depresión desesperación I have been hurt
again
Sunday, September 30, 2007, 8:03 AM

i've decided i like this font better so next time you come and visit, you'll have to squint. I won't be so nice to enlarge it. =D *evil fiona...

7:52 AM

Odd Facts about ME

DO YOU SNORE?:

NO! Which weirdo does? Well, my dad's one.
LOVER OR A FIGHTER?:Lover. Definitely. On second thought, a little of both.
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?:BEING ALONE AND MY DEPRESSION CONTROLS ME!!!
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?:Yep, definitely. It was soo fun.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?:Stupid lah. not even nice to watch. some are silly, some are boring, some are just moronic.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?:erm... why do you ask??? Yea... *shame
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?:OF COURSE! WHo doesn't think a chubby and smiley baby is cute...
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?:Erm... ok lah. Rather lonely lor.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?:Grey???
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?:Obviously, i'm such a singer.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?:No, i'm afraid the air pressure will harm my eyes...
ANY SECRET TALENTS?:WHAT!?!?! Some people think i can dance well.
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?:Gold Coast, Australia
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?:Ya. My mum makes vegetarian sushi VERY OFTEN! ask tiffany. =D
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?:what the hell is that?
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?:OF COURSE! I'm very environmental friendly...
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?:Icecream? erm, one million.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?:Nah, i can even memorise it well. Talk about irony. I'm one of the best at English in class but I don't even know my alphabet!!!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?:ya, twice. To and fro Bangkok.
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?:??? (Don't laugh at my stupidity)
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?:

STOP HUNTING AT ONCE! I'm not forcing everyone to be vegetarians like me but at least cut down on meat, especially those not which are not domestic.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?:I hope so... I don't want to be an old maid...
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?:My English one? Yes. My Chinese one? 鬼画幅ah.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?:Erm.. Heartbreaks, Bullets and Poison.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU":Erm, yesterday? To my mum.
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?:Who the hell... Do you think it's worth it to check out what tupec is? Nah, 浪费时间
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?:Why should I? I'm not the one getting married or giving the red packets.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?:SUPER! But i'm cutting down. H5N1
ARE BLONDES DUMB?:Who said that? Is there any proof?
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?:Back in my drawer together with the other one.
WHAT TIME IS IT?:8:17pm???
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?:Yes. I hate it. I prefer ppl to call me Fifi to that!
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?:i can only eat the ice cream, the fries, the apple pie...
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?:Yesterday. My dad's.
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?:Baths. I only have a shower at home but baths waste water.
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?:Well... "Little kids, Santa is very real.. You parents are just helpers or Santa..." Just let the tots believe lah.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?:No! I'm like a fox, nocturnal. Well, no nocturnal but i can operate well in the dark.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?:Blogging and Chatting on MSN
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?:Crunchy. I dunno, actually. I eat peanut butter very rarel so both are just as good.
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?:No. Even if i have, i can't remember.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?:Thrice.
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?:YOU STUPID AH????
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?:no. WHo wears socks at home on such a hot day!!!!
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?:I'm like, only a kid. I don't want to be kidnapped or worse... raped.
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?:BrownEbony black.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:Today, while reading Shammah's dedication to me.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?:Sort of. Would be better if i was the younger one and my younger bro is the elder one.
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?:Mine comparing to whose? Bill Gates' daughter?
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?:I can read minds. What do you think?
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?:what the...
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?:The electronic organ
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?:No, i don't want to break any bones.
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?:No. The creepy crawlies are disgusting.
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?:Sometimes.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?:No. They are all illusions or tricks. I'm a magician so I know. Think about it. A magician who doesn't believe in magic...
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?:I hate dogs. Well, no. some dogs are cute but.. i'm afraid to go too near them.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?:Only if there's no other choice.
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?:I have better things to do.
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?:I don't have a myspace. I don't think my mum ever heard of it.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?:Erm... Macaroni
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?:No. School doesn't allow me to.
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:Yes. But he's going to die. Really.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?:The one about I-weekly
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?:There isn't that shop or mall around here.
FAVOuRITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?:M2M or Simple Plan








6:19 AM

Hello... it's me again. If you don't like that music, just pause it and listen to something else. maybe the my happy ending one or just enjoy ome peace and quiet. I have a habit of waking up nice and early to study so i dedcided to blog before i do my science for like, two hours and then do my maths ws. =D...
I'm still miserable... dunno why,
Maybe i do know why.
Had a very weird dream. Makes me feel like i'm a backstabber as dreams are of my own creation of our imagination...









