again
Sunday, October 10, 2010, 12:27 am
I'm going overseas in a couple of days. Mainly Shanghai, 复旦附中。Haven't been blogging lately. busy with EOYs, packing my bag and gah. My life's too boring to blog about, don't you think so. Anyway, I'll be updating my activities in China (I'm going to Shanghai, Suzhou and Nanjing) on this other blog which I can access in China: http://blog.sina.com.cn/lumispir
Blogger is kinda blocked by the Great Firewall of China.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010, 10:51 pm
我不喜欢微笑，却天天笑脸迎人。
我喜欢沉默，却天天呱燥的聊天。
因为我发现，如果没有微笑，别人就不会接近我，而我就会像当初一样被孤立。
因为我发现，在很多人的周围，沉默会显得格外尴尬，使我感到极度不安。能够让沉默变得舒服的人没几个，只有彼此了解彼此信任，才不需要语言沟通，用一个眼神就能了解一切。
Tuesday, July 06, 2010, 8:33 pm
一片死寂
你有没有想过，「死」是什么感觉？
死神曾经在我面前不停地晃来晃去，却没有把我拉走。那时候没有我小小人生的点点滴滴浮现在我眼前，只有脑袋一片清空，一种飘飘然的感受。我没有嗑药，而是我的心在淌血。
不必到地狱里，我已经忘记「痛」是什么感觉了。最近我发现腿和脚上伤痕累累，却从来没有发现那些创伤是哪里得来的。可能是演出，可能不是，我也不知道。既是伤口是新鲜的，既是血正一滴一滴地往下流，既是看见嫩嫩的肉被不知名的物体划破，我也没有特别的感觉。
因为这些皮肉伤根本比不上我心里那个空荡荡，回音围绕的无底洞。
在那里，一片死寂。
Sunday, June 27, 2010, 3:45 am
How big is your bed?
Single. It's enough for me. I don't like sleeping in big beds with no one beside me.
What are you listening to right now?
蔡旻佑的《我可以》。最近很喜欢听他的歌，都好好听哦！
How is the weather right now?
It's in the middle of the night. Not quite windy, not quite cloudy.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Zou Yan. She was asking for my Passport number. And it was in the middle of my shower. -.-"
The first thing you notice about the opposite gender?Eyes.
Favorite type of Food?
水煮的食物吧！可以吃出食物的原味。
Do you want children?
Yes! But it'll be far away in the future.
Hair color? Brownish Black.
Do you wear contacts?
Nah. No courage to risk infections and getting blind.
Have you ever cried over a love lost?
Yeah. I loved my late grandpa dearly.
Last Movie you watched?
Hm...Can't remember. Oh! Liar Game: The Final Round.
What were you doing before filling this out?
Having Diarrhea.
Favorite animal?
Humans.
Favorite drink?
Pepsi. Ginger Beer. Frappe.
Favorite flower?
Purple Roses. Any flower that looks nice.
Have you ever loved a person at any point of time?
Yep! My family.Who would you like to see right now?
国王，羅志祥。
What color are your bedroom walls?
Baby Blue.
Have you ever fired a gun?
Maybe once or twice on my brother's XBox. Not that I wanted to.
Do you like to travel by plane?
It's not bad. I like the food and drinks. x)
Right handed or Left?
Right.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
7-eleven. I want to drink ginger beer....
Are you missing someone?
Not really.
Do you have a tattoo?
...no. But I have tattoos every National Day, and usually it's the one that says "Made in Singapore".
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
I haven't watched them since P3 or P4.
What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
Rooftop or in my room.
Can’t live without?
My family, My dream, my 3C products, my religion and 国王！
Favorite songs?
罗志祥的《为你写首歌》.
What are you afraid of?
Many things.
Are you a giver or a taker?
Both.
What do you sleep in?
Tee and shorts.
Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing?
A boat. Or a helicopter.
To save in a fire?
My family.
What is your favorite color?
Black.
What are the things you always bring with you?
Handphone, mp4, keys, comb, wallet.
What did you want to be when you were a kid?
English Professor. But I don't want to be one now.
What color are your bedsheets?
I have many sets. Right now they are yellow and orange.
Who do you want to meet?
罗主任。
Do you smile often?
