:42:00.002+08:00

我从来么有这么认真考虑离开家。为什么他总是针对我？妈咪说他认为我不够关心他，那好嘛！我关心一下啊！但他不领情，不能怪我。他被同学欺负，被老师羞辱，我都替他打抱不平，差一点跟我尊敬的老师闹翻了。他样样得第一的时候，我在父母面前称赞他，希望他以前在学校闹事的错误能够被原谅，让爸爸不对他产生成见。爸爸要签Broadband合约，我叫他拿一架电脑给他，因为他应该开始需要了。

努力对他好，尽一个姐姐的责任。但是他生活越来越顺利，却渐渐对我越来越不尊敬。早上几分钟对爸爸讲话，都说他很乖，什么的。他是很聪明，但是他一起床，就一直找我碴，让我不得安宁。早知道就不对你好了，你被欺负，关我什么事？你考第一名，关我什么事？真的很怀念我们以前井水不犯河水的时候，因为虽然交集少之又少，但起码不会吵架。如今，我们还是没有吵架，而只是我单方面受委屈，而你因为折磨我而high翻天。

以后，我不想再理会你故意要伤害我的话了。你走你的独木桥，我走我的阳光道。请你不要跑到我的阳光道。这是我第一次那么希望我是一个独生女。

我有很多理由让我自己活下去，但是我有一个更大的理由不想继续存在了。

Drama rehearsals

2009-09-17T23:16:00.002+08:00

I hope this is going to be the last time we rehearse drama before grading. After that, oh well. We've got 33.3333% chance to be chosen. Anyway, we spent quite alot of time. There were people missing and going to the library and not returning, and math remedial. But anyway, we carried tables, chairs and props to the rooftop, the restricted area behind the home econs rooms, and we practiced there. It was really windy to the extent of being cold.

I wore the same as on Sunday, pink tight shirt with a black hoodie. Rachel's shirt was very nice, and she has a nice figure to go along. Unlike me, short and fat, like a teapot. Anyway, Nat changed in the corner, where there was nobody. And she looked damn shuai. As in the feminine kind of shuai. Junhui... HAHAHAHAHA. She looked really cool, just like a police officer. But Brenda looked like a security guard. They're going to wear suits though.

I think we're quite okay with the cues and all already and much thanks to the people who will help us play music and all. Thanks.

I'm looking forward to it. IT'S GOING TO BE SO COOL. haha.

welcolming DeeJay Callie.

2009-09-12T17:09:00.001+08:00

Terribly disappointed in myself. 9 days of holiday, this is the eigth day. What have I done? Nothing.

Useless.

2009-09-09T16:57:00.000+08:00

I've been such an idiot. So dumb that even I laugh at myself.

钱

2009-09-07T14:38:00.002+08:00

钱。果然钱比什么都重要。

钱，可以让你得到你所渴望的一切，让你拥有摆在眼前的梦想。没有钱，即使你多么有能力，那又怎么样？没有了钱，再多的机会也只不过是像玻璃窗后的饰品，就在眼前，离我那么近，几乎已伸手就抓得到，却始终那么遥远，那么难以得到。

钱，可以买一个未来，一个我想要的未来。不管我多有信心可以克服所有所有的挫折，始终没有办法去尝试，没有办法去争取。因为这些机会需要钱，而我没有钱。再多的战场，不管用什么破铜烂铁，我都相信我能够打赢。不过大家对我都没有信心，不认为我能够百战百胜，因为我连一个破罐子都没有。

钱，真的很重要。即使得到所谓钱买不到的“情”，没有钱，这些“情”也会渐渐消失殆尽，把你带到一个黑暗无望的世界里。有了钱，世界上的一切都属于你了。

可惜，我不只没有钱。

Regret

2009-09-05T20:48:00.001+08:00

When life becomes totally wrong,
It's exactly like what's in a sad song.
All this while the tears stain my face,
In my head guilt and regret race.
Was I wrong?

When I feel betrayed and intruded,
They still don't get it,
They don't understand.
What can I do to make it happen,
To make everything alright again.

How I wish for it to be fine,
For them to know my needs.
But all they did just hurt me,
The deeds, the words, the screams.