Saturday, September 29, 2007, 4:23 PM

Shammah, Tiffany, you two are the best! Especially the latter. Shammah was a swop with Tiffany but too bad, the answer's no. I'm not supposed to put this
=D Just 30 minutes on the phone with Tiffany, my depression outbreak can recover back to my former cheerful self. My depression gets worse sometimes. Now, it's a little better.
Shammah, you always have the capability to make me cry. When i felt like killing myself, you told me to look at your blog. Good timing. I was erm... rather touched that i had tears. Tiffany says I'm a big softie. No, i'm not. Just a little vulnerable sometimes. Like a snail. When their shell is broken, they are squishy and soft and easier to kill. There is a type of snail whose shell is so hard that even a hammer cannot break it. Like metal. That type of snail is endangered cos ppl treat their shells like ivory. Lucky they thrive best on an island that is not easily accessible. Somewhere inside the Bermuda Triangle.
Back to the point, thanks. Now, even if she apologises to me i still find it hard to accept. I won't even bother to send her the ppt (powerpoint) of the girl and the holes in the wall. (remember, shammah?)
Why am i blogging so often? I'm using the computer to do science, desperately trying to finish 8 more paper, and when i'm desperately bored, i blog. not much games for me to play.








3:00 PM

Marsiat. You are totally clueless. She called me just now after i sent a message to her saying that i was sorry. I was like, her voice was totally... at frist it sounded like she wanted our friendship to heal but after i sounded a little too grumpy, she turned hostile. She didn't even know what she'd done. That's it. I am so hurt. She didn' even bother to find out why. Did i mean that little to her? When i told her i was doing my homework, she hung up. She has crossed the line.
Thanks Shammah. (if YOU are clueless, check out her blog > her dedication to me)
You are a good friend. Thanks for being there for me. Sorry Tiffany, i tried but i just cannot make it up to her. I feel like crying but my grief is too deep. Have you ever known what it feels like to lose a friend? This is the 13th time it happened to me. All the other times, my friendship was salvaged but this is the 13th time, i don't have that confidence any longer. After all, 3rd time lucky, 13th time, unlucky lor. *hahahahahahahahahaha......










6:21 AM
Marsiat, friendship over





Marsiat, friend once so dear,
Our friendship gone, I fear.
Your anger caused me to tear,
Your reasons were like a spear.

Marsiat, friend once so true,
We were once like glue,
Stuck together, never apart.
But in a new chapter through,
To your anger i had no clue.

Marsiat, friend once so close,
This quarrel has danger pose,
When will it heal, no one knows.
I beg your forgiveness,
But during my aloneness,
The grief you caused me,
To more than a tolerable degree,
Wounded me badly.

You accuse me of things you've done yourself,
As i sit like a book on an empty shelf,
I see everything going by.
I realize I'm not important to anyone.
Even my old friends are so happy,
My 'new' friends? I do not fit in, why?
As i sit and see the world revolve,

I see a problem hard to solve,
Again i beg your forgiveness,
For every wrong i have done,
But again i still tell you,
I am wounded deeply.

I do not know what you call neglect,
I am doubting whether you have experienced it.
As my 12 years go by, i cannot count the times
I have been neglected.
They are one too many.
Even in school, i cannot feel much care,
Except from one single friend,
Whom i have put in a spot.

