depresión desesperación I have been hurt
again
Wednesday, July 30, 2008, 10:21 PM

I went to IMM with my parents just now! I took a few pictures. I'll upload later if i feel like it. Yea, seniors, i am a little spoilt. in some aspects. I don't deny it. Anyway, I remember this morning speech training, we had to present the 绕口令and then act it out. when I acted out the 买瓜子儿person, and fell off my chair X), The first time I knocked my head onto a nearby chair and the second time, oh my poor butt. But it was fun! And more realistic. X) Yes Wanqing, don't make that face at me.

6:31 PM
seaweed up my nostril and a breaking weighing scale

I was eating 一盘冷面and then suddenly choked on it. Then I felt an intense pain in my right nostril and tried sneezing it out but nothing happened. Oh well. Then when I went to wash my plates, I tried sneezing it out at the sink again. Guess what came out. A piece of vegetable from my 冷面. gross. no wonder it hurt.

Oh well. I got back my Maths test paper. woohoo! I improved by 10%. yay! i'm over the moon. And I was the only one in 112 and 113(?) who got the bonus question right! X) How ego but this is not the first day you know me, is it? hehe.

anyway. I want to upload some pics I took on my phone over the past few weeks or days.



23/7/08 - hm... this looks like Ms Lye and her drawing of the digestive system...


23/7/08 - what's in the soil? Nitrate or Glucose?


19/7/08 - This drawing of the digestive system is even more funny! Go Ms Lye!

29/7/08 - A beautiful display of colourful flags outside the National Library

29/7/08 - Who loves to sleep so much? During such a nice video too!
Of course it's TingChih xuejie and YannRong Xuejie!


28/7/08 - The beautiful scenery of McRitchie resevoir....

23/3/08 - Me eating durian. Cute right?

23/7/08 - The nice ripe durian. See it's yellowness?

Woohoo! So nice right? especially the nice display of flags. I love National Day. GO to the NDP website and listen to this year's national day song! Anyway, I have lots more, Like a picture of me, JunHui and PingGhee at McRitchie and Amelia and Feiya XueJie XueZhang playing the same guitar with Amelia strumming and Feiya XueJie playing the chords. They look so compatible. Too bad Feiya (ahem...) is a girl.

Anyway, this morning, I found out that my leg is so strong. An accidental kick break a weighing scale.
What a fragile things. And today, I accidentally kicked the Teachers' Table and a piece of wood fell out.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 10:40 PM

today i got back history and chinese test papers. Chinese was not so good, but I improved. X) And History was brilliant! YAY!

then for cca, we went to the arts centre, at erm... near bras brasah. and watched this magnificent video of a musical. it was all singapore songs and yea, very good.

afte chatting to Ge, I realised how nice, WaiYee Xuejie is. Not that I never realised that before, but i didn't know she was that nice. Go WAIYEE XUEJIE! When i asked her this bio questions about pork and brine (sorry for typing in third person), she didn't know and went on to ask my Ge. How nice.




Monday, July 28, 2008, 5:40 PM
that dreary lesson

the weather forecast was way off. it didn't even rain. in fact it was so stuffy during third lang that me and amelia took turns sleeping in class! she kept waking me up and I kept waking her up by asking questions.I joked that while me and Wanqing did the same things, me and Amelia did the opposite. When she sleeps, I'm awake. When she's awake, I'm asleep. When she's running, I'm walking. When she's walking, I'm running.

Then i ate waffle to keep myself awake. I 'tou chi' in class. x) And I told JunHui that she and Fabian were the only people I could 谈心 with comfortably. Even with Tiffany, I cannot.

All through lesson my head was throbbing with an intense pain, as if someone was whacking my head with a hammer every 2 seconds.


11:55 AM
Cross Country 2008 - MacRitchie Resevoir

There wasn't rain today. how sad. But I survived.

