depresión desesperación I have been hurt
again
Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 8:18 PM
在人群中的战争

一具具没有面容的物体,一步接一步向我迈进,仿佛一个强大的军队正要攻打。站在人群中的我,太薄弱、太渺小、太无助,没有能力与敌人对抗。我害怕地一步一步地往后退,但速度太慢,他们侵入了人群中,一推一挤,我失去平衡点。就我一个人,落在地上,落在那一点点能够容纳我的周围。

在这里,不会有人被踩死,我不会因此受伤。但我成为了一个绊脚石,一个让别人避开的障碍物,不是一个需要帮助的弱小心灵。匆忙走过的人没有看到我被提掉的书包,没有看到我落到地上的书本,没有看到我。

只能独自拾起自己的东西,独自站起来,独自继续等待。旁边的人几乎没有发现任何事发生,几乎没有注意到我的存在,只面色无情地望着前方。

那些大同小异的物体,一起往前冲,仿佛要攻打另一个城堡。我试图让开,但是能力太少,我只能跟着长江河流般的物体,往同样的方向出去,尽管我必须停留在原地,不能跟着走。但是群体的力量我实在地不过。

转身。我试图走回去,走回我该在的地方,走回我的原地。但是门突然关上。它……走了。

我又只能等待。

“各位乘客,为了您的安全,请站在黄线后面。谢谢。”

Tuesday, May 26, 2009, 10:24 PM
康熙盛世 故宫珍宝 - 亚洲文明博物馆展览

站在玻璃片的前面,望着里头。它离我的距离不到一米、不到两步、不到五个手掌,那么随手可触。但却令我摇不可及。从这里到它的原处只不过四千四百七十二公里,飞机行程三百三十二分钟,但是却需要花几万光阴才能触碰它们。对自己的过去是那么地无知。看到身边走过的外国人,说一口标准的英文,介绍我们中国历史,而我,只能迷茫地望着,那些属于我们祖先的过去。

曾经我讨厌我的母语、讨厌我的文化、讨厌自己是华人。曾经认为要是我出身在美国有多好、要是我更西方化有多好、要是我英文好一点有多好。现在付出的代价越来越明显。自己的语言,自己的文化,自己的历史,对我来说多么地生疏,多么地陌生,几乎不归于我。就像玻璃片后面的东西,原本是华人了若指掌的生活用品,但是我却只有问号。西方的影响,东方的不解,让我对西方的钢琴比古筝还熟悉。

原本是我的东西却已经不属于我。好悲哀。

8:04 PM

曾经心灵相通
曾经以为我懂
时间证明我错
不了解的很多

有我你别害怕
我多么地想说
我们眼神相对
我又开始后退

每句真心话 我说不出口
那水缸已满 什么还不够
心里的关心 找不到出口
只有坏掉的 破水龙头

曾经害怕面对
避开你的尖锐
曾经变得疲惫
已经伤痕累累

想握住你的肩
却打消这意念
推开我无数次
心碎成一丝丝

付出的真心 我不会表达
那铁门紧锁 出口没影踪
被拒绝的我 产生了惧怕
只有抛弃的 旧电话筒

Monday, May 25, 2009, 10:04 PM

Taking the MRT at rush hour in the evenings had a depressing air about it. The crowds would force themselves into whatever little standing space there was, oblivious to status and apparel. The door-closing bell was sounding off in an ominous peal and there was a mad clatter of soles and heels from the train across the paleform. The door slid together and half opened in a teasing, mocking way at the commuters who had just missed it, and then shut again. All around, people in business suits and uniforms seemed pacid and unmoved, almost sad, on the return journey.

I hate taking the MRT after third language. Just because I'm small-sized, I'm forever pushed around. Stop being so pushy.


Sunday, May 24, 2009, 2:59 PM
BOYS BEFORE FLOWERS.

Gosh. Been watching Boys Before Flowers (the korean version of meteor garden and hana yori dango). Personally, I think that the F4 are much much cuter here. though for some reason the pottery guy in both the jap and korean one is like so cute. DaoMingSi here (with some other name) is a bit better looking that how Jerry Yan looked in Meteor Garden. 长头发对我来说看起来超不顺眼的。

And I stand by the fact that 杉菜 (called 丝草 in Boys Before Flowers) should choose 类. really should. ARGH. And for some reason, I'm anticipating my own love story. Although it's not going to happen anytime soon. 14's too young. sigh.