Very often, I guess.
Do you wish on stars?
No. Although it seems to ba romantic thing to do.
When did you last cry?
Just now. Because I was watching a drama.
Do you like your handwriting?
Not really. at least most of the time.
Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
I fainted in my mum's bed.
Song playing right now?
我想要说 by 蔡旻佑
What are you doing tomorrow?
Homework.
Does anyone like you?
If it's that like, I don't think so.
What’s annoying you right now?
I keep wanting to go to the toilet.
Have you ever watched a movie drunk?
I've never been drunk before.
Are you tired?
...YES. But i'm not going to sleep anytime soon.
What will you do Sunday?
That's tomorrow? oh. Today.
What kinda cell company do you use?
Singtel.
Where were you at midnight on Saturday?
That's 3 hours ago. Reading 陶晶莹‘s 《我爱故我在》
Are you married?
No.
Do you wear any jewelry?
Mainly earrings. The others are only when I go out.
What’s one thing you want right now?
Go to the toilet.
Do you find yourself loved?
Yes. My family showers me with love.
Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
On the rocks. In OBS.
What’s the closest blue object to you?
My water bottle.
What is your natural hair color?
Brownish Black? Okay, it was raven black, but somehow, it turned brownish.
Favorite subject?
Geography and Integrated Humanities.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010, 12:03 am
无底洞
感觉心中有一个很深很深的无底洞。以前总会试着用食物填满这个空虚，但除了让自己增肥之外，我领悟到吃并没有什么帮助。这个无底洞到底是哪里来的？是压力？还是孤单？这个洞不停的扩展，似乎要把我体内全部挖空，而我只能默默忍受那种痛苦，什么也没有说。不，我应该说，我已经没有力气说了。
这种时候，你会做什么呢？很想哭一场吗？我很想，但是一滴眼泪也掉不出来，我只能继续做我该做的东西，试图忘记那种被掏空的悲伤。原来我那么爱吃，就是为了感觉很饱，蒙骗自己我很满足。
终于，我能够完全体会到这句歌词：“咖啡麻醉不了孤单，只会让夜更长。”
Saturday, June 05, 2010, 8:35 pm
是我的错吗？是我很难相处还是很难缠吗？为什么我跟谁说话，谁就不理我？有些人以前我认识，可是日子一长，渐渐地，我们越来越疏远，比陌生人还陌生。明明知道彼此是朋友，但谁都不记得谁是谁。哈哈，真好笑。
不过，为什么连陌生人都不理我？到底是因为我们不熟，没有共同的话题，还是我很难做朋友啊？对，朋友并不是我生活的支柱，但朋友对我来说也重要啊！跟他们聊天，不知道为什么总会变得很尴尬。是我哪里做错了吗？是我得罪他们了吗？还是单单想跟他们做朋友就是错的。
Thursday, June 03, 2010, 4:53 pm
BSP 双文化露营 2010
刚刚从双文化露营 (1/6/10 - 3/6/10) 回来。仍然非常想念大家。这次，我真的认识了好多新朋友，体验到很多不同的活动。原本以为这次的露营就会是一整天听演讲、再演讲，会聊。但是现在感觉并非如此。
其中，我离营两次，为了参加 Singapore Mathematics Olympiad。During the first SMO Senior on Tuesday, I went and miraculously, I could answer 9 questions. Who cares if they are not correct. The fact that I could answer is brilliant enough. Hopefully this time, I'll get a bronze. After SMO ended, I took a taxi by myself back. The taxi driver is really cool, he didn't know how to get to Singapore Sports School from SLE, and he kept looking at his phone, so I was curious and peeped. It was a GPS system.