I wrote these words last year for a very important friend. But just like how she felt betrayed and disappointed at that time, I hurt her now. I don’t remember any reason why I did it, but I only remember that after it happened, the first thought in my mind was that I would definitely regret it. I can’t blame anyone, I can only blame myself. Our friendship kept fluctuating, and I really don’t know if we’re still friends. I won’t apologise anymore, because it won’t work. But if you’re reading this right now, I just want you to know that I really regret doing it, and I know you will probably ignore me for life, but to me, you will forever be my friend.

2009-09-04T23:16:00.001+08:00

那一秒，我已经放弃了。不管多么久的时间，你应该都不会看到我的真心。虽然我们永远只能做朋友，但是你会是我心中很重要的朋友。

我以为你给了我一线希望，但是伸出手却只是冰冷铁窗，一扇挡在我们之间的铁窗。也许这就是为什么不管我对你多好，对你付出多少，你也不会回应我的感情。我不相信你从来都不曾发觉我对你的心意，但是你是否有认真对待过呢？应该没有吧。

我已经不想再像一个便利贴，永远只是当你找不到PDA记事情时，才拿出来用，而且用完就丢，从来不会留恋，也不会认为它重要。但是如果这个便利贴已经决定不要再做备胎，那么你会发现她已经不见了吗？

2009-09-03T05:50:00.002+08:00

不知道现在的心情应该怎么样。不知道为什么她反应那么大。但是我有能怎么样呢？她都说不要道歉了。反正本来就是我的错，也不能怪他。如果我是她，我反应一定会很激烈的。所以她应该已经算是蛮仁慈了吧……

我真是一个自找麻烦的大白痴。

Teachers' Day 09

2009-08-31T18:14:00.002+08:00

Today we had loads of fun. I pon-ed 3rd lang to go. I'll do elearning at home anyway. But Malcolm and Gavin, who are freaking tall (I'm barely up to their shoulder) kept teasing me about my height. Because they said they had nothing better to do. Anyway. We played Concentrate on Lot 1's rooftop. JunHui was like, very childish leh! AND aunties were staring at us. keep feeling that we disgraced Nanyang. But we weren't doing anything against moral values (Except playing a childish game) so I hope it's fine. I thought Malcolm was bluffing when he said during one round that I was number 3, but then he wasn't. I was amazed. He grew up.

We went back and saw many teachers. Oh. We paid $3.30 each (12 of us: Shammah, Junhui, Junhong, Gavin, Malcolm, Faiz, Gigi, Kimberly, Nicole, Seowhwee, Gabriel and I.) for a Body Shop set of soap for Mrs Raymond. Whoa. And the boys had waited for hours poor them. I ate a Apple Pie and a Extra Small coke for lunch, and felt amazingly full.

We talked a lot, and Mdm Mona Lee said that my brother made a right choice in transferring school. HAH. His class was still problematic without him. SO it's wrong to conclude that my bro caused everything. Hrumph. You know, my brother topped his class in Mathematics, English and Science! i'm so happy for him. His 270++ is in sight!

Mrs Raymond treated us to bubble tea which was really expensive. and we talked a lot. But this time, the boys isolated themselves. aw. I really don't know what boys are thinking now. They seemed to be different from girls. But I don't think they matured as much. Although some probably did. (Malcolm has an emo pm. O.o Never expected that.) ANd Junhong seems pretty much mature. He was always more mature than the rest anyway. His voice broke though. So did Caleb. There were more than 15 people i think. about 20 6A peeps. Perhaps. But just alot.

And he looks cooler with his longish hair.

嫉妒

2009-08-30T00:48:00.000+08:00

嫉妒，就是当我看到她拥有我没有的东西时，我心里面会好难过好难过，因为我以为我拥有那些东西。然后我就会想要从她身边夺走那些东西，让它们都归于我，就算我得不到也不想要她拥有。

嫉妒，就是不喜欢她快乐，想要把内心的痛苦全部都加在她的身上。虽然我知道她不会在乎我对她做什么，却还是很想破坏她的一切。不在乎会伤害到谁，就是想要伤害她。

嫉妒，就是当我看到当她心情不好，别人对她特别对她付出关心，我会想到我心情不好时，只会被别人亏，没有人会在乎我为什么那么低落。然后，我会对那个人好失望好失望，因为我很在乎她们。只是在她们眼里，我只不过是个同学，勉强成为朋友，不值一提。

