depresión desesperación I have been hurt
again
Wednesday, April 30, 2008, 12:00 PM

Today, I went to HCI for the Hwa Chong-Nanyang Combined Track-and-Field Meet. My dad dropped me off a little way in front of Hwa Chong, which is towards 6th Avenue that direction. So when I walked towards Hwa Chong, there were two mynahs on the grassy patch beside the pedestrian path. One was minding its own busines while the other was staring at me with big glassy eyes. When I walked past it, it suddenly lept up and said screeched "AH!" I was so sacred I nearly ran.

okok... Back to the point. I was the student official today, a lane judge. I was supposed to be stationed at the white(?) tentage. When Ms Sabrina called us, I saw Malcolm walking with a group of boys and waved, expecting him to see me but ignore me. However, he didn't even see me! How insulting. Maybe I was too small and short for people to notice me waving in their faces. According to Malcolm, he only noticed my existence when his friend said "ay! Your girlfriend ah?" Gosh. I can't believe that I am so unnoticeable.

When I finally noticed he saw me, I was already listening attentively to Ms Sabrina. I was posted to the discus teacher, Mr Lim. Mr Lim is like, so humourous. Together with me was this 1/11 girl called Rachel. She's soooo nice! Anyway, our main job was to run in the field, crazly waving our arms and holleirng like mad monkeys and pick up the discus in a frenzy dance. Just joking. Who would actually do that? I picked up the discus alright, the seniors were there to slack. And get free CIP points. One HCJC guy brought us plastic helmets! hahahahaha...Mr Lim made a comment, stating that he is very relaxed because everything is autorun. True, everything was done by the students!!! XD It was so fun!

When I went home, the bus stop was extremely crowded and packed. I was grumbling to HuaHua about 67 not coming and was like, sian. I assumed that I would be waiting for my bus for another 1/2hour again. But who knew, about 2 minutes later, I saw the beautiful number 67 flashed on a bus from the distance. That was the nicest number I could see then! I didn't even prayed to get a seat; to catch the bus without waiting for an hour was great enough. Amazingly, when I got onto the bus, the first thing I saw was an empty seat and plop! I sat on it.
I then went to Popular to buy paper, laminating pockets and coloured paper for the noticeboard. On the way home, guess who I saw? Jun Hui, Gavin and Malcolm! Gosh. They said that they abandoned Jun Hong and ran back. How horrible. Poor Jun Hong. if my friends did that to me, I will ignore them for a week. If Tiffany did that... well, she wouldn't. =D
Then it was Japanese. Gosh. That was so tiring... I dunno why, I kept falling asleep during class and Amelia was so nice to keep waking me up. Maybe the heat got to me. sigh. And I have a CA3 coming up! I HATE THE TESTS AND EXAMS! evern since I went to Nanyang, I used eating to overcome my depression and became fat. Now I will be so ugly. gosh. (Even my mum calls me a fatso. boohoo. Bu if i don't eat, the stress will get to me and i'll have my fits AGAIN!)
Shammah's party was fabulous. I liked it at night. The sweet potato didn't taste normal. Maybe something happened to my taste buds. I gobbled it up within a minute. (To be frank, a normal person only gobbles up fantastic-tasting food but remember, I'm not normal... Sorry...) The domestic helper specially cooked a bowl of noodles for me but I wasn't so hungry! SORRY!
Caleb used this coke bottle to do a 'magic' trick and it was so nice! I miss everybody then and felt like crying. I can make myself cry within 3 minutes at times and can withhold my tears at others, thus, I didn't cry. 如果我哭了,那不就糗了吗?
We then did lots of stuff on the bridge, like chatting, joking, clowning around and like Kimberly said, 'auditioning for HSM'. haha! It wasn't fun playing catching. The pros only wanted to catch the pros and since I was known to be slow, I didn't get to play AT ALL. sheesh. But it doesn't matter! =D Jiayi pretended not to know how to play catching. That was infuriating but isn't that the Jiayi I know? Maybe that's one of the reasons I like better than Xuanyi and why He's one of my best friends (to me).
Shammah's cake was so thin I thought it was to be used to smash onto her face! It turned out to be this wnderful ice-cream cake! My third Ice-cream cake in my WHOLE life! I took two slices and a frozen peach. Aunty Siva gave me that peach. I HATE PEACHES! BUT THE SURPRISING PART WAS THAT PEACH WAS HEAVENLY! *drools* Shammah, If you read this, thank Aunty Siva for me. =D
Then we have truth or dare. The bottle never spun to me. But then we all had to reveal our crushes. I don't believe that the twins don't have any. I only had three in my whole life. 2 are mostly infatuation. I can't believe that Kian Jie knows the one I revealed but thinking back, I mentioned him to Kian Jie before and he said that he know him already. Why didn't I remember that? But the other one i think they would know too. Remember I supposed to have many crushes? They were just mild infatuations.
I didn't want to go home; I would have to start doing all my homework and face all the stress. But since everyone was going home, I went home too. The only one who went my way (I mean after the 2nd traffic light) was Malcolm and he wanted to run all the way back so I went home alone, at 11pm, in the midst of all the darkness. Luckily I am not afraid of the dark. In fact, I adore it. I think that the dark is mysterious and black is my favourite colour, along with blood red.
All in all, today was very hectic but i loved it.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008, 7:04 PM
"I cried during assembly"