回到SSS，就把包放回房间。那里的房间真的有够美。不枉费那里学生一年$25 000的学费啊！只是有些地方没常清理吧，桌子底下蛮脏的吧。不过我放下了就去吃饭。食堂里的饭也非常丰盛，令我悲哀想起我们南洋Boarding School不适合给人吃的食物；确实也是。价格差那么多，食物、住宿也必定会有差距啊！吃饭的时候，素食特别热着，素料也很丰盛，不像从来没做过的人弄的。当时，一个男生跟我打招呼，说我早上没到，之类的。后来发现他叫宋山，很友善。
第一天下午的讲座，《从镜头里看中国》，讲师提供了很多艺术照，可是我感触没有很深。很多人都非常喜欢那场讲座，但为什么我感觉虽然学到的还是挺多，但并非我想听的呢？或许是我不会利用学到的那些知识吧，等到有一天我了解其中的重要性了，我才能够体会这次演讲的目的吧！
然后我们制作国旗。原来我们组有一个AEP的人哦。他的设计感蛮好的，只是他选了一些我不会用的东西，粉红色和画越开越好的笑脸。我整个差一点晕倒了，他不是男生吗？可是不知道谁提议的名字“七分熟”还不错，我觉得很酷！
晚上的夜间游戏可好玩啦！
第一个游戏：跳绳。五个人一起跳应该很难，但我们竟然跳到58次！太厉害了。我们团队精神应该超好的。再说了，游戏的时候，又累又喘，但是从中认识了每个人的名字，也跟其他组员，无非是男生或女生培养感情。
第二个游戏，用很短的吸管穿rubber band。这个游戏真的太普遍了啦！我以为会很容易，但是出现了两个匪夷所思的事情。一、就是Amanda是传给我的人。但我没有面对她的时候，我大部分已经含着一根塑胶圈了，可是每次她情绪太过激动，就会大力地拍打我的背！痛死了！二、yimin不知道是怎样，一直不肯弯下身来接亦欣的rubber band。我们都知道她很高，但弯一下不会有损形象，也不会怎么样，奇怪。在她那儿掉了一半以上的rubber band吧！
第三个游戏，是用我们的身体组成一些字，我一直都是一个“点”。呵呵。看其他人趴来趴去非常搞笑，但本人身型太短，没什么用处，只好给你们当小不点啰！
第四个游戏：用脚扶助一个大水缸。就好比之前PSLcamp一样。应为害怕力量不平衡，所以我们是一男一女躺着，但我两旁的人都很高，相比之下，我真的是小矮人一个，所以我脚不管抬多高，都摸不着那可怜的桶。它，因为我们都太过用力，出现了一条裂痕。
第五个游戏，是用water bomb玩 Captain's ball。其实，唯一的赢法就是不要打破太多球，我们组赢了，而且我没有弄湿，只不过流汗而以。看来衣服是白还了呀！大家都很积极，而我就等着接球罢了，真不过瘾，也是跟男生争，也争不过来，在一旁跟做Captain的LiangJun聊天更好。
第二天早上，我五点多就起床了，刷牙什么都弄好之后，我就下楼吃早饭。我吃米粉，真的很不习惯早上吃这种餐，所以只吃一点点，就跟纯子焦急地等Zou Yan下来，一起搭德士。可是偏偏她迟到了，一定会塞车的啦！我的判断没错，塞车了，花了超过一个小时才到达学校，车费$24.80，三个人分。可是Math Olympiad Open简直就是浪费时间！我等同于交白卷，不管试了多久，没有一天我真正答得出来，但有两题勉强答了。其余的23题我都是在玩4D ToTo而已。比赛还没结束，Zou Yan跑出去很久，以为她去上厕所，没想到她是出去磨蹭时间，闲逛！竟然还顺便Sign Up 去看南洋剧坊的公演，《情似百味》了。我们三个也提早走了。经过Dance Studio外面的饮料贩卖机，我们三个人回味童年时光，每人买一罐旺仔牛奶喝！哈哈哈，还不错喝，只是太甜了。你们也知道，我不太喜欢甜食。
接下来就是讲座：《中国当代社会现象》。这个演讲的内容我事前大概都略懂，但经过这次演讲，真的了解得更深入。我抄了许多笔记呢！呵呵。不过这些是本人私人收藏，决不会外流的！讲座进行的当儿，很多人都嘛睡着！不过我也不能够说什么，因为自己也很想睡觉，但太有内容的演讲防止我打瞌睡。后来，我发现一件事：不管什么演讲，zouyan都会像一些特别啰嗦、特别深奥的问题，而且不止是一个，一次又很多个！大家应该都对她产生印象了吧，不管是好的或坏的。她太聪敏了吧！
彩排得满顺利的，我们的剧本也很平顺的完成。剧情里面，我们组呈现了一个唱歌比赛的节目，男生唱JJ的《爱与希望》，因为Koshu特别喜欢JJ。女生唱的是By2的《我知道》。不过到了文娱晚会，我们表演之前突然觉得我们的剧太过平淡了！在台上临时加的桥段，让人捉摸不了的话使我们超时，还没演完就被赶下台。不过文娱晚会很精彩，就是因为太精彩所以没办法用一言两语说完。我的文章已经很长了，不要太啰嗦了！
