depresión desesperación I have been hurt
again
Friday, July 31, 2009, 3:26 AM
幸福

我已经忘记幸福是什么样的感觉,虽然我知道我比很多人拥有更多的幸福。但是,拥有幸福的人,真的都会感到幸福吗?理论上,是的。但事实上,并没有。很多人拥有富贵豪华的人生,但却因为种种的原因,一辈子没有快乐过,也没有感到幸福过。

幸福到底是什么?

或许,当一个人失去原有的童真,那么他们所拥有的幸福就会被锁在心里的某一个深处,然后等待着一把钥匙能够开启那个被隐藏的盒子。有时候,那个钥匙就是满足;有时候,那个钥匙是真爱;有时候,那个钥匙是老年;但有时候,那个幸福之盒,唯独死亡能够开启。

我的钥匙,在哪里?


Thursday, July 30, 2009, 8:23 PM

If not for my family and religion, I would have killed myself.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009, 8:11 PM
R+J and Bukit Timah Nature Reserve

I've got 2 things to talk about. 1. LA lesson - R+J movie 2. BUKIT TIMAH NATURE RESERVE
When Mr Lee asked us which movie, the 1968 Romeo and Juliet or 1997 MTV Romeo+Juliet, I unquestionably raised my hand for the former. But after watching a part of the MTV one, I think that it was quite nice, just that Mercutio was very overboard and disturbing. Leonardo DiCaprio was gorgeous. Damn cute. But I still prefer the 1968 version. Because the MTV one ruins my whole impression of Romeo and Juliet, whatever good thing that's left of it. (Did you know Lady Capulet dresses as Cleopatra in the movie and went around kissing younger guys?)

So people at me table, Hannah, Gah Yarn, Sarah and I were quite fed up with the repetitive kissing scenes and tried to aim the ball at the screen, but unfortunately, I missed and Hannah nearly hit Mr Lee, causing him to misunderstand. Really really sorry. But we didn't purposely hit him. It was meant for Romeo. And Hannah feels wronged. I feel so guilty because I started it all. I'm so sorry...

The Bukit Timah trip was damn fun. We saw like, 2 monitor lizards which most likely weren't the same ones (the first one was probably too frightened to come out again) and a huge spider web, a grasshopper and loads man. Wanqing tried to stroke one monitor lizard and I videoed the whole process. Shall post it to youtube and class blog. The quarry was magnificent! The water was so damn clear I felt like jumping in and swimming. But couldn't. We took a group photo too. x) Then, Wanqing and I dug at the spot Mrs Amy told us too. The leaf litter wasn't as thick as we expected and the top soil was freaking thin. seriously. After only less than 10 minutes of slow and easy digging, we could already see the granite below. This is how bad the eco-system is. Gosh.

It was ver short, but very enjoyable. A nature walk just before stressing exams. How perfect. =)

I posted a ton of pictures on my sina blog. Because it has the photobook function and I don't like facebook. x) Linked there as lumispir


Sunday, July 26, 2009, 3:39 AM

孤单,使独立的背影,隐藏在黑暗地道,在你毫无防备的时候出来,狠狠地攻击你,让你不能从寂寞的洞穴找到出口,让你看不到也摸不着援手。

我实在没办法了,因为我总是一个人。一个人念书,一个人难过,一个人吃东西,一个人吹着晚风。没有人陪我,也没有人愿意了解我。不过,我已经慢慢习惯了。孤单的习惯已经让我的心远离其他人,建起一个高高的墙,让人看不透也穿不过。只是,我真的很希望有人能够穿过

12:20 AM
改变

我真的变了吗?

见面第一句话,是“你变很多。”

但是她并没有加以说明,告诉我哪里改变了,仿佛很怀念之前的我,但是现在的我跟以前的我都还是同一个人啊!

我们从最要好的朋友,慢慢分裂,如今我们已经属于两个不同的世界,但是这都是必不得已的。我仍然相信当初见义勇为的你并没有消失,也没有被污染,而只是环境的改变逼迫你跟着它一起变。我也不是如此吗?当初离开姐妹们的时候,你是怎么跟我说的,还记得吗?你说过:“如果你还需要我们,我们一定还会欢迎你的。”但是今天我偶然遇见你们,你们似乎不欢迎我,对我产生了很大的敌意。我已经不再是你们的战术精灵,但是我始终是你们的姐妹。经历过那些事情,身份的改变并不会把感情磨灭。我并没有成为高高在上的名校生,也没有看不起你们。你们不要排挤我好吗?虽然我看不惯你们的所作所为,但是……我不想要这些都改变。

如果时光能够倒流,那该有多好。

Thursday, July 23, 2009, 8:34 PM

Today.
Nothing good, nothing bad.
Just feel pressurized.
And the ever-familiar stress keeps building up, and crushing me underneath.


