depresión desesperación I have been hurt
again
Friday, March 27, 2009, 10:03 PM

I'm being emo from talking to Danielle. Because she reminds me of Tiffany too much. And I must learn to look at both of them diferently. Although the more I get to know Danielle, the more similar two of them seems. But I can't treat Danielle like Tiffany. Its morally wrong. Because they're different and I know it. Yet I don't know why, Tiffany is stuck in my head. And cannot get out.

My dear Fiona, why can't you let the past go?


6:01 PM
Sleeping peacefully in weird conditions.

I was shivering with fear when i went to extract another two of my teeth today. As in really shivering. Especially when the painkillers were injected into me. Funny. Painkillers are supposed to prevent pain, but intense pain is felt when painkillers are injected into you. Totally ruins the point. And I realised once more that I can live with pain, but I can't stand fear. I know that extracting my teeth isn't painful, but it's the fear that made me so afraid, not because of the pain. Besides, I was really tired (as those in History remedial know) and when the dentist was extracting my teeth, I FELL ASLEEP. I really did, lying on the chair, with m mouth open wide and teeth being pulled out. So when the doctor told me to bite onto the gauze, I woke up and realized that my teeth were already gone and the nurses were laughing at me. One second I was shivering with fear (and also from the cold air-con), the next second I was sleeping peacefully on the dental chair. HAHAHA. And i got metal stuff cemented to my molars. O.o

What's worse. I'm dying of thirst, yet I can't even drink out of a straw because half of my mouth's is having a stroke.

Thursday, March 19, 2009, 10:34 PM

好想吃东西哦。但是一整天,我什么都没吃,只有喝牛奶。

1:05 AM

好难受。连吃块面包都很痛,到我放弃,把面包交给爸爸。然后爸爸煮一碗快熟面给我吃,但我只能一条一条地吃,吃到面都冷冰冰的,我也变得冷冰冰的。想不到我吃一碗快熟面,本来不到十分钟就可以吃完的,现在却吃了将近一个小时还吃不完……好痛……好难受……

睡不着。怎么办?而且我还发烧,明天怎么去CCA?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009, 9:46 PM

现在牙齿感觉很奇怪。突然要适应少了两颗牙齿、多了四个塑胶,真的真的在短短的几个小时内适应不过来。现在想起来,拔牙其实不怎么痛,只是我大惊小怪,很害怕而已。那时,嘴里含着纱布,一般的嘴又失去控制、知觉,肿肿的,说话时连自己都听不清楚,但是妈咪还能清楚地知道我说什么,要什么,感觉到什么,让我觉得,世上只有妈咪对我最好,也只有妈咪比我还要了解我自己。

妈咪,I Love You.


6:32 PM

刚刚,在我一次又一次失败地尝试喝水时,我感觉很像咬到了一个塑胶性的东西。起初,我还以为我咬到了牙医放在我四个牙上的rubber separator,但是后来我发现,我咬到的竟然是我麻痹的嘴唇……

肚子真的好饿……


3:57 PM
OW.

I just extracted two of my teeth. Ow. It hurt. That needle with the anaesthetic was so thick! SO big. ANd so painful. I hate needles. and extracting them, the dentist shook it and turned it around and I could feel it vibrating and turning in my mouth. I was really very scared. The first time I was scared going to the dentist. And now, my mouth still feels like a dead piece of rubber.

And I practically wasted half of my holiday not doing homework or studying.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 7:34 PM
exam and 故事擂台

I don't know if I'll pass my organ exam today. I keep feeling that I didn't prepare enough for it. And I know I made a lot of obvious mistakes today. In my pieces, arrangement, improvisation. And not to talk about hearing. It was lousy, as usual. I can't afford to retake! I really can't! But it's over. All I can do is sit around and mope.