结束得挺圆满的，但也很想念大家。希望以后还有见面的机会哦！
Monday, May 31, 2010, 1:23 am
搞不清
就快搞不清楚自己在想什么了。为什么总是这样，看不清楚事实，拼了命想要活在自己创造的世界里面？我这样过活，到底是怎么样保持生命的规律？成绩册拿回来了。成绩都很好，一些超乎了想象，另一些差了一点，却好算得上蛮好的。很满意，很高兴，但对于目前的我来说，这些A1就是我生命的全部吗？如果是，那我为了数字而活着，会不会太过于悲哀？如果不是，那么我是为什么活着？
我知道，支撑我走出以往那片黑暗的是我家人，我宗教，梦想，和国王。但是他们能够陪着我走下去吗？没有他们任何一个人，我肯定会再次发疯。但愿他们能够永远陪着我。因为他们都很重要，一个比一个重要。
你现在明白吧？国王对我来说，并不只是象征一个偶像，而在我生命里象征一个支柱。一个椅子有四只脚，缺了其中一个，椅子就站不稳了，随时都能够倒塌。国王是我不能磨灭的幻觉。就算我想要去除他也不可能了，因为他已经在我心中扎下根深蒂固的根。
Sunday, May 30, 2010, 12:48 am
梦想，到底是什么东西？我知道，没有梦想，我会死去。不能达到梦想，我会痛不欲生。但是为什么我的梦想现在天天缠着我，像鬼魅一样环绕着我，折磨我。这，到底是梦想的真面目吗？
欲望，到底是什么东西？我以为，欲望难免，大家都有。不过欲望可以克制，不让它控制我的为人。可是为什么我的愿望似乎逐渐变成了欲望，成为无比的压迫，压得我喘不过气，压得我已将近快窒息了？
我要的，到底是什么？我的未来，究竟该会步入哪一条路？我讨厌挫折，我讨厌猜测。但偏偏生命就是一场赌局，需要猜测。猜对了，一切就到你手中。猜错了，全盘皆空。
Monday, May 17, 2010, 8:10 pm
A Happy Journey Starts Like That! - Phua Chu Kang (by LTA Singapore)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010, 10:40 pm
我家真的丑到不行！
一片夏夜一点霞，十分鸡粪五分马。
沟旁一定关窗睡，夜夜臭味熏满家。
改编自《荷花》清 曹寅
真的。第一次那么害怕走出房门。是有什么尸体腐烂吗？！
5:48 pm
No lowering of weightage
The Straits Times Interactive link: No lowering of weightage
I did mention that the government would never lower the weightage of Mothertongue, didn't I? I told a few people 可是不可以讲太多，不然会破政府的梗。Of course, they wouldn't lower the weighage of mothertongue when they've been promoting it so much. If everyone supported the notion, then the next step the government would take would be some 华语Cool activity. If everyone didn't like it, oh how happy they would be. And while the hoo-ha was going on, everyone would be influenced to think, "oh yeah, mother tongue is really very important! How could they lower its weightage?" Even if they didn't think like that at first, the passion for MT would spread. That time, the government can say, "oh, we wouldn't be lowering it after all, since we never really confirmed and everyone doesn't like it. Sorry."