On my way to the bus stop, I saw Tiffany. It was like a dagger in my heart. her voice echoing "Who are you?" rang in my ears once more when she sad hi. Then i discovered I was supposed to wear my lifeskills camp tshirt. crap.

Then we put all our bags in the big rubbish bag and our valuables in a small white one. The big black one was overflowing already. Natalie, Samantha, Sarah, Vanessa and i had to lug it all the way to the starting point with great difficulty and breaking backs. x)

Running was okay but Brenda and the rest didn't want to run. Finally, Vanessa and Amelia stated running and I followed but it was too tiring for me to continue running the whole distance. I was such a disgrace. I LET THE SEC 4s BYPASS ME!

I placed my H2O with the bags and when I came back, it disappeared. luckily there were extras that I could drink. When Wanqing went to collect the nametags, i had to holler for her. And boy was I loud! i don't ever want to do the same thing again. I was very giddy after that. And ten million seniors walked past me without noticing me except Zhuoya xuejie and XinYan xuejie. Waiyee xuejie was standing beside her yet she never noticed me. So Phia and Stephanie are going to watch a movie, a football match and pon 3rd lang. omg.

And the bus ride home. haha. We took 157 to Coronation plaze (I finally found out where it was) and then took 67 from there. We got a seat. The rest on the very crowded 157 apparently were going to alight in the HCI stop and by then, the bus would be very crowded so we were smart to alight earlier and board 67 earlier. x) hooray to JunHui! But just as we reached the HCI stop, no one on the bus wanted to get down and no one in 157 had alighted yet so we bypassed them. THEY MISSED THE BUS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 11:23 PM
weather forecast

I just looked at the weather forecast for tomorrow. It says that there will be rain. But i don't know how true it is. It also says that there will be rain today but have you seen any rain at all? Perhaps today's rain has been postponed to tomorrow morning by the heavens...

Saturday, July 26, 2008, 11:17 PM
友谊消失的星光

像一个千里外的星光

我对你只能永从远望

深信友谊之诺不是谎

只是仍旧在异处收藏

我等候的诺言与愿望

曾未否让我每次失望

像流星遥远却会追望


你曾拥有友谊之力量

今在遥不可及的远方

遥远的星光只能凝望

你是否把我挂在心上

满天的星光就算给我

一千愿望我只想换你

像过去那么率真荒唐


当我渐发觉你的遗忘

自己如何不失去盼望

星空唯留星尘怎对望

遗弃回忆复燃的希望

眼看俩之间距离扩张

一声你是谁如同心亡


肯定我们未来无星光


6:34 PM
One Final Distance

Friends anymore?

Looking out of the window, I see the sunlight. I remember, once, we sat in the school field together, moaning about the PE lessons.

Do you remember the times we called each other practically everyday? I remember we could always tell who was at the other end and although we called each other everytime, when one
of us wanted to call the other, she would want to do so at the same time too, just like twins with 'twin sense'.

We understood each other so well that we could fill up each other's sentences, understood each other with some weird sign languages that we never put a definition to. It was as if we shared thoughts. How I miss having someone who never needed an explanation for everything I do.

Truly, all those times had come to an end. But why? Why to this extent? I don’t want to accept this. I
really don’t.

Living each day in the past has strained all my energy. I don’t want to forget all the times we had, I don’t want to leave.

They say that all the memories of childhood friends will never last long. They say that the friends I had will no longer exist. Will they really disappear?

In my heart, I know one day, I must accept reality and move on. But moving on and forgetting are not the same. Aren’t they?

“Friends forever,” you once said. Where are you now? Why do we so seldom speak? Are we still friends after graduation? Are we still friends?

Looking out of the window now, I wonder what you see. Do you still remember me? Am I still in your heart? Or just a fleeting memory? Or a passer-by in your life?

Perhaps, you might have forgotten that song you sang to me one day, saying you would fail the music test. But your voice that day was perfect in my ears, because you are my friend. Maybe I no longer remember what was it that you sang, but the melody flows in my heart, my mind, my soul, forever.