Saturday, May 16, 2009, 4:00 PM

神,

总是坐在遥远的星辰上面,

注视着他的子民,给他们庇佑。

有没有被神遗忘的人?

神说,

公平威严的神的手掌会抚摸每个子民的脸庞。

那我呢?

3:24 PM

如果可以,

我想变成你身边飞来飞去的白鸽,

我疲倦时找你撒娇嬉戏。

如果可以,

我想变成你手中旋转不停的铅笔,

你烦恼时总爱找我撒气。

神说,

如果的事总是听起来很美丽。

遇见你是一场最意外的奇迹。

也许将来,

爱情的道路上四处悬崖绝壁。

也许将来,

你我笃定的心湖再起涟漪。

神说,

将来的故事说不定惊天动地, 

我将来的命运说不定会有你。

9:49 AM

如果可以,

我愿变成等待王子的灰姑娘,

每天守在清晨的阳光里。

直到王子骑着白马,

对我说:嫁给我吧。

神说,你的许愿我听到了……

于是,我和一个奇怪的木头相遇,

体验失败的童话……


Friday, May 15, 2009, 2:50 AM

I just got attacked by this horrible, creepy, humongous insect with a large buzzing sound while doing my chinese SIA. At first all i heard were the buzzing sound and I thought there was something wrong with my headphones or the song i downloaded, but when I went to apply ulcer cream, I saw it on my ceiling lamp. It was big and humongous and the legs were so thick I could see it absurdly clearly against the light. So I ran out crying and hid under my dad's blanket while he went to catch it. My mum said I was making a fuss, but my dad said that indeed, he had never seen one like it before and it was really loud and scary. I'm still traumatized. Very traumatized.

Saturday, May 09, 2009, 2:12 PM
Trinity Theory Grade 6 exam.

Just came back from my Theory exam. oh boy. it was torture. I studied through the night for it.

对拉。我是临时抱佛脚的,可是我平常真的没有时间嘛!I left one 10-mark question out of the 7 questions blank. ARGH. But I really didn't know how to do. The first part i just wrote: 1. Verdi - Rigoletto and Bach - The Goldberg Variations. that hopefully would get me 10 marks. WHAT??? The question only asked for Name of Composer and Name of music piece. So what else am i supposed to write? They didn't specify for the fullname so i wrote like that, because the question gave me their names like that. I had to choose from 7 names they gave. I only know these 2 and Haydn, but I didn't know any of Haydn's pieces. Could only think of the Emperor quartet, but wasn't sure. CRAP LAH.

Furthermore, it was in RGS. RGS has aircons in all the classroom. It's quite a conducive environment, right? OH NO. IT WAS HELL. The aircon was freezing. AND MY FINGERS FELT LIKE THEY WERE ABOUT TO DROP OFF. I asked the temperature to be raised, but either the aircon spoilt or I was just too cold, I COULD FEEL NO CHANGE IN TEMPERATURE. I ended up sitting on my hands while checking my paper over and over again. I was like, very unsure and I could only minus 30 marks (I gave up 10 remember, and you need 60 marks upon 100 to pass.) so I kept checking until the lat 5 minutes. I ate my breakfast at like, 7. Then because it was so cold, you use more energy to try and produce body heat right? So I was damn hungry. Starving till the very point I felt like passing out. I kept reaching breaking point, so I wasn't hungry anymore, then all of a sudden, my stomach would ached like mad. It gave up growling. And there was this point I was doing my SATB Transposition backwards (to double check my answers) where the notes were like dots to me, so blurred and all, I was on the verge on fainting when I revived myself by drinking more of the already-freezing-cold lemon juice that I brought.