嫉妒，让我满身都长刺，因为我害怕，害怕会全心全意去嫉妒一个人，尤其是我在乎的人。因为就算我再怎么讨厌她，我也不可能对她做什么。

嫉妒，让我变得孤僻，把真正想要说的话藏在心底，不肯让它见到世界。因为我知道我好不容易得来的一点点，一定会被那些真心话破坏，让所有的一切成为历史。

嫉妒，像癌症细胞一样，偷偷进入了我的心脏，不知不觉地散播，然后就突然有一天让我发现它得存在了，但一切都已经太迟了。因为不管我做什么，都没有办法挽回了。如果要医治，那么经过化疗的我一定会痛不欲生，伤痕累累。

嫉妒，真的很残忍，因为它让你无比地痛苦，却不会让你死掉。只能一直忍，一直忍，到上帝愿意从充满折磨的地狱释放我那天为止。

我怎么会变成这样？

当没有人愿意听我说的话时，剩下的只有沉默。

2009-08-30T00:29:00.000+08:00

曾经以为你的世界会一直围着我转，我也会一直围着你转。即使离开，也是你看着我的背影，而我是回头挥手的那个。但如今，挥手的却是你，眼睁睁看你离开的是我。

以为没有人愿意听我说的话时，所以保持沉默。她却说有人愿意听我说的话，只是我不讲话而已。听到这句话时，我真的好感动，真的哭出来了。因为我以为没人会在乎，也没有人会理会。
没有R，我真的很难适应，因为以前R她们就像一个棉被一样，在寒冷的冬天包围着我，让我不会冷，暖暖的，而她们就跟我一起躲在棉被里面。我就站在她们中间，就像主角一样。但是现在，我确变成那个给别人盖棉被的人，但从来不会跟着躲进温暖的被子，一个人留在外面，即使冻死也没人替我盖被。即使我还不能习惯成为配角，却只能强颜欢笑地让别人成为最耀眼的那颗星星。

R是第一个让我感觉到我能够发光发热，不需要看别人脸色的那个人。要不是她，我也没办法成为现在的我。能够遇见她是我这一辈子最幸运的事情。只是我很痛恨那只是短短两年半，也应该没有可能延长到永远了。R，我们的回忆多到数不清，但时间已经让它们慢慢淡化了。我只能说，你会是我永远的好朋友，永远在我心里有重要的位置。

2009-08-28T20:37:00.001+08:00

Today, the briefing for subject combination finally ended. I’m very positive I want Humanities Programme. And my mum thinks it’s fine too. But I want to wait for her to finish listening to the talk. You know, from the start I thought the whole class only I wanted to go to BSP(C). But I found out, Wanqing and Sam both wanted to go too.

But I’m scared. What if it’s too hard for me to cope? What if I become too stressed? But I’ll decide everything after mummy has given me her go-ahead. If she thinks it’s too much, or comes up with a reason, I’ll listen to her. Even if I think it’s impossible now, I’ll probably believe her when she tells me her opinion. Just like for GEP, and to choose Geography.

I sort of regret not getting to know Samantha better. At least earlier than this. We're like going to be separated soon, and I'll lose a chance at getting to know this great person. If we're both going to BSP(C) then it's a different story. sigh.

恶魔天使

2009-08-27T12:30:00.003+08:00

我今天突然想起她。就叫她W吧。

与以往不同。今天我想到的不是她好，而是她背叛我的那一天。想着想着，不知道为什么就哭了起来。因为被W背叛，是我从来没有想过的事情。虽然她只是区区不相信我了，但是因为她不信任我的那件事对我来说太重要了，所以特别难过。

曾经以为不管怎样都不会觉得她不是我的朋友，但是今天却不同。可能我因为另外一个她的关系，不知不觉已经把恨与厌融入我的生活。连我所珍惜的回忆都慢慢被这股邪恶抹黑了。拼命想要把黑暗赶走，但是光明却一步一步离我而去。