Disclaimers: I don not mean to offend anybody. I'm just so frank. Much apologies if you think i do.
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Yesterday, there was assembly. What's so special? Well, they aired this video about how the performance to commemorate the 90th anniversary. Then Mdm Chek(?) ask who wanted to express their feelings. No on did. I was SO tempted to but didn't actually dare while everyone was encouraging Wanqing to do so. However, Mdm CHek(?) sabo-ed a few of the teachers and made them talk, including Mrs Wong Siew Hiong. She spoke in English. Her mandarin isn't all that fluent, I guess.

But Mdm Chek(?) asked the floor again. This time, I raised my hands, BUT SHE DIDN'T SEE ME UNTIL EVERYONE POINTED AT ME! THEN SHE REMINDED ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, LIKE A FORGOT. I ALREADY PLANNED OUT HOW TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, gosh. I saw her eyes, Ms Yap's eyes, everybody else's eyes all on me. That feeling was rather creepy. I was already shaking so much.

“老师,副校长,校长,同学们,大家好。我是一十二班的郑贻珍。我刚刚看那段影片是,很感动。那一幕有人唱歌,然后校友说他们对南洋的感触、回忆时,我哭了。我不知道为什么哭,可能真的就...很感动。从那些表演者、学生,可以看出来他们对南洋的爱。也可以看出她们为学校的付出、努力。我感觉到她们似乎已经把南洋当成自己的家了。就这样。谢谢。”This was exactly what I said, between stutters and tremors. However, everyone said that I seemed very confident. TianJiao even asked how i could stay so confident in such scary situations. i think i sensed a tint (or more) of sarcasm in it. People all said I was so brave/bold/confident and kept asking if i cried. I DID CRY! and i dunno why i announced it to the whole wide world. gosh. And my seniors in chinese drama, some knew about it. Seriously, i still don't think it's embarrasing. it was so fun, so thrilling! AND MDM CHEK PRAISED ME! YAY!

Today was boring. boring as in CRAPPY BORING.The geography presentation was done so erm... briefly, to put it nicely. I have the confidence to do much better. They had like, 17 slides? We have like, 70+++!!! Excluding HuaHua. Mrs Amy said that she could do it herself, without co-operation from us. Serve her right. If she don't do and embarrass herself, it's none of my buisiness. I finally get it when no one likes her. At least i'm more hardworking!

Tomorrow's Hwa Chong and Nanyang combined track-and-field meet. I need to arrive at 7! I am a student official, with Jasmine. Lane Judge. I get CIP Points! =D but i cannot sit on the terraces to watch it nicely. Maybe there will be HCI student officials?


Saturday, April 26, 2008, 2:21 PM
FPS time trial 2008

ok. I changed my Blogskin. I feel like changing my URL but so many other ppl will have to relink so forget it.

On Thursday, I stayed in class after school, wasting time waiting for my CCA to start. Then Sin Hwee Senior came to ask me to walk to the boarding school with her. Upon reaching the boarding school study hall, I learnt that I DID NOT NEED TO GO FOR MY CCA! gosh. what crap.


Today, there was the FPS time trial. I was so scared that we wouldn't finish the paper! Papa sent me to school one hour earlier. haha. I reached at about 7. Then I sat in the pavilion and eavesdropped on my Sec2 seniors discussing FPS. It was also about the same topic, habitats. but they didn't discuss anything productive, mainly about biscuits and cookies, etc. The stuff that WAS productive, were ones that I knew it long long time ago. sheesh. then Chun SHan and Jun Hui arrived and i pased them the notes. Grace was missing from action and uncontactable. We got scared...


In the LT, we reported that Grace wasn't here and Mrs Kuan told us to wait. Amazingly, as soon as we sat back on our places, Grace POPPED UP ALL OF A SUDDEN! wow. we worried for nothing. If she didn't come, I would so murder her. (我最近很像很喜欢杀人耶!) Then we went to our classrooms. I didn't realise that Nanyang had THAT many classrooms, enough to provide one per group. gosh. Then we were quite fast, at least faster than usual. But i didn't know why, I wrote very slowly today and had to rush at the end while many inconsiderate people from my very own class shouted, ignoring the fact that others were stressing out somewhere near them. That was very bad, guys girls ladies! (Seriously, what's wrong with 'guys' and 'girls'? I think that being called 'ladies' quite 憋拗. i dunno if that's the correct way of writing but who cares.) I did my best and I think that that's good enough. Although I really wanted to go to Australia. After that, I saw my Chinese Drama Senior. She learnt that our topics were the same and she said "你们不是很吃亏!"
I replied "No, We saw that article before!"
"哈!那你们不是赚到了!"
Gosh. How contradictory. But that's about all of what happened.