I remember your apologies when you failed to win a computer game for me. But it was okay, the effort you put in was worth losing it anyway. Is that same you still there? Or have you changed?

You might no longer be who I once knew. But friend, remember, whatever it may be, I will always be here. Whatever happens, there is someone supporting you.

This, my friend, is from me, to you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I called Tiffany a moment ago to ask her if she had studied bio in rgs, to help me in my bio worksheet. but she said one thing she had never said before. never ever. "Who are you?"

a single tear rolled down the vixen's cheek


4:36 PM
DreaMelody - 1st vocal lesson sit-in

Today in DreaMelody, they had their first vocal lesson. I couldn't afford it, so Janice xuejie taught me and amelia some things. Then we went to sit in the lesson. Everything that the weiqiang laoshi taught was taught to me by Ms Angela in P2! what the. I think I understand what Janice xuejie meant by opening up and finding my voice: singing like i sang in choir, just not so 'round'.

Then me and amelia tried out the guitar. She was a bloddy pro. remembering the chords as if you remember ABC! genius. I couldn't play because my nails were too long. For the sake of learning how to play the guitar, I will cut my nails. my precious nails.




Friday, July 25, 2008, 11:11 PM

Maths paper finally over on Wednesday. I also took a few snapshots of Ms Lye and her drawings. x)

Yesterday's Qing Gong Yan was delicious. There were actually vegetarian pizza! WooHoo! The seniors said sec 1s very on, all dress similarly. Then when we presented the thing, it was a but messy be nevertheless expressed our feelings.

Today, I tried to organise the 'we are one' thingy but it wasn't that successful. Hey people! Other classes have already learnt what they are going to do and are perfecting it alrady lah! And ours is only a song for goodness sake! Aiyo!

Then the musical practice was so fun. We went to the rooftop hall and kai sheng. It was damn funny seeing Ziqing xuejie trying to teach Tingyi xuejie and the doctor xuejie to kai sheng. They actually breathed once for each word in 'shan ming shui xiu'! hahahaha! Then when guosheng xuezhang and zhuoya xuejie did their scene, it was funny at some parts. I can't believe zhuoya xuejie actually felt like crying when guosheng xuezhang sang that song. Maybe they are more experienced in BGRs bah. He did sing very well though.

The my scene was scary. One senior was teaching me to act cute and then all of a sudden, so many seniors started repeating my lines in 娃娃音to me and seemed to want me to imitate. That was so scary... Then when I used a wushu qiang to scare zhuoya xuejie, her reaction was so funny I couldn't help laughing for like, a long long long long long long long long long time. Guosheng xuezhang said my laughter was scary. is it really that bad? But it was just so funny! Then the seniors told me to do things that waiyee xuejie told me not to do and same for zhuoya. wonder what waiyee xuejie would say. but anyway, i'll just do as i'm told. then I cannot be blamed. I shall watch more tv with children inside so I can learn. hehe.



Tuesday, July 22, 2008, 12:38 PM
chinese and geography

today was the chinese and geography blocks. I think i'm gonna suck at my chinese.
For chinese, it was ahem... ok. i finished it and the pian duan suo xie was easier than i thought. I think i will pass it. =D

After 2 hours of dreadful chinese, eveyrone started cramming geography during break. I gave up cramming. no point. the more you study, the less you remember! so i went to watch 还珠格格 on youtube. Hey, i'm already very considerate. you cannot blame me for distracting you, I already turned off the sound. If you came over, it's your fault. i can't believe Jasmine likes 还珠格格 too. x)

Wanqing asked me a question today. Our reaction was the same. How freaky. lucky the answers to our papers were not the same. She prefers to be safe, while I prefer to express my true feelings for I believe that if i really feel that way, I can express myself better. if i don't feel that way but it's safe, well, i have confidence in myself. Geography was ok. It's my favourite subject after all, I think I can remember it well. oh well.