W本来在我心目中是一个天使，但是我记得的却是她像魔鬼一样伤害我。当然我们不是非常好的朋友，但是我们的友谊应该是存在的。记得她曾经对我说我不值得相信，也不可能让人然信任，我哭了一整晚。她曾经在大家面前说我只不过是一个满口谎言，不停地假装的骗子。我没有说话。而大家就当我默认了。W的影响力真的很大。过后没有人愿意跟我说话，连原本相信我的人也开始怀疑我的一切了。

为什么，一直以来把她当成朋友，现在她却变成恶魔了？

＊注明：W并不是你们能够猜测的。因为这个字母与她的名字毫无关系。以后我不会用“某人”了。只会用字母。

2009-08-25T09:59:00.002+08:00

我快崩溃了！谁能来救救我！
一天之内，要我怎么背的完啊！

谁犯错就谁负责啊！这不是天经地义的吗？还要理论什么呢？

2009-08-20T20:39:00.002+08:00

i'm totally freaking out over the maths reflection. I really don't know how to do and I wasted an entire day on it.

I know everyone else did too. But I'm really freaking out now. AND I haven't studied for bio quiz. I don't get the menstruation topic.

《会有天使替我爱你》

2009-08-16T13:31:00.002+08:00

明晓溪的《会有天使替我爱你》

这本书让我哭了好多，也让我一直不停地分心，还我很多功课都还没有做完。但是这本书太感人了，也有一部电视剧呢！我一定会去看的。

2009-08-15T20:46:00.001+08:00

I highly doubt that my hand was ever fractured. 肯定是那个医生眼花了。但他明明就很年轻。I think I only sprained it, that's why it's recovering so fast. sheesh.

某人。

2009-08-11T00:40:00.000+08:00

你们知道吗？当某人知道自己是谁的那刻，竟然一直跟我说：“可是当时明明就很假！”某人啊，某人，你真的很执着。或许你不知道，我一直以来都觉得你很直率，使唯一几个说话我不需要怀疑的人，因为你不会拐弯抹角，刻意隐瞒。虽然某人对我很不好，我还把你当很好的朋友。不过，我想这应该是我单方面的想法罢了。就是因为如此，可不可以拜托你，伤人的话少说一点。“每个人都觉得你很假。”这种话不必说了，好吗？

我知道，你一定会说，“要写就应该当面跟我说。” 但就如同你说的，我们俩如果要单独讲话，感觉很怪。如果要当着大家的面说，我不会。因为我习惯以开朗的语气说话，如果开朗不起来就不会说话。这种话，某人，你要我怎么对你说？

不是什么事情都需要明确地说出来的。
我也会犯同样的错，但我已经尽量改了。
不是每个人都喜欢表现心中真正的感受的。因为我不像你。
某人，看到了吗？

X-ray and a 娘娘腔doctor

2009-08-08T19:21:00.002+08:00

the doctor at the polyclinic was damn gay. His voice was all gentle and girly and was like, can't stand it. Guys should not be so... feminine. I don't even talk like that. And although the diagnosis for my arm said nothing's wrong with my bone, the doctor still thinks that I migh thave a hairline crack and wants me to go to KK A&E, which I refuse to. Because it's damn ex. I don't think there's anything wrong with my bone, and going to see another acupuncturist. He's really good, and if there is a hairline crack, he'll spot it. He spotted my brother's before. Hrumph.

But it still hurts real bad. To type this, I already sent myself into hell. Can't type with one hand. Very weird. And my dad got me a sling which made it loads better. BTW, even if you can move it, it can still hurt. I don't believe you can't move your hand at all when you injure it. I don't believe you can't understand the pain. I don't believe you've never injured yourself before. I don't believe you thought that I was faking it. I feel so... sad.