故事擂台也结束了。我们进了第二回合就被淘汰了。逸楠, 一荻, 菲亚 和我,进入了第二回合时,都大概不敢相信。因为上上个星期天,我表现得很烂。真的很烂。连菲亚学姐都认不知说我的表演能力很烂。这次,我high一点,表演能力应该算进步一点点了吧!可是这次我超怕的。怕到骨子里都发抖了。害怕让老师失望,害怕学姐有对我生气。还有,连《小娘惹》风也传染到故事擂台了啊!这么难得题目!可怜咯!我们的是“一言九鼎”。我们编成一个国王,中了“一言九鼎症”,没说一句话就会忍不住说“九鼎!”然后一个乞丐神医说要找一个“九鼎仙丹”来治,可是却要跟一个猫树搏斗。终于拿到仙丹后,让国王吃,国王却得了“一言八鼎症”。哈哈!在搏斗的时候,我是‘隐形人’帮忙出招,所以看起来很像有很多手。除此之外,我是娘娘腔的国王!哈哈!猫树就是逸楠学姐,菲亚学姐则是乞丐神医。

进入决赛的全都是男生。而且老师说我们那组进入的不是很好。好不甘心。可是一分耕耘,一分收获。我们的耕耘那么少,怎么可能有什么收获啊?明年在努力吧!


Monday, March 16, 2009, 1:51 AM
いのちの名前



This song makes me fill up with emotions...
And memories of you...

In the bright classroom where we never knew each other's existence, that's where our friendship all started. I really don't know why this song brings out my longing for you, and all my missing you beside me, giving me your bright smile.

In the noisy canteen, we used to talk about everything in our lives, our crushes and our annoyance, really, really everything. We used to share our little secrets, just the two of us, in our own world where no one can intrude.

Now I only have memories of your face, of your smile, and of your laughter. But only with memories, I can no longer feel your warmth, the strength that kept me going when I nearly lost myself, and the words "Good Luck" just keep replaying in my mind.

That last day when we sat at the side of the parade square, holding two bottles of carbonated drinks, saying "Cheers" while drinking it together, trying hard to create one last happy memory. I believe then, deep in our hearts, that we had wish that it was a bottle of beer, and it could only drown our sorrows of saying farewell.

We both knew the meaning of graduation very well. It meant farewell forever, no matter how much we tried to hold on, we would come to a point where we had to say farewell, and never see each other much. Except maybe on our birthdays. But would even those cheerful "Happy Birthday!" and fleeting hugs come to an end? Everytime I see you, I feel like crying. Because I know both of us are changing, and the big bottomless pit between us is growing bigger each day.

I just pray that we'll remember each other forever, and I will be able to hold on to those memories, if not you. How I wish time could have stopped then, in the classroom, in the canteen, in the corridors of Concord, anywhere! I just want the two of us to be together again. I know you're changing for the better, but somehow, this place in my heart is aching, because you're different. You're already so much different from the person I used to know. And whenever we see each other, we try to come up with something to say, but barely 15 minutes later, we'll both give up and hug and say goodbye, then turn around and leave. Whenever I walk the steps away from you, I wonder if it is just me trying to hold on to the past, trying to hold on to the wind that will in time float away from my grasp. Every step I walk away, is a new wound in my heart.

I know I should just treasure what I have now. But you left such a deep mark in me, I don't know how to make it disappear. Even if someone appears to be so much like you, they won't ever fill the emptiness you left in me. I still look at that picture, and hope, one day, we'll take one more like that again.

1:02 AM

我变了。

我一点也不喜欢这样的我。

但是,我又能怎么样呢?


Sunday, March 08, 2009, 3:28 PM
LSC 2009

Day 1
We went to school and put our bags in 309, which was a damn filthy classroom. I'm still upset over the original condition. -.- And then we chopped chairs and all. I wonder who's brilliant idea it was, to put chairs for you to place your bags and towels. =)

Then... we went down, I had to raise the flag as usual and then we could go back to class and slack, while waiting for time to pass for us to go to Chinese gardens. And I started watching Hana Yori Dango in class. Some of them watched with me. And that guy who acted as Sano in hanakimi, he was much much more cute! And Matsuda Shota was in Hana Yori Dango!!! Woots! He acted as Akiyama in Liar Game with Toda Erika.

The Amazing race was quite nice. The first clue was 孔子曰:何陋之有?But when we went to both bridges beside the Confucius statue, they told us we weren't at the right spot! Until we were loitering around, and finally saw 2 facils coming from nowhere. And then they said that the bridge we passed was the station; they just weren't there.

After our time ended, we went to wait outside the tutle museum and decided to buy drinks. Wah. The vending machine daylight robbery ah! The shop inside sold one can for $1.50 when the vending machine was like, $1.80?! or $2.00!!! Outrageous! I bought pepsi, since there wasn't an 100 plus left and i didn't want coke for a change. So we were sitting around and talking, and drinking drinks. Lots of people bought drinks, since it was so hot. On the bus home, I snapped quite a few pictures. Hehe. Of people fooling around or sleeping. I'm so going to make a montage.