For once, I think that Wanqing is cute. And nice. ah. whenever I see Wanqing now, the tune of 情人节 pops into my head. how i wished I never listened to that song. 可是有好歌不听白不听。算了吧。

ごめなさい!Wanqing, I didn't mean to offend you. ごめ。ほんとごめ。

P.S.
ごめなさい!= Deep Apologies

ごめ。= Sorry
ほんとごめ。= Very sorry

Monday, July 21, 2008, 6:34 PM
MSN with rebecca

crap. i'm addicted to blogging now. yea. every little thing i want to blog about it. basically, i have no more privacy. and i'm forcing myself to give it up, without a choice. x)

read the title. after waking up from a nap, i find that rebecca had left me a message. I couldn't believe rebecca still remembers me. the girl form the attchment programme.

anyway, she ask if she can choose not to be in the gep programme in nanyang. firm answer, no.
i believe that there are people in my class who opted out of gep in order not to take so much time or to be 'branded'. obviously that's not possible, since they are still in GEP. but being in GEP doesn't have any difference to the IP class right? I mean, it's just that our teachers are always the ones who sets the exam papers, which is beneficial, and our class size is considerably smaller, which makes it easier to get over with presentations faster and continue with lessons.



12:28 PM
Block Test 2 - History&LA

Today's history and Lang Arts block test. crap. The moment I reached class, I laid down on my table and slept. Until 8. And Wanqing was like, "Fiona, you finally wake up." why did i have a feeling that she would say that?

History was quite alright, I did know the answers. Let's hope I get an A1. Lang Arts was much much much harder. I didn't know how to do it! everyone wrote that Joe was brave and my points were almost the same as Wanqing's. How creepy is that. Jun Hui joked that maybe we were long-lost twins.

I remember I used to think Wanqing was a domineering, bossy, loud person but then after getting to know her a bit more, she didn't seem that bad. Thinking about it, I think i'm like that too. bossy, domieering, thinking i'm always right, loud, wanting attention, wanting everyone else to do what i want. worse than wanqing. no wonder people don't like me. but people like wanqing. Lucky we still have some very different things about us, or else I would totally lose my sense of uniqueness.

p.s. sorry wanqing if i offended you. i don't mean it.


Sunday, July 20, 2008, 9:51 PM
Wanqing's phone call.

Wanqing called me to ask her to revise today. i don't believe it. It's creepy. We really are so alike. The way she treats her brother, just like me. When i memorised something, she actually replies almost the same way as i did when she memorised something. And we both find the same things sad, like the dedication to grace. I found the last few words sad, so did she. I don't like it. This is scary. Even when they said me and Tiffany liked too many same things, we acted totally differently. This is weird. This feels unreal. I'm already losing myself. I don't want to lose me. I don't want to be replaced. I want to be different. I want to be original. I want to be noticed. Haven't you wondered why I always tried to attract attention? Yea, I'm an attention-seeker. I don't want to be replaced. I don't want to.

12:40 PM
grace's departure.

Crap. i can't go to the airport today. my parents want me to go out with them. sorry grace. I can't go and say my goodbyes.maybe we could video-chat or something. sorry grace. i'll miss you.

Saturday, July 19, 2008, 9:05 PM
chatting with natalie

i didn't study much today. i can't really study in the day. so i told myself to sleep and i slept. for most of the day. i'll work harder tonight.

anyway, i'm chatting with nat. what a memorable experience. i never thought nat was a friendly and easily sociable person at first. but when she remembered that I couldn't actually buy stuff for the class without claiming the funfair money, i was really touched. i mean, no one actually bothered to remember. she did. that's why i agreed to buy the pie. even if i had to use my own pocket money.

p.s. i still claimed it back what.


2:36 AM
dedication to grace

Grace:
Thank you for being my friend. Remember the first day of school? You thought JunHui didn't like you so she changed places with me and quickly made friends with me before I could 'run away'. I remember being afriad that you would be a very quiet person but you turned out to be someone I could be honest to without being afraid that you would no longer be my friend.