溜冰之狱

2009-08-07T18:22:00.003+08:00

溜冰，好好玩。但是偏偏一场意外让我的幸福消失殆尽，再次把我打回刚逃出来的地狱。所承受的痛苦快让我快崩溃了。一忍再忍，就是不想破坏她们的快乐光阴。但是你知道吗？某一个她竟然说既然我的手可以移动，就没有理由会痛。只是她不知道，每一次我动，都像一个重重的巨锤狠狠敲打我的手，让我痛不欲生。眼泪都向我挑战，逼得我不得不把她们放出来，虽然是一点一滴地，还是很痛苦，很痛苦。而我……就快要被那持续不断的伤痛逼疯了。

再见啦。

History and Chinese Block Test 2 2009

2009-08-04T14:52:00.003+08:00

Blocks was... Chinese was okay, history was fine. Don't want to talk about it. Makes me stressed out. And geography is hard to study for. but it's tomorrow, so I've got no choice.

yesterday, brenda, tianjiao and etc were playing badminton in the hall, and Gah Yarn told me to bring Brenda's bottle up to her. So i did, and saw a glob of brown things. Commented I, "this looks like dog poo" and it was on the court on which they were playing. Then they peered at it and decided to move away. You mean you all didn't notice?!

Geography Revision 1

2009-08-01T09:13:00.002+08:00

Air pressure and altitude.
- they have inverse relationships.
- so higher the altitude (Eg. top of a mountain), higher the air pressure.

Air pressure and temperature
- also inverse relationship
- higher temperature = lower air pressure.

Although mrs amy said not to lump those two together. but i can't help but wonder: Why is it that we are at low altitude, so there should be high air pressure. HOWEVER, we also have high temperature?

幸福

2009-07-31T03:26:00.003+08:00

我已经忘记幸福是什么样的感觉，虽然我知道我比很多人拥有更多的幸福。但是，拥有幸福的人，真的都会感到幸福吗？理论上，是的。但事实上，并没有。很多人拥有富贵豪华的人生，但却因为种种的原因，一辈子没有快乐过，也没有感到幸福过。

幸福到底是什么？

或许，当一个人失去原有的童真，那么他们所拥有的幸福就会被锁在心里的某一个深处，然后等待着一把钥匙能够开启那个被隐藏的盒子。有时候，那个钥匙就是满足；有时候，那个钥匙是真爱；有时候，那个钥匙是老年；但有时候，那个幸福之盒，唯独死亡能够开启。

我的钥匙，在哪里？

2009-07-30T20:23:00.001+08:00

If not for my family and religion, I would have killed myself.

R+J and Bukit Timah Nature Reserve

2009-07-28T20:11:00.008+08:00

I've got 2 things to talk about. 1. LA lesson - R+J movie 2. BUKIT TIMAH NATURE RESERVE

When Mr Lee asked us which movie, the 1968 Romeo and Juliet or 1997 MTV Romeo+Juliet, I unquestionably raised my hand for the former. But after watching a part of the MTV one, I think that it was quite nice, just that Mercutio was very overboard and disturbing. Leonardo DiCaprio was gorgeous. Damn cute. But I still prefer the 1968 version. Because the MTV one ruins my whole impression of Romeo and Juliet, whatever good thing that's left of it. (Did you know Lady Capulet dresses as Cleopatra in the movie and went around kissing younger guys?)

So people at me table, Hannah, Gah Yarn, Sarah and I were quite fed up with the repetitive kissing scenes and tried to aim the ball at the screen, but unfortunately, I missed and Hannah nearly hit Mr Lee, causing him to misunderstand. Really really sorry. But we didn't purposely hit him. It was meant for Romeo. And Hannah feels wronged. I feel so guilty because I started it all. I'm so sorry...

The Bukit Timah trip was damn fun. We saw like, 2 monitor lizards which most likely weren't the same ones (the first one was probably too frightened to come out again) and a huge spider web, a grasshopper and loads man. Wanqing tried to stroke one monitor lizard and I videoed the whole process. Shall post it to youtube and class blog. The quarry was magnificent! The water was so damn clear I felt like jumping in and swimming. But couldn't. We took a group photo too. x) Then, Wanqing and I dug at the spot Mrs Amy told us too. The leaf litter wasn't as thick as we expected and the top soil was freaking thin. seriously. After only less than 10 minutes of slow and easy digging, we could already see the granite below. This is how bad the eco-system is. Gosh.