So it's over and done with. Let's pray that I get a Pass. Although Trinity paper is much easier, I did all my workbook exercises more than half a year ago, and only did like, some test papers recently amidst everything and I stayed up for 2 whole nights (last saturday night and last night) to mug for it. And all I mugged for didn't come up. I was supposed to write a sucky long answer to describe either song which I wrote, and I didn't even know what they (Rigoletto and The Goldberg Variations) sound like, much less write an exposition on it!

Wait. Did I write Rigoletti or Rigoletto?


Tuesday, May 05, 2009, 11:09 PM
最终话

1. Put iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
你最近还好吗?- S.H.E.
(Riiight.)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
猜不透 - 丁当
(Mystery? why not.)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
孤独的足迹 - 一枝梅 OST
(Yeah. Exactly.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Listen to Your Heart - 吴建豪
(Maybe that's why sometimes I get so emotional)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
All by Myself - Eric Carmen
(Who doesn't know that. Fiona's always alone anyway.)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
我是火星人 - S.H.E
(Some freak or weirdo. This explains why I'm always leftover.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Paradise - 李雅微
(...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCartney
(O.o)

WHAT IS 2+2?
One Kiss From You - Britney Spears
(Haha.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
该忘了你对不对 - 周惠
(Thinking of you too much isn't good for me.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
谢谢让我爱上你 - 杨培安
(But it is really good?)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Hurt - Christina Aguilera
(Feeling like crying right now.)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
箇中強手 - 罗志祥

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE YOUR CRUSH?
你没想像中爱我 - 石欣卉

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
太烦恼 - 杨丞琳
(I'm irritating.xD)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
够爱 - 曾沛慈
(okay...)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
那一年 - 张栋梁
(yeayea. Thanks for remembering me.)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
快乐崇拜 - 潘玮柏&张韶涵

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Crash World - Hilary Duff
(I'm in a wrong world.)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
痛彻心扉 - 张栋梁
(Good answer)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Pocket Full of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield
(DOes that mean I'm going to die a happy person?)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
发现爱 - 林俊杰&金莎
(Yea. And i've been dreaming of romance ever since.)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
透視 - 罗志祥
(imagine what you can see!)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
漫游中国 - 5566
(我不要漫游!我要快点看完!)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
One in This World - Hilary Duff

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
永昼 - 张韶涵

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
飄移 - 周杰倫

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
蒲公英的約定 - 周杰倫

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Right Here, Right Now - HSM 3

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
最终话 - 蔡依林

Saturday, May 02, 2009, 4:27 AM

为什么每次都要在我真正想要专心读书,静下心要用功的时候来缭乱我的心情?
为什么我有这么能够让我分神的来源,让我好难好难才能够把这些东西背熟?
为什么每当我差不多都已经克服这些难关,你却成为最后一个难关,破坏我一切的努力?
为什么都有人一定要搞乱这一切,让我前功尽弃,让我彻底失败?
为什么从谷底爬到悬崖是那么地艰苦,但从悬崖掉落到谷底又是那么容易,容易得可怕?
为什么一飞到天上,就永远不可以下来,不然就直接下地狱?
为什么一直留在天上的代价是那么痛苦,那么折磨人?
为什么这一切的一切,都好难?
真的好难……好难……


到时,你就不要怪我说:“你看,你又没考上。我让你学音乐不是要你不及格的!又浪费这么多钱!你以为钱容易赚啊?你赚给我看啊!现在经济不景气,又有墨西哥流感,你最好不要给我浪费钱了!最好是不要学啦!什么?你真的不要学了啊?那你浪费几十万哈?学这么多年,你给我放弃?你最好给我少看Youtube!这次考试不及格就从你零用钱扣!”

到时,你就不要骂完,然后再假好心跟我道歉,说你不应该骂你,问我会不会怪你!我怎么可以怪你?怪你的话,你肯定破口大骂。“我骂你几句都不行!那我还要干吗?又不是我的错!如果我不骂你、管你,你肯定会像路上的阿猫阿狗,不用读南洋了!翅膀长硬了就要飞了啊?你现在这样是谁给你的!当初要不是我一直教你,你能有今天吗?我为什么不可以骂你!你还要怪我?”

到时,我哭的时候,你最好不要理我,最好不要火上加油,在我伤口上砂岩。