这是政府炒新闻的手段，为了让国人更爱我们的母语。太厉害了吧！我说的没错吧？
Thursday, May 06, 2010, 11:06 pm
生病的感觉真的很差
今天就是如此痛苦。真的很想逃避自己的，但非常感谢那些挺我、关心我的同学。尤其是Junhui, Xiaojing, Yihao, Wanlin. 真的谢谢你们让我在最想放弃的时候，重新获得力量。
再次被迫睡觉的感觉很痛苦。人生真的很矛盾。有时候觉得睡觉是上天赐给我最好的礼物，有时候却是送我入地狱的法门。
最近我们大家都不太好，不管是压力、考试、成绩、作业、CCA，什么都是我们的烦恼。
送大家一句话：当人生变得有一点像游戏时，日子就不会太难熬。
希望大家开心一点，考完试、作业较少的时候，一起去KTV吧！
Tuesday, May 04, 2010, 8:42 pm
抵死向前
我凌晨的时候，崩溃了。我一直认为没有把化学复习完，很害怕看到问题的时候都答不出来。早上，我真的崩溃了，很害怕时间的每一分钟。妈咪又很讨厌我这样，开始发脾气骂我。但偏偏她越是骂我，我越失去理智。
你们一定没看过，除了我家人。这样的我，真的很可怕。连我也不敢面对。我不是发彪、脾气不好。我真的是想要逃避未来，逃避自己，逃避一切，甚至寻死。但我毕竟还是要面对考试的。一边流泪，一边复习。但在准备数学的我想到了一句名言：
我真的很认同这句话。因为生命只有一次，我不想拿这一次来做实验，来后悔。生命没有回头，也不能回头。我决定了，抵死向前，不回头了。我没有道理要逃避。失败，大不了回到原点。要退，也要努力过在退。要死，也要战过再死。
Sunday, May 02, 2010, 10:08 pm
Don't feel sad.
Friends are like handphones. You rely on them, you're close to them, you can't live without them. But when a new or more suitable handphone appears, you will switch to that one the moment you get the opportunity. It's the way friendship is.
Sometimes, when the new one spoils, they might go back to the old one. Sometimes, the new one never spoils and they move on to another newer one. They might never come back. Don't waste your time waiting and source for another phone. If she forgets about you, it's her loss.
I hope you don't go through what I went through, because I know it will hurt you more. And even when you do go through those events (you can read my blog from Sec 1 till now), I hope I can protect you from those injuries. But I have no ability to; I'm not by your side. That's my only regret.
And this English song is for you:
To me, you'll forever be the perfect friend. The friend embedded in my heart forever. This song, Me without You by Ashley Tisdale, is how I feel about you. There's no Fiona without Tiffany. So I hope, when you've lost all your handphones, or you can't decide which one is more suitable, remember, there will always be a landline here waiting for you.
11:07 am
我很累。真的很累。不知道我怎么了，就是很累。
Saturday, May 01, 2010, 11:20 pm
厉害的阿怪
今天念书真的很不顺利。浪费至少11个小时，太奢侈了吧！我真的很没有时间，读课本、笔记都读不进去。到底怎么了？谁能救救我啊…我真的很讨厌这些科学数学，因为我偏向人文科系啦！超痛苦。而且每人陪我说话。呜呜呜呜。担心会影响她们复习功课之类的，不然就是跟她们没话聊。怎么会这样？
而且外面的战争一直没有停止。我弟不知道为什么整天找我碴，跟妈咪杠上。拜托，投诉爸妈偏心也该反省反省一下。整天让父母生气的确让他们注意到你，但是即使他们的焦点整天在你身上，根本不管我，他们还是不停地骂你，念你。不是我的错。妈咪都被你搞疯了啦。用损我当激将法？太扯了吧。听到他小小的笑声，我真的觉得你太…容易哄了。没关系，只要你们不要吵到我就行了。
态度、成绩不如我是事实。你以为我能够考到这种成绩是整天睡觉、看电视换来的啊？白痴。别一直烦我啦！
最近常看《大学生了没》，觉得阿怪好酷。又帅，却很放得开，不怕丑。而且很会作曲作词。太厉害啦！谁有空的话，可以到他的部落格上观赏哦。
Wednesday, April 28, 2010, 9:08 pm
I'll stand by you always.
Fabian, I was intending to write a poem, dedicated to you. But thinking about what you've just told me rendered me useless in penning any good literature.
I don't know. Is it because our worlds are too far apart that I don't know how to comfort you? Everytime you tell me you're facing with a new difficulty, or when you are feeling down, I don't want to leave you alone. But what can I do? I thought I could do or say things to help you feel better, but I realised that what I've been doing isn't helping you that much.