Perhaps we weren't that close, perhaps I never really knew you, but I believe that the friendship still exists between us, not just a classmate you see everyday. You are my friend, no matter what you regard me as. You shall forever be in my heart.

Don't feel sad that you're leaving, feel happy. After all, you get to understand the brilliant Thai culture better. We may not want you to go, but from the bottom of our hearts, we give you our blessings, and our support.

Grace... bye.




12:31 AM
Grace's party

omg. i did it. i changed my blog codes successfully! yay! i hated that scroll thingy and finally, oh so finally, managed to remove it on my own. From the start, I've been so proud of myself, learning html without other people teaching me. i didn't even look at the blogger guide (because i couldn't find it XD) i sound so ego. please. i'v been ego since forever.

We had Grace's party yesterday. I brought 3 pies. Amazingly, there were left-overs. I think because my mum cut it into smaller pieces for the oversized pie. But it's okay. someone ate them after all.I saw Grace's mother for the first time. She was such a nice lady. Reminded me of Patrick's mother. Of course, Grace is much nicer than Patrick. x) Why do you need to go? Obviously your dad would go. He's going to do like, a job with such high pay! You get free education too and you're richer there than here. But it's just... sad. Although, yea, we've known each other for less than 6 months. But i'm emotional. i just know that i'll be sad. maybe not as sad as graduation but still, you'll forever be my friend.

There were 2 cakes. did we buy both? I don't think so right? I think Grace's mother bought one of them. anyway, both seemed nice but i chose the less creamy one, the chocolate one. The cake part seemed so chocolatey, so soft, like clouds and the cream seemed like soft chocolate with a bit of whipped cream, melting in your mouth and oozing down your throat. Whoever bought that, I love you. The other one seemed... creamy. fatty creamy.

Then the drinks. We finished the leftover bottle of lemon8 from the funfair and a few other types of tea. Well, jasmine acted like a bartender and mixed and matched drinks for rachel and zest. That was so interesting. Potato Chips were also an ingredient. (I tried it myself because jun hui said it was nice and yea, it was.)

But i felt so left out. no one seemed to like to talk to me or something. When i try to talk to other people, they talk for a while and become annoyed. why? is it because we have no common topic? What happened to the people who could understand what i meant without me saying anything? Last time, me and tiffany could just use various weird handsigns to replace one lengthy explanation. Now, even one lengthy explanation must be shortened to "Long story." If i say anymore, they become annoyed and walk away. Is this the humongous difference between nygh and concord? I remember that no matter who I talk to in primary school, they won't become that annoyed (with Shammah and a few others as an exception because they are erm... more mature). Or is it just my problem? Am I too childish or too boring or too... unsociable? I keep feeling that day by day, i'm hiding into my own shell, slowly blocking out the rest of the world from affecting my emotions and smiling even though i don't feel like it. Yea... I'm getting emo-er by the day. i do not like that. oh well. let life be.


I realised that I have to go for musical on thursdays and fridays. i didn't know, really. now i can go and play! X) maybe not 'play' but at least it's relaxing. and my 'ge' is shuai. but i feel really small. sec 1 for goodness sake. and 12. some of the sec 2s are like, 14, 15. i found out that zhuoya xuejie and guosheng(?) xuezhang have a difference in age of a year. and zhuoya xuejie is older. haha. (to my 'ge': i'm not accustomed calling people who are not related 'ge's and 'jie's and 'ma's or whatever. if i was, i would be in some complex family thing in class by now. but anyway, i called all the seniors 'xuejie's so... yea.) What time does JunHui's cca end anyway? Maybe we can go home together. oh yea, Malcolm and gavin also go home at 5.30 on fridays. I hate going home alone and toppling on the bus as if it is this jerky ride in the amusement park.