It was ver short, but very enjoyable. A nature walk just before stressing exams. How perfect. =)

I posted a ton of pictures on my sina blog. Because it has the photobook function and I don't like facebook. x) Linked there as lumispir

2009-07-26T03:39:00.001+08:00

孤单，使独立的背影，隐藏在黑暗地道，在你毫无防备的时候出来，狠狠地攻击你，让你不能从寂寞的洞穴找到出口，让你看不到也摸不着援手。

我实在没办法了，因为我总是一个人。一个人念书，一个人难过，一个人吃东西，一个人吹着晚风。没有人陪我，也没有人愿意了解我。不过，我已经慢慢习惯了。孤单的习惯已经让我的心远离其他人，建起一个高高的墙，让人看不透也穿不过。只是，我真的很希望有人能够穿过

改变

2009-07-26T00:20:00.001+08:00

我真的变了吗？

见面第一句话，是“你变很多。”

但是她并没有加以说明，告诉我哪里改变了，仿佛很怀念之前的我，但是现在的我跟以前的我都还是同一个人啊！

我们从最要好的朋友，慢慢分裂，如今我们已经属于两个不同的世界，但是这都是必不得已的。我仍然相信当初见义勇为的你并没有消失，也没有被污染，而只是环境的改变逼迫你跟着它一起变。我也不是如此吗？当初离开姐妹们的时候，你是怎么跟我说的，还记得吗？你说过：“如果你还需要我们，我们一定还会欢迎你的。”但是今天我偶然遇见你们，你们似乎不欢迎我，对我产生了很大的敌意。我已经不再是你们的战术精灵，但是我始终是你们的姐妹。经历过那些事情，身份的改变并不会把感情磨灭。我并没有成为高高在上的名校生，也没有看不起你们。你们不要排挤我好吗？虽然我看不惯你们的所作所为，但是……我不想要这些都改变。

如果时光能够倒流，那该有多好。

2009-07-23T20:34:00.001+08:00

Today.
Nothing good, nothing bad.
Just feel pressurized.
And the ever-familiar stress keeps building up, and crushing me underneath.

Sick Leave.

2009-07-20T20:16:00.002+08:00

I haven't gotten a sick leave in Nanyang before, no matter how sick I was. But now Doc wants me to stay home and rest, and doesn't believe my body can handle it. Not only one day, but 2! And I'll miss my third geography lesson, and i won't be able to catch up.
Will someone tell me what ever she taught and for other lessons too?
I need to copy someone's notes, can someone be as kind as to lend me?
I want to ask teachers to give me remedial, will any of them agree?
Will I fail my tests? I don't really know. All I know is everyone will be better than me, and I be lagging behind on the run, just like I always do, striving to catch up and undoing any of the relaxing I've been forced to do, but the monster always catches up with me, no matter how I try to dodge, forcing me into mental insanity, losing my control of myself.

Please someone save me, save me from myself. Please.

2009-07-20T07:09:00.001+08:00

Sick. Again. And I'm afriad to go to school because my temperature is on the high side (around 37.something) but not fever yet (hopefully it isn't) and I've got a blocked nose and an uncomfortable throat. crap man.

Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince.

2009-07-16T14:17:00.003+08:00

~~Everyone's~~ Almost everyone is going for Harry Potter HBP tomorrow. Except me. ~~And Danielle.~~ And Hannah. And those who don't like Harry Potter. And I really want to go. I've not gone out on a class outing before. Which is sad. And it's not like my mum will stop me or anything. I'm just sitting in the 3rd storey of Victoria Theatre tomorrow when they are sitting and watching that very nice exciting movie, and I'll be twisting knobs and the volume, watching a play I've been watching for over a hundred times, praying that we won't mess up after getting a Gold with Honours.

Why do I feel like the Order of Phoenix incident all over again?

Do we still have this next year?

2009-07-14T21:29:00.002+08:00

Many mirrors surrounding them in an octogen-shaped room, twenty-two girls started torturing themselves by stretching their limbs in weird manners. All of a sudden the music stops, and the teacher walks to the middle of the room, staring right down at the girl sitting there in the middle. She with her boy-cut hairstyle, looks up at the teacher, eyeing the stick she holds in her hands frequently, and in a small and meek voice, asks, "明年还会有吗?"

The Class of Big Nice Tables

2009-07-11T20:46:00.003+08:00

What happened to our nice big tables?
They removed them and took them all away...

212. A class not only consisting of GEPers, but also friends, who've come together from different schools and different places. Although we've had our fights, but we also have had our happy moments when we're together as one, all for one.