Monday, July 20, 2009, 8:16 PM
Sick Leave.

I haven't gotten a sick leave in Nanyang before, no matter how sick I was. But now Doc wants me to stay home and rest, and doesn't believe my body can handle it. Not only one day, but 2! And I'll miss my third geography lesson, and i won't be able to catch up.
Will someone tell me what ever she taught and for other lessons too?
I need to copy someone's notes, can someone be as kind as to lend me?
I want to ask teachers to give me remedial, will any of them agree?
Will I fail my tests? I don't really know. All I know is everyone will be better than me, and I be lagging behind on the run, just like I always do, striving to catch up and undoing any of the relaxing I've been forced to do, but the monster always catches up with me, no matter how I try to dodge, forcing me into mental insanity, losing my control of myself.

Please someone save me, save me from myself. Please.

7:09 AM

Sick. Again. And I'm afriad to go to school because my temperature is on the high side (around 37.something) but not fever yet (hopefully it isn't) and I've got a blocked nose and an uncomfortable throat. crap man.

Thursday, July 16, 2009, 2:17 PM
Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince.

Everyone's Almost everyone is going for Harry Potter HBP tomorrow. Except me. And Danielle. And Hannah. And those who don't like Harry Potter. And I really want to go. I've not gone out on a class outing before. Which is sad. And it's not like my mum will stop me or anything. I'm just sitting in the 3rd storey of Victoria Theatre tomorrow when they are sitting and watching that very nice exciting movie, and I'll be twisting knobs and the volume, watching a play I've been watching for over a hundred times, praying that we won't mess up after getting a Gold with Honours.

Why do I feel like the Order of Phoenix incident all over again?


Tuesday, July 14, 2009, 9:29 PM
Do we still have this next year?

Many mirrors surrounding them in an octogen-shaped room, twenty-two girls started torturing themselves by stretching their limbs in weird manners. All of a sudden the music stops, and the teacher walks to the middle of the room, staring right down at the girl sitting there in the middle. She with her boy-cut hairstyle, looks up at the teacher, eyeing the stick she holds in her hands frequently, and in a small and meek voice, asks, "明年还会有吗?"

Saturday, July 11, 2009, 8:46 PM
The Class of Big Nice Tables


What happened to our nice big tables?
They removed them and took them all away...

212. A class not only consisting of GEPers, but also friends, who've come together from different schools and different places. Although we've had our fights, but we also have had our happy moments when we're together as one, all for one.

From C3-03, a normal classroom with 23 blue tables, we inherited the 212 legacy, and we shifted to AE3-01, the classroom hidden away in the dark corner of Nanyang Girls' High, a classroom with wide windows and blig wide tables.
No one cared that we didn't have a broom cupboard or that our tables were joined together, all of us were proud to continue the history of Secondary 2 GEP classes, being in a special classroom, where the fengshui seemed better.

Swopping seats every term, grumbling when we had to leave our classrooms for the LSC week, we all started forgetting about the pleasures of having a small table to ourselves, or should I say we discovered the beauty of the table which was the symbol of our classroom. Big, spacious and a solid shelf underneath, where we could put our pens and not be afriad they would drop. We didn't have to worry that our tables would become very messy; they were too heavy to go out of place.

Memories belonging to only 212 and 212 alone, for a very long time, it included those tables. The tables which were adjoined to each other did not let us feel that others were invading our personal space, but they only made our hearts come closer to each other, preventing our class from dividing, keeping us as one, a unique one.

But now, what happened to our nce big tables? The tables which hold all our memories? The tables where 6 people could squeeze together at and still find space for more? The tables which won't tremble if you sit on it? The tables that didn't have uneven legs? They removed and took them all away, bring our memories and habits along with them.

I know all of us would do everything we can, give up anything for our old tables back. The familiarity of those big wooden tables crept into our hearts, bringing an unknown stability to us all. Replacing them with shaky blue tables, we would once again be the same as any other class, losing our very special uniqueness, once again stuffing pieces of paper under the legs of tables to prevent them from shaking. Memories belonging to the Class of Big Nice Tables will linger, and the same feeling gone with their loss.