Thursday, July 17, 2008, 11:57 PM

Yay! do you know that the Connect Singapore donation card? You're supposed to try and get at least $10. I got $12! =D Yay to Michelle jiejie and Lawrence Gege. X)

I found out for the first time in my life that I had to go for the musical thing every thursday and friday. how fun! x) let's run errands for the seniors again!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008, 11:05 PM

Today, the class went to Lions Befrienders at Queensway for CIP. It was so fun! The elderly there were so friendly and although we didn't sing songs that they knew well, they stilled applauded, although they were most happy when Ms Lye sang a Teresa Teng song. I really didn't know Ms Lye could sing so well.

Anyway, then we had to mingle with the elderly and chat with them. I chatted with two grandmas and one was as old as 85! She was very nice and yea. Her hair was snowy white and very little of it was left. She had lots of wrinkles and was a Buddhist but she reminded me of my late grandfather. sigh.

Then there was a lucky draw and the old folks who got their numbers picked would have to come out and say the name of one student. Jun Hui's name got called thrice. I was called twice. If they successfully got it right, they got about 1kg of white rice. A very sensible gift to them, I personally think. Afterall, some of them have problems getting enough money to survive and even more so as the price of rice is increasing by the day.

My dad fetched me home and on the way, we went to the Brother Maintenence Centre around CBD. The ERP gantires were so nice and the prices were quite sensible. I mean, different times, different prices then have more effect what. If you just think about it like that, sometimes it seems like there is really no effect. But after doing the traffic survey and observing a little just now, I believe that the government has made one of the best decisions. Who cares if you disagree, I'm a big fan of the government.

There was a coffee making machine which used coffee beans in the Brother centre. I tried make coffee for my dad and failed. It was quite very bitter. In Home Econs, they teach us to sew and cook stuff ranging from chicken patties to Mee Goreng or something but no one ever taught us how to make coffee. Oh well. Next time i'll just use 3-in-1. I'm such a failure.

On the way home, my dad and I were discussing about the CIP and then he talked about Ms Lye and then teachers and then why some people want to be teachers, nurses or other specific jobs. I think that maybe it's their dreams or they just feel that this is their purpose of life and the job that is meant for them. Personally, my dream is to sing and inspire many, and be known in 95% of the Singaporean Chinese Households, just like Stephanie Sun. But being a singer is almost impossible. So I mapped out my life to become an economist. Too bad, I don't feel that any job is my shi3 ming4, it's just my interest or something.

I really can't believe Grace is leaving. I don't want to transfer to her seat after she goes although I cannot see that well in mine. For one, i already feel very comfortable with Jun Hui. Another reason is that it feels that I've filled up the emptiness left by Grace and she slowly disappear from our lives. No, Grace cannot disappear from our lives. She can't.

P.S. I know it's rather longwinded but I want to do this so I can monitor my growth and maturity.


Sunday, July 13, 2008, 2:13 PM
Burning house

Yesterday, after my music lesson, I came home and guess what I saw? The whole house was filled with smoke. It occupied the entire living room and seemed to come from my brother's room. How funny. I meant to go to my brother's room to check it out but weirdly enough, my legs brought me to the kitchen and I saw that my mum left the stove on. Of course, she went out more than an hour ago so the pot melted into grayish sticky carbon-looking things. It even evaporated! haha! I saved the house! WooHOO! I took a pic of sunlight flooding into the smoke-filled house.


Nice right?

Wannqing, after you keep saying that 吴克群's 情人节 was very nice, I finally found it and yea, it's very nice. I'm adding it to my playlist. Anyway, thanks for telling me Smiling Pasta is good. It's fantastic. It's a remake of Full House but it only has a few aspects similar to it. The Taiwanese feel in it made it very different. Taiwanese dramas in that 'cute' genre rarely has plots like that, unless it's those 'mature&sad' type, like Mars, etc. It simply adore it, and Nicholas Teo is so shuai! He sings well too. If my future boyfriend can sing 小乌龟 by 张栋梁 (Nicholas Teo) for me, it will be so gan3 ren2.