From C3-03, a normal classroom with 23 blue tables, we inherited the 212 legacy, and we shifted to AE3-01, the classroom hidden away in the dark corner of Nanyang Girls' High, a classroom with wide windows and blig wide tables.
No one cared that we didn't have a broom cupboard or that our tables were joined together, all of us were proud to continue the history of Secondary 2 GEP classes, being in a special classroom, where the fengshui seemed better.

Swopping seats every term, grumbling when we had to leave our classrooms for the LSC week, we all started forgetting about the pleasures of having a small table to ourselves, or should I say we discovered the beauty of the table which was the symbol of our classroom. Big, spacious and a solid shelf underneath, where we could put our pens and not be afriad they would drop. We didn't have to worry that our tables would become very messy; they were too heavy to go out of place.

Memories belonging to only 212 and 212 alone, for a very long time, it included those tables. The tables which were adjoined to each other did not let us feel that others were invading our personal space, but they only made our hearts come closer to each other, preventing our class from dividing, keeping us as one, a unique one.

But now, what happened to our nce big tables? The tables which hold all our memories? The tables where 6 people could squeeze together at and still find space for more? The tables which won't tremble if you sit on it? The tables that didn't have uneven legs? They removed and took them all away, bring our memories and habits along with them.

I know all of us would do everything we can, give up anything for our old tables back. The familiarity of those big wooden tables crept into our hearts, bringing an unknown stability to us all. Replacing them with shaky blue tables, we would once again be the same as any other class, losing our very special uniqueness, once again stuffing pieces of paper under the legs of tables to prevent them from shaking. Memories belonging to the Class of Big Nice Tables will linger, and the same feeling gone with their loss.

Without our Big Nice Tables, won't 212 feel a loss, an emptiness in our hearts? One of the biggest rooms in Nanyang Girls' High, it used to be filled with 11 big tables, yet still remain spacious. Now, it will be ocupied by 22 small blue tables, leaving a big space, a big emptiness, a big loss.

Give us back our tables. We want them back.

Heal The World

2009-07-10T23:56:00.002+08:00

Thinking about why the entire world was making such a huge fuss about a dead pop star, my mind suddenly flashes back to a scene when I was 3, prancing around my living room, dancing to the music of Billie Jean with the music video playing on my television.

When I was 7, they played Heal The World during school assembly, and I remember I asked my teacher, "Why does that guy put his hand on his waist when he spins in a circle?"

When I was 9, I started singing We Are The World with my school choir for the SYF Competition, and we got a Silver, our very first Silver.

The memories don't stop there. My dad was an avid fan of that very same pop star and I loved his songs too, even though he was not Westlife or S.H.E. Think about it. Who has never heard of that pop star? The guy who went through discrimination against Blacks in America to stand out, gain so much fame, and sang so many influential songs.

Someone once said that "there was never someone who went so high, yet dropped so low" yet I disagree. Even during his hardest times, he never did drop rock-bottom. Even though people smeared mud onto his name, the rain would always wash it away, no matter how thick it was. Even though he was one of the world's richest people, he never forgot about his humble beginnings and helped others.

Who has never heard of his famous Moonwalk, the dance that changed the entire course of modern dancing, the dance that no one can ever imitate, the dance that the whole world knew of? Who didn't recognize that guy in the black fedora and single sequinned glove?

Just a few minutes of news of his death rocked the world, he became the No.1 search on Google. Just a few days of his death, Billie Jean topped world music charts again, 27 years after it was released. Just a week after his death, I listened to Heal The World once more. And for the first time in my entire life, I really cried listening to a song.

And this is my tribute to Michael Jackson, King of Pop, a king who reigned for 40 years and will continue reigning till the end of time.

Insect Attack

2009-07-09T12:37:00.002+08:00

Couldn't sleep last night, until like, 2am? No! I was in bed by 11.30 already, but this very stupid insect flew into my room and it was buzzing, i could hear its wings beating. Furthermore, when it hit the walls and all, the smack sound was so loud. So I wound up hiding under my blanket, shivering in fear for nearly 3 hours. I should have brought a torchlight and my maths revision booklet to bed. Now I'm really really tired. argh. And I have audi prac.