Without our Big Nice Tables, won't 212 feel a loss, an emptiness in our hearts? One of the biggest rooms in Nanyang Girls' High, it used to be filled with 11 big tables, yet still remain spacious. Now, it will be ocupied by 22 small blue tables, leaving a big space, a big emptiness, a big loss.

Give us back our tables. We want them back.

Friday, July 10, 2009, 11:56 PM
Heal The World

Thinking about why the entire world was making such a huge fuss about a dead pop star, my mind suddenly flashes back to a scene when I was 3, prancing around my living room, dancing to the music of Billie Jean with the music video playing on my television.

When I was 7, they played Heal The World during school assembly, and I remember I asked my teacher, "Why does that guy put his hand on his waist when he spins in a circle?"

When I was 9, I started singing We Are The World with my school choir for the SYF Competition, and we got a Silver, our very first Silver.

The memories don't stop there. My dad was an avid fan of that very same pop star and I loved his songs too, even though he was not Westlife or S.H.E. Think about it. Who has never heard of that pop star? The guy who went through discrimination against Blacks in America to stand out, gain so much fame, and sang so many influential songs.

Someone once said that "there was never someone who went so high, yet dropped so low" yet I disagree. Even during his hardest times, he never did drop rock-bottom. Even though people smeared mud onto his name, the rain would always wash it away, no matter how thick it was. Even though he was one of the world's richest people, he never forgot about his humble beginnings and helped others.

Who has never heard of his famous Moonwalk, the dance that changed the entire course of modern dancing, the dance that no one can ever imitate, the dance that the whole world knew of? Who didn't recognize that guy in the black fedora and single sequinned glove?

Just a few minutes of news of his death rocked the world, he became the No.1 search on Google. Just a few days of his death, Billie Jean topped world music charts again, 27 years after it was released. Just a week after his death, I listened to Heal The World once more. And for the first time in my entire life, I really cried listening to a song.

And this is my tribute to Michael Jackson, King of Pop, a king who reigned for 40 years and will continue reigning till the end of time.


Thursday, July 09, 2009, 12:37 PM
Insect Attack

Couldn't sleep last night, until like, 2am? No! I was in bed by 11.30 already, but this very stupid insect flew into my room and it was buzzing, i could hear its wings beating. Furthermore, when it hit the walls and all, the smack sound was so loud. So I wound up hiding under my blanket, shivering in fear for nearly 3 hours. I should have brought a torchlight and my maths revision booklet to bed. Now I'm really really tired. argh. And I have audi prac.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009, 4:14 PM

What happened today? I kinda forgot. But all I know is it wasn't very good. Just more homework.

Monday, July 06, 2009, 5:24 PM

They were running after me, the people I thought were my friends, but i couldn't see their faces clearly. I had to escape, and not let them kidnap me. I ran and one cornered me. I tried to scream, but failed. No sound would come out from my mouth. Time froze as I tried to scream, again and again. Finally I was successful, but the scream was very soft. I reached for the pillow at the end of the bed and bugged it tight, then turned to my side. Then they came for me again, and I ran, screaming. But I couldn't scream. Again I tried and when I finally scream, I discovered that I was lying on my bed, in darkness. And finally I realised, you can't actually scream in dreams, unless you want to wake up.

Saturday, July 04, 2009, 10:03 AM
filled wih trauma

I totally regret watching that video about microbes that Ms Lye showed. I've not been able to sleep well ever since! argh. Always thinking about how dirty and full of scar microbes the tablecloth has, and imagining that the dustmites on my pillow are crawling all over my body and what else, microbes are watching me in the toilet! Nightmares and more nightmares. It is definitely tons more horrifying than a horror movie! I'm traumatised. TRAUMATISED!

10:02 AM
谎言

曾经,我说过了九十九句真话,但是没人肯相信。然而,他们却宁愿相信了我说唯一的一句谎言。人,都喜欢听谎言吗?每个人都喜欢活在一个充满谎言的世界,因为谎言可以掩饰世界邪恶的真面目,让一切都看起来很美好。残酷的真实和美好的谎言,选择权不在我这里,因为全世界都早已帮我做了选择。在这个世界里,唯独说谎的人才能够生存,因为谎言能为你达到一切,为你拿到别人渴望一生仍然遥不可及的利益。