And yea. I have the urge to post my Photoshop assignment 1. I got 80/100! YAY!




Wednesday, April 23, 2008, 5:29 PM

Yesterday I went to HCI and was a timekeeper. They didn't even give us a sip of water and I nearly died. After that I went to get some water from the vending machine and got lost. sheesh! HCI had so many romantic spots. What a waste of space? Please! It's a boy's school. And i wnt aircon in our classrooms!!!!!!!!!!!

5:01 PM

I look up and see their laughing faces.
I look sideways and hear their friendly voices.
I look behind and spot their cheerful shadows.
They treat me like a friend, a good friend.
Why still I feel like an outcast, forsaken by everyone else?

You stay by my side, unwillingly while she, who I need most, leaves.
You have no soulmates too, neither do I but you are not mine and neither am I yours.
They accept me as their companion who knows if they like me as a friend.
They include me in their conversations but how would I know they don't find me annoying?

I struggle to keep moving; I cannot look back. That one look not only will make me stop but also cause me to move backwards once more.
They say no man is an island; I cannot help it. Finding no one to join with, I have to work myself, all alone.
Do you ever feel that way? Like everyone else in your life is moving on and living the dream, but you are still stuck? I wish I could see my life from an objective point of view, or get someone who can to tell me what to do.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008, 9:03 PM

When I stepped out of school, I couldn't help but cry.
Your shadows are disappearing, leaving me behind.

I remember the times I fell down and you picked me up,
I remember the biscuits that we fought over.
Have those precious memories been hidden in your heart, never to come out again?

The times when we laughed over silly things,
The times when we walked home after schoool,
Will you still remember them, or choose to put it all behind?


I look at the pictures we took together, so happy and gay.
But why now, do you seem so far away?
You live but some blocks down the street
Why the distance between our hearts is so big?

I look back and see all of your faces, smiling with glee,
But you all start leaving, never returning.
I stand there, gazing after your leaving steps,
But I cannot chase, I just can't move.

Why do you leave me, in solitude?
Why am I always the one left behind?
Perhaps I should let go, and move on,
But I don't know how to, you mean too much to me.

I know I must not carry the heavy baggage, but leave them all unsaid.
I must run across deserts, even if memories tie my legs.
I must move on, with hope and vigour, even if I'm alone.
I must make somewhere else my home.

On the outside, everyone can be
Brave and strong, and filled with glee.
I am removed from my world of friends
While everyone has their own.

I look forth with tears in my eyes,
the pain forever in my heart.
This school will forever be my home, where I'll only belong.
But without my friends, it will never be complete,
and it'll never be again.

I am alone, so very alone.
I hurt, like I'm stabbed.
I am ignored, just thrown aside.
I am lonely, there is no one close, no one sees the pain.
I cry, hope is gone.
I am alone, and no one knows.


8:55 PM

First, my beloved Ramya migrates to Australia for an idefinite amount of time.
Next, My good friend Grace is pooping over to Bangkok for 3 long years.
WHY ARE ALL MY FRIENDS DISAPPEARING!
The next thing is know will be my mum saying, "Oh girl ah, we will be moving to Perth in a month." sheesh.

And news of the day, Shammah taught me maths.

Thursday, April 03, 2008, 9:55 PM

Hi! so long i've not posted yet. Sigh... My blok tests were like, crap. aybe I shoul dhave gone to BPGHS, and get top for EVERYTHING! MUAHAHAHAHA....

But then, i'm alreayd here and gosh, forget it. Anyway, Chinese Drama has a production!!!! And i'm like totally excited. =D We printed money today. And forgot the Specimen thing over it! AHHHH! Shhhhhhhh.... don't tell the police. we scribbled one big specimen thing over it.

Suddenly, I think of Shammah. There's someone in my class like her but... minus the warmth. Remember that time that SHammah 'bullied' me in the class chat? yea, that's bullying. There's someone who does that to me in school and it hurts real bad!!!! (to that particular person: You should know who you are. hint hint. If you don't take the hint, you have a brain the size of a PEANUT! if you don't even know that this is tlaking about YOU, you have a brain the size of a PEA!) So I totally miss Shammah, Kimberly, Tiffany...

Ya! I saw Tiffany yesterday! Our first reaction was to hug each other, at the same time! yay! it was raining and tiffy didn't ave an umbrella so i went with her to her house and then went home. I totally missed her. I LOVE YOU TIFFANY!

And someone in NY C.Drama looks a little like Kelly, as in Kelly Jow. But she's a Sec 4. I unno if i got mixed up. Callie says that Kelly is emo. (Callie and Kelly. =D pronounced te same way) Haha. She might be. Sometimes. Just like Kimberly. Gosh. Now i miss Kimberly.

Hoe you guys can like, come and support my production!

《寻。异梦》
23, 24 May 7pm
@nygh auditorium
ticket prices
@ $12, $10, $8
the three shows:
《找寻无声的快乐》
《逆时针》
《天黑。闭眼》