I now realize the whole world revolves around you.
By severing ties,
I can either keep or lose my best friend, along with more.
The risk is way too big, if you ask me.
But i feel that if your anger still lasts,
It's best to ignore me till the end of time,
To prevent more heartbreak.

To me, the end draws nigh,
My heart will never sigh,
It died.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007, 3:22 PM
Mooncake festival 2007

I am so afriad now. i went for a mooncake festival gathering yesterday at block 426 and when i went home, i saw a fire. yes, a fire caused by concord boys. I recognized one of them and another of the trio is wearing the concord uniform. The one i recognize is Zheng Yang from last years CL5.1, i THINK, i emphasize the 'think', he is from 6F. They saw me and i was glaring at them. There was a minor explosion.
You see, they lit up candles and paper at a corner wall (L-shaped wall). The fire was quite large when we realized it and the whole wall was already charcoal black. I had some water left (in my bottle) and so my mum and my bro went to put it out. then there was a small explosion and my mum quickly put out the fire. I totally wished to tell a teacher about them but i think i'd forget about it. They are going to take the PSLE and if i tell a teacher, it might affect them. and nobody got hurt what, they are sort of hooligans and if i get beaten up... I really look down on them you know, vandalising our beautiful walls like that. If anyone decides to report to a teacher, warn me first, although i seriously doubt that they can suceed in doing anything to me.
BTW, i am going to change my URL to gaelicfox.blogspot.com after PSLE so note it down. if you can't enter with the shinyhearts url, that will be it. =D
P.S. I'm still haunted by the explosion.









Saturday, September 22, 2007, 8:00 AM

over the past few days i woke up early to complete my homework right? i can't seem to quit that habit until this morning. HEY! this is late for me already. Anyway, i dreamt of weird weird things. Like, my computer started to do housework and my handphone doing my homework for me... my imagnation is that wild???







Friday, September 21, 2007, 2:22 PM
grr... what!!!

sometimes i feel really lonely and annoyed. today's a day like this.
why? you see...

- Tiffany is teasing me about a guy i don't like

- She is upset and purposely not mention the word japanese in front of me cause i was annoyed by it yesterday. It's not that i dun like it but too much of a good thing will turn it bad sometimes.

- Mars is annoyed that I more friendly with someone that she doesn't approve of but when she gets the chance, she goes cosy to her! POOH! before the quarrel, she was Shammah this, Shammah that and sometimes, i feel so lonely. SHe was even boasting that among the four of us, she was the closest to Shammah! SO WHAT! HRUMPH. I'm ignoring her.

- I think i'm going crazy. I am vomiting blood ah. Nope, i'm not angry. I just vomit blood, literally. Maybe i'm going to die? I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE!!!

- I hurt mrs raymond... (guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt)

Dunno why i'm rather depressed these few days. Seems rather weird. And i am having a bout of confidence-lack. plus my amnesia strikes!!! Soon, i will be left with no choice but to reveal certain things. Although it's a great thing but...

Thursday, September 20, 2007, 5:00 PM

things are looking up. Mrs r is finally waking up to her senses. I never was able to do my homework to my best when there is A LOT! anyway. i never had time to do my own stuff too. also, i barely slept for 11hours the past few days. i nearly died in school. almost fainted. kept feeling faint but still can survive.
The only person online now is Mally. he's very entertaining and suspense works well on him! HAH!
i also think kiimberly would be mad at me for saying some things previously. sorry bout that, kimberly. i've forgotten what i've wrote though. hehe?
oh well. I'm half sleeping all the while so whatever you had asked me i might not remember. Been having slight amnesia. dunno. and a piece of cake (11cm x 8cm) and satisfy my used-to-be-large-appetite for hours. i've still haven't had my lunch and it's 5:10pm already. i had that cake at 1. what's happening to me? the most ridiculous thing is that i remember laughing and being teased by mrs r but not whta it was about. i used to remember those things. things i used to remember i can't but things that i did not really try to remember i remember. am i sick?
Ena(my first domestic helper/maid)sent a letter from the philipines. she's married and has a baby boy. =D how sweet but her niece, same age as me, seems to have cancer...
oh well. 13 days to DOOMSDAY!!!