Anyway, I also watched Ichi Rittoru no Namida (1 litre of tears). It was so sad. I cried one litre of tears, defintely. And the female lead is so cute. The male lead is not that shuai, Tiffany, but he has a certain mei4 li4. However, I feel that his character is still too weak.


Monday, July 07, 2008, 12:12 AM
Malade et Mort

Malade et mort

Why did this disease choose me? I won’t carry it, if it is just because of the word ‘fate’.

I finally realize how precious life is. But it is too late. Why didn’t I learn before? Why didn’t I treasure all I had in the past?

From that moment of truth, I knew it. Nothing would ever be the same again. Not my body. Not my parents. Not my friends. Not me.

I don’t want to lose everything I had. I don’t want to be that poor girl lying in that hospital bed. I don’t want to see my friends tired of supporting me. I don’t want to see my family in pain.

Make a time machine and bring me back to the past. If not for this horrible disease, I might be having fun. Instead of sitting in this cold, lonely wheelchair.

I want my old life back. I want to be who I was. I want all my friends again. I want to play basketball once more. I want to sing. I want my dreams. I’m only thirteen.

Why is life so unfair? Why are all my things cruelly taken away from me? Why does my body stop working but my mind stays clear? Why can’t I finish my dreams?

Doctor, bring me back, bring everything of me back once more. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to see myself dying before my eyes. Doctor, save me, save everything of me from dying. I don’t want to leave. Doctor, tell me I can be cured!

Is it really too greedy to try and live some more? Is it really greed that makes me want to live? Is it wrong for me to wish to live? Is it fair if I just die?

Mother, I trust you. I know you love me and don’t want me to die. But please, when I cry, don’t scream at me. Don’t yell. I know you’re afraid too but I already feel very much alone. I don’t want to give up hope. Don’t make me.

Friends, I know I’ve become your burden. I know you don’t like me now. I know. But all that I ask for is for you not to forget me. Being remembered is the only proof of my existence. Thank you for all that you’ve done. It is already very much.

Perhaps this is truly my end. Perhaps all this really must stop. What is the point of trying to live? What is the true meaning of life when humans still die?

Does anyone really care for me now? Or do they just find me a pain? Why did I get this disease in the first place? Why must these horrible things ruin my life?

Seeing all the children running happily in the field, I long to do so too. But why? Why am I confined to this chair? Why am I not able to walk? To run? Why?

I thought my life was sad. I once hated my life. But now I want it back, no matter how sad. I don’t remember why I was so depressed before? I wasn’t going to die then!

I had everything I wanted. Now I don’t have anything at all. What’s the point of being able to get whatever I want if I can’t use them for long? Even listening to music doesn’t make me feel happier anymore, it just shows me what I will no longer have.

Should I just accept the fact that I will die? Should I just wait for that day to come? Should I give up all hope? Is everything truly for nothing? Is there already no hope left for me?

Maybe she was right. I am just a useless corpse nobody wants anymore. But I didn’t want to become like this. I didn’t want to! I want to choose what I want to be! It is definitely not this. Not this thing lying in this hospital bed.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I the saddest of all? Why do I not bear to see my reflection again? I have forgotten what I look like now. I just know it’s not the same. Not the same. Everything’s not the same.

How about me? Do I still care for myself? Do I really want to live? What am I going to become? Why were all my prayers not answered? Why do I need to sit and stare? Isn’t there anything that anyone can do? What is there left for me?

Don’t I have a few months left? Or maybe years? But this time will end; it’s just a matter of how fast. Is faster better or slower better? What should I do in the remaining time? I want to do so many things, but they are all impossible. I just want to walk to school, to say things. Why did those simple tasks become so hard? Is there anything left of me?

Why did this disease choose me? If this is what the word ‘fate’ truly means, then I give up.




Sunday, July 06, 2008, 8:00 PM


- Youth Day Fun Fair
- Tying my hair
- Cutting my hair again
- Musical auditions
- 2nd Dreamelody thing