Fabian, you have a special personality that makes you stand out from the rest. Some people might not see the good in you at first, but that is because that don't know you well enough. I didn't particularly have a good impression of you before, but now we've become friends, I really appreciate your sensitivity. Perhaps it is just because you consider each and every friend very important to you that you get hurt so easily. It isn't your fault; you put in your heart and sincerity to your friends, they just don't know how to treasure it. We're still young and can't deal with situations well. But you've got to overcome them. Or you will continue getting hurt.
You might not trust me that much, but you're the one person I feel comfortable enough to tell everything. It isn't about not seeing you in real life, interacting only virtually. Because if that's the case, I'd have many such friends. You're a special friend to me, and it's because of your sensitivity and your personality, whether you believe or not. Just to let you know, whatever happens, I'll be there for you.
When everybody else doesn't appreciate you, I'll stand by you, always. Trust me.
8:44 pm
During the student interview with Mrs Amy, she said that "You know, you're Fiona. To us, Fiona is mature. Fiona can solve all her problems herself."
I didn't know I give people such an impression. (People, this is where you comment.) Do I seem like I can solve all my problems myself? Reflecting on it, seems like for a long time, it's what I've been doing. Whatever happens, I don't like bringing problems home and telling them to my parents, unless it's very important decisions. But I don't like standing alone, makes me feel... like the centre of the universe, trying to comfort people, but with no one to comfort me.
I didn't know I give people such an impression. (People, this is where you comment.) Do I seem like I can solve all my problems myself? Reflecting on it, seems like for a long time, it's what I've been doing. Whatever happens, I don't like bringing problems home and telling them to my parents, unless it's very important decisions. But I don't like standing alone, makes me feel... like the centre of the universe, trying to comfort people, but with no one to comfort me.
Chinese paper... was hard. It wasn't anything I prepared for and I think I 偏题. Although the 私函about虐待动物, I did prepare for abit of it; the 17岁新加坡海外留学生 who got “影响全球华人”奖,I didn't hear about it, but what I wrote was abit similar to Ping Ghee, who actually read that article, so hopefully it wouldn't fail too badly.
Got back Geography paper. Ser Yeen and JunHui got 1st, with 21/25. I got... what I had initially expected, predicting my marks after doing the paper. It wasn't too bad, 19/25. Minused 4 marks for not doing part (ii) and (iii) for Q2, and 2 marks from 2nd page. Thus, I shall try even harder for my other assignments and pull my grades up again. The real worry is Ching Yan. She's been failing her Geography, and I don't know what I can do to help her. So I offered to help go through her assignments before she hands them in, but I can't guarantee the standard; I'm not teacher. And... XiaoJing, jiayou. You can do it, don't feel too sad. At least you tried your best, that's the most important point.
Monday, April 26, 2010, 9:00 pm
爆笑な事が多いですよ
Today... should be quite good. Like Junhui said, the day flew by, for some reason. Perhaps it was because sitting with XiaoJing ends up talking to her for the entire lesson, especially Chinese. I did listen to whatever 康老师 said though, have notes for proof. Just talked at some points in time. Talking in class really needs a certain amount of skill; you've got to listen (or at least pretend to), take notes (legible and useful ones) and even if the teacher sees you talking, get the impression you're 'discussing'.
今日、日本語の授業は本当に楽しいね！河西先生はとても可笑しい、爆笑な事が多いですよ。
例：練習の時、Hwachong学生は「中国語の先生を見た時、まるでおはしのようだと言います」と書いた。
翻译：今天，日文课真的很有趣。河西先生(Kawanishi Sensei)真的很好笑，爆笑事件也特别多。练习的时候，华中的男生写了“看见华文老师时，真的像一双筷子！”
本来睡意浓浓的我，瞬间清醒过来。河西先生和Nicole先生差很多；都是很好的老师。他和Lim先生差更多。我从来没有那么欣赏一个老师。不知怎么的，河西先生能够把一趟毫无乐趣可言的课变成让我心情超好、收获很多的课。不过，唯一不好的事……他英语有困难。
现在很低落，因为功课很多，不知道从何下手，也很烦。做不下去，可是还得做。谁能帮帮我啊！最可恨的是：国王请长假，为了准备演唱会暂时不主持娱百了！