Monday, September 17, 2007, 3:28 PM
the silly letter

You know Mrs R told me to write an apology letter? I haven't written one before. I wrote something like this.

Dear Mrs Raymond,
It is with great regret that I have resorted to bombarding you with my sniveling apologies. Please have mental preparation to see as much red as a sane normal person will see in their whole lifetime. Perhaps you would like a minute before you continue. On second thoughts, you might as well dump this whole thing in the rubbish bin for fear that you might become bald as a result of your fits of anger. I assure you that this substandard letter is of no use whatsoever to you except to waste your time.
Although you have taught me this question for over a millennium, I still made this incautious mistake. I am so apologetic that I really should eat my whole paper. I have since memorized that specific grammar rule a thousand times though I had never gotten it wrong before. It is, alas, due to my witless and absurd carelessness that I have made this preposterous mistake.
In my despondent hope of atoning for my incredibly ridiculous mistake, I shall copy that whole question in green below. Making you angry pleases me fills me with great and indescribable sadness.

Your (stupid, senseless, brainless, idiotic, insane, mindless, ludicrous, muddled, half-witted, nonsensical, illogical, unintelligent, scatter-brained, addle headed, moronic, senile, loony, batty, dumb, nutty) pupil,
Fiona.

P.S. Are you still sane or mentally affected by this letter? I TOLD you to throw it away!!!

8. Neither of the contestants _____________ undergone voice training for this singing competition.

(1) has
(2) was
(3) have
(4) were


--------------------

Kimberly and Jun hui is sitting beside me for MT now. Malcollm sits in front of me, as usual, and i noticed something. When it was just me, shi heng and some other girl, he would turn around sometimes, not often, not occasionally, but sometimes to talk to me. Now, he would be reluctant to speak to me or jun hui when Kimberly is around during MT. HE still talks during tuition lah. I think he does not want Kimberly to think that he is friendly? with other girls. I don't know why he bothers as Kimberly, regardless of Malcolm's presence, flirts (as some ppl says) with other guys. To me, she's just chatting? oh well. She isn't the prettiest girl in class. NO, i'm not as ego as to say I am, i don't even think that i am pretty, really! Quite fat, more like it. I am so surprised that got a silver for napfa. I would be thankful like anything even if i got a bronze. I think that TIffany or Jun Hui is the prettiest. If not for tiffany's eccentricity and her genius, ALL most of the boys would crush on her. =D *OW! Tiffany's going to hit me...

Now, Nicole and Jun hui are the only ppl who i can talk to on MSN. Mally never goes online, the rest are like, long time no see, really muti, and SHammah never ever replies. I'm lonely like shit.

Mrs R is so mean.
1)She prevents us from playing computer
2)She restricts our TV time
3)She scolds us for things we did not do and throw false accusations at us
4)She ruins our recesses so now we have to nibble at our food to escape the clutches of assessment books.
5)She gives us a f***ing hell lot of spelling and homework!
CHILD ABUSE!






Sunday, September 16, 2007, 6:18 PM
misery


I feel like everything has collapsed. Dunno why. Feel like crying and crying and crying. I think I’m like a snail. The girl’s shell protects it and makes her look happy and cheerful but inside, it’s actually very miserable and drying up. Once the insides of the snail dry up, the girl will go bonkers and die. If not for the fact that…, I probably would have jumped. No, I’m not joking. Although I sound like I am. I can accept the fact that everything’s going to end. After PSLE, there’s still exams. And more stress. And I have to fix my computer.
Why can’t I be allowed to play computer??? Mrs Raymond is thinking too much. What can 2 weeks do?
She told me to go for a walk; I will just feel even more lonely, I tried it and felt so miserable that whole 2 times.
She told me to read; I dun even have the time amidst my homework to go to the library and have practically memorized all of my books.
She told me to exercise; remember some girls felt so miserable that they cut themselves? I might try to torture myself by exercising, I’ve already take great joy pinching myself and whenever I get a chance, I wish that mummy will hit me. Over-exercising can kill.
She told me not to watch TV. Watching tv keeps my mind off things, thinking for schoolwork can kill me. I almost went bonkers of stress.
She told me not to play computer. The computer takes up my brainpower and prevents me from freaking out.
She told me to do all the things that I cannot do and told me not to do the things I like…

Misery overwhelms me like this thick blanket, covering a space from the beginning of time to the end of eternity.









Friday, September 14, 2007, 2:36 PM

I AM DYING!!! today is the first time in 2 years i had a bad appetite due to illness. and no, although my throat's way batter, my nose isn't. *boo hoo hoo.
I am turning into a grouchy person, dying of a full stomach after i had only eaten a few mouthfuls of porridge. and i wasn't even hungry. it's like only 100ml of food and my stomach is feeling like i want to puke.
PSLE lc isn't very good. i minus one mark liao. o sad. the only people i had quite a nice chat with on msn over the last few days was Jun Hui, Nicole and Malcolm. I cannot think properly now so...
If you consider me as a friend, please come to my funeral when i die of this illness,,,









Tuesday, September 11, 2007, 9:50 PM

YAY!!! Vanessa will be acting in HSM 3 after all. here's a paragraph from wikipedia.

On September 6, 2007, controversy erupted after nude photos of Hudgens surfaced online.[11] A statement from her publicist claims that the photos were taken privately and it was "unfortunate" that they were released on the Internet.[12] Hudgens later apologized, saying that she was "embarrassed over the situation" and regretted having "taken [those] photos".[13] Disney Channel spokeswoman Patti McTeague indicated that Disney will still be working with Hudgens, stating, "Vanessa has apologized for what was obviously a lapse in judgment. We hope she's learned a valuable lesson

*SMILES









Monday, September 10, 2007, 4:30 PM

i am like, so bored. my parents did not allow me to go to the funeral for a friend concert! no on wants to watch ratatouille with me even when my mum asked me to go out with a friend to relieve stress. I'm practically tearing my hair out!







Sunday, September 09, 2007, 3:51 PM

oh no. Poor vanessa anne hudgens. the nude photo of her (supposedly for her real-life boyfriend Zac Efron) is now public! It's on the Net, handphones, emails, newspaper, magazines, whatever, you name it! Disney has also like, replaced her part in HSM 3!!! POOR VANNESSA. SHe shouldn't have taken that photo in that first place. I mean she shouldn't even have gone naked in the first place, not e ven for Zac! She's only 18 and her future is GONE!!! This is like that Tammy hoo-ha last year or something, that secondary school girl sex video? POOR VANESSA!







2:15 PM
Finally back

I'm finally blogging again. No one will read it anyway. Something really good happened. It has planned out the next 1 2 3 4 5 no... 6 years of my life.
And something else happened. Actually many things.

1) We won 3rd for sports carnival last year. I made up my mind for us to get 1st this year and it happened. We got like, 856 points. Mrs lee and Mrs Raymond had special treatment and could sit at the steps. I lent Mrs Lee tissue. She wanted to 'get ready' for the prizegiving. Mrs Raymond is so thick-skinned but cool. She's like the only teacher brave enough to get a badge herself. :)

2) I got so lousy for English paper 2 but the total is better. If i get good marks for paper2, maybe i can beat tiffany. in the total lah, i mean. *sobs
But she's going to get to top again one lor.

3) Something else happened. Not telling. NO use probing.

4) Tiffany quit tuition. I miss her..... I wonder if i can survive without her next year. I can't imagine myself in the school i'm definitely going to go to, the uniform and all.

5) THE HOLIDAYS ARE JUST AS WELL NOT THERE! I DON'T HAVE ANY REAL FREE TIME. WE ALSO HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL EVERYDAY WHAT. POOH!

the end. I changed my blogskin. Yes shammah, you like shaun chen but i like Kim joong hoon. GO John Hoon!