Then we had Food Comm Duty. They were giving out food, while I could only help check and reconfirm that the number of packets were correct. And paste garbage bags on the tables. I felt so useless then. Everyone was busy and all, and all I could do was stare. Seriously. Lunch was quite nice, a reasonable amount of vegetables, 豆包chicken drumsticks that everyone was so amused by, and a little too much of rice. But I finished everything, as usual. Because you can't waste food!

Then we had erm... household matters? Dust Matters. Filmed by My Nick Ng in the boarding school. Some people were actually shocked that it was a NYGH production. But I could tell very clearly that it was filmed in the boarding school. Anyway, it was totally over-the-board and extreme. Cockroaches under your bed? DISGUSTING!!!


Then we went to bathe. Which was quite okay. Except that everyone got a bit messed up who was assigned to which cubicle. And Huahua took a long time. Then after I bathed, I went back to class and watched Hana Yori Dango. Surprisingly, Danielle was watching with me. haha.

Then we had Food Comm Duty once more. They were giving out food, in trays, and I was supposed to do washing point duty. But I couldn't, because I was 'watching the rice'. Trying to keep out the flies and stuff. So I was like, staring at the rice and pretending to fight the files. haha. I joked with Mrs Kuan that they were making us stare at food we can't eat when we were so hungry! I was also helping them give out rice, which was totally insufficient for th sec 2s that even with two trays, they had to come for a refill. But the sec ones with only one tray, apparently had enough. O.O It's not as if their day was less tiring.

At night we had night trail. Yep. It was a murder case again. In an almost the same format as PSL camp. You complete what they tell you to do, then the person related to the crime will tell you stuff. nd the first stop we had to read out alphabets, then piece the hints together. Which was relatively easy because we had brilliant classmates! Although we must work on reading loudly.

The next stop was erm... can't remember. I think it was at the home econs place bah. We had to enter the crime scene and

12:03 AM
盲目的痛苦

意愿如此表明,
你却没有看见。
为我付出一切,
我却都不想要,
但是还得接受。

面对我的悲伤、
面对我的孤单、
面对我的恐惧、
你选择看不见,
还是一无所知?

说不出的痛苦、
说不出的难受、
说不出的负担、
你到底在装傻,
还是完全盲目?

那盲目的付出,
弄得伤痕累累。
讨厌世间烦恼,
逼我瞬间成长,
让童真都消失。

Wednesday, March 04, 2009, 12:02 AM
day before LSC 2009

Going for camp tomorrow. Don't know what's going to happened but I'm anticipating it. After so many days for struggling and quarrelling about the drama issue, we completed it yesterday successfully. Well, thanks everyone for your co-operation.

If we're going to use the teeny weeny buckets belonging to 206 as 'pails' to shower, I'm so going to kill the cleanliness com. Why can't we use the 212 pails? If 206 brings buckets, they should use their buckets, not someone else's pails.

I'm hoping I'm going to enjoy it as much as before.


Sunday, March 01, 2009, 4:33 AM
火焰

用微笑掩盖伤痛,
隐藏心理的创伤,
背负的责任多重,
心疼地向你对望。

烟雾在瞬间出现,
火焰将一切磨灭,
预料的都已改变,
心痛得就像被切。

原来光芒很残酷,
夺取我所珍惜的,
再跌进黑暗洞窟,
这一切是为什么?


1:26 AM
背叛

门一甩,砰一声,
泪水落,心也碎。

就在那一刻我慢慢了解,
我们之间早已没有定约。
一切的承诺都毁于一旦,
而你夺走了我心的一半。

倒在地,眼睛闭,
伤得深,抹无语。

背叛我的你已离我而去,
友谊的牵线怎消失如气。
所有的信任都不告而别,
我渐渐像花儿一样枯谢。

12:57 AM
黑与白的灰。

黑色的高贵,白色的优雅,
我不曾拥有。
黑色的坚强,白色的纯真,
我早已失去。

黑色的引人注目,白色的阳光焕发,
我怎么也得不到。
黑色的无以能比,白色的魅力无穷,

我从来也都不是。

既不是黑,也不是白,
那我到底是什么?

我原来只是暗淡无光、令人厌